Hi Nitaf. Wow. You've been through a lot, haven't you? Please stop beating yourself up. It sounds as if you did the best you knew how to.
I know you read the "Friends" thread. I am a firm believer of boundaries. For example, Betsey and I spent a lot of time trying to convince Meredith that the world would not end if she didn't sit around and wait for her H to show up when it was time to drop off the kids. In her defense, she was worried about what would happen with the kids if she didn't wait. To make a long story short, she stopped waiting. She set a boundary. Guess what? He learned quickly.
I think that you have to earn respect. By being a doormat and accepting that awful behavior of his you are essentially saying, "That is all I am worth."
Well, it's not.
You're worth more.
You don't want that marriage back. You want a better one, right? Well, right now all you have control of is your end of it. The mariage in which you felt you "owed" him needs to be done and buried. It's time to start a new relationship, one in which you are treated with respect. The only way to do that is with boundaries.
Hi Pam, I set boundaries w/him 2wks ago. I should have checked w/u veterans 1st.
1.When you want to visit w/S take him to MIL's(where he is @ present)
2.No more washing your clothes here, you don't want to live here go to laundramat.
3.No more coming in and out while I am @ work
4.No more sleeping in my bed when I am not home.
5.No more ML because it is not leading us to reconciliation.
6. Get S every other weekend.
He has been gone 5 mos and has never volunteered to have S for weekend. He thinks I have nothing better to do than entertain S on weekends while he is footloose and fancy! I really began to feel like he thinks it is ok to be apart-time dad and H. Whenever I say something against the grain he wants a D. He says we can go to a L 2gether. I always respond by saying you do what is best for your family! He has gotten so used to me being a push over. He thinks that because I want the M, he can treat me anyway that he wishes. Sometimes his words to me are downright disrespectful. Now that I think about it, they were even disrespectful while he was home(sometimes) I don't think that I knew I was worthy of Love or Respect until he left. I felt in debt to him because of my traumatic past. He allowed me to feel that way by saying things like, I have spent have of my life trying to take care of you and make you happy. Is that my fault or was that his choice? I choose and chose to do it for him but w/healthy boundaries.
He looked @ me and said, Let's get a D! We can go together. I said, I will not come w/u, but u do what is best for the family!
He has been a little childish by doing things like handung my S something by just sticking his hand through the door and leaving. I never said he couldn't come in @ all. He wants to show me he won't come in @ all. He has respected the boundaries. I have not contacted him in 2 wks unless finances or concerning S. He is finding reasons to call me and I always end the convo 1st.
I really love my H. I don't want to push him closer to OW but if that is where he wants to be he will go anyway. Right?
My H is a very vindicitive person and I think that he wants to punish me! 1 day I was sharing w/him how hurt I am , the churning inside,My heart is literally aching, and I feel empty. This B****** says , I know how it feels. That is just how I felt. ( I think he is suspects I had an EA) What a response? Who gave him the right to punish me?
Yes. He will be with the OW whether you want him to be or not. It isn’t right, it isn’t fair and it isn’t marriage. But, it is reality.
Judging from the urgency of your posts, methinks he’s winning. You’ve set the boundaries by words, and he is technically doing what you asked…but he’s still driving this boat. He’s got you worried and bothered over his actions. Now, was that the point? No! The point was to make you feel better and more in control over YOUR OWN LIFE.
He’s getting your attention pretty good. How are you getting his?
Maybe instead of threatening him with “well you wanted this divorce…and you can live like it…” try explaining that you too need your space and ask him to respect that. I’ve found that threats are a waste of my time, and often have the opposite of my desired effect.
Give him so long to live up to his agreement. If he misses [insert number] of weekends with your son, or goes back on financial promises, maybe start the process of a legal separation agreement. It isn’t a divorce, but it is a legal document stating what happens for child support, parenting time, etc. It also hashes out an interim plan for finances. Personally, the SA that we have was the hardest thing to do, and also the most beneficial. It gave us a clear picture of divorce (one that neither of us liked at all) and it made things black and white for the meantime. But, don’t threaten with it. Just do it when you feel it is time.
This process is not about manipulation and control of the other person. It is about regaining control over yourself and your individual world. Once you do that, you will have the strength to detach from the situation. Again, much to my amazement, it works.
Pam mentioned that I was hesitant to really put those boundaries into play. I felt that if I did, he’d not bring the children back to me or we’d stop seeing him completely. Neither has happened, I promise you. Quite the opposite in fact, as I just got off the phone with him – a conversation that I ended first – with him asking to come to a family party tomorrow afternoon. It works when you work it. And you have to work it from the inside out, starting with yourself.
I’m not familiar with your sitch, do you have any short term goals in place?
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
I like Wileys advise to you and I totally agree that until OP is out the picture they are on a mission and they just will not listen to reason.
I didn't find this site till after my H's A had stopped, I wish I had, but fortunatly I DBed quite well on my own, then I scewed up once A was over thats when I found this site, H had told me I dont love you and had moved out.
When H was having His A (which all though I was 100% sure of I had no proof), I stayed very distant, basically I got on with my life, if I had found thi site I would of done things a bit different but I did Just go about my day doing my stuff, we didn't ML, although that was his desisiion, he was getting it else where and didn't want me.
This went on for almost a year and in that time I constantly brought up " Your having an A, I know you are" Mistake Number 1.
Anyway eventually the A did stop and we started to work on our R, I still had not found this site, so I never forgave him, held resentment, constantly brought it up. Mistake 2
Till evntually, whilst he was away, I went through all his syuff and found my proof, I went down to his buisness ( wich he owns) found her and Punched her twice. Mistake 3 ( Although I dont regret that one .
I then called him and told him never to come home ( Mistake 4)
He didn't come home he found a flat then when I told him I wanted to work on things that when I got the IDLY and too little too late and the damage is done speeches.
I Found this site!! Thank god But for me the hard bit was done OW was out the picture.
So we need to go back afew steps with you, bcos OW is still in the picture, we need to get her out!!!
My suggestions to you
1) dont ask him about her anymore
2) your boundries are excellent ( you shouldn't let him cake eat)
3) be a friend ( I know this sounds contradicting but, he sees you as the nagging wife and HER as the friend ... Sad but true) I am linking a thread here that you shoud print off and keep reading, it takes a while to sink in but it helped me imensley)
4) Act happy, confident, smiley all the time look your very best when he sees you.
5) read the thread on fogivness, and work on forgiving him, later on if you do get back together feelings will re-surface you need to decide now that you can forgive.
I hope this all helps you
Oh By the way, when you read DR, dont skip the setting goals bit, It really works when you set goals, its like having A map.
Hi thesane1. Thanks for giving me advice on how to handle this very ruff sitch.It has taken everything that I have not to go and punch the woman in here face! It is taking a lot of restraint because I have her wk address and home address! He doesn't know and still maintains that it is just a friend that he met while taking a class! I am glad that you got to punch Ow in the face(atleast somebody did!) I know not nice but true. I haven't asked him about OW in about 3 wks. Although we have been separated for 5 mos and counting, I thought I was DBing, but I actually i wasn't. I was still questioning him about Ow and playing mind games. I think this is my 1st attempt to really DB. I am going dark now. I have been dark for 2 wks.
I was a WAW for about atleast 5 mos last year. I had an EA from about 08-03 thru 11-03. My H doesn't know but speculates, but my C said do not confirm. I think that me withdrawing , along with my H always being the more affectionate one , and usually aiming to please me added to his alleged A. The question that i have is how do you know when to pull away when when you were never really the affectionate 1. The reason that I decided to go dark is because when he left, I begged and pleaded off and on for 4 mos. I don't want him to perceive this as I knew she didn't want me. I guess at this point he uses any excuse to dilly dally w/Ow. He tries to justify with any dumb excuse. It is always a different excuse and none of them make any sense.
I get so discouraged every time he says that he is never coming back home! He claims to not trust me, even though he had a PA about 1.5 years ago. It was proven and confirmed! I think that is another excuse to continue EA possible PA w/OW!
My son's B-Ball team had a cookout @ our home yesterday(my H suggestion). We had a really good time. My H and I worked like a real team. At one point the head coach asked H, how long you been married? H answered and included anniversary date! We were very pleasant and kind to one and other. By the way no one there knows that we are separated. At one point he snapped at me and came out on the deck and apolgized 2x. It is so funny to me now that we know what we were doing wrong and can address the issues that he decides to leave the M. We can have such an amazing R now that we know what were doing wrong. I am so much more enlightened about R's now. Much more than H , but we both kinda know where we failed each other. It is a shame that he doesn't realize that we are at a point right now where we can turn this crisis into opportunity, come thorugh it and have a beautiful R.
How long were you and H separated? What do you think made h want to give them M another try. I sometimes wonder what would make my H want to try this again after so much pain? Pain on both of our parts!
I have to get better at setting goals. I will go over goal setting in DR.
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Not sure if you have seen the goals workshop threads, I found them particularly helpful. Here are the links: