Married for one year, marriage starting falling apart about 10 months in. Have 1d, 3 and are now living apart. Reasons for the seperation, I found out about a EA and a PA she was having with another man, you alos has 2 children 2 different women. We've been officially seperated since Feb 1, 2004,
Here is what has transpired in the past 2+ months, and I'm reeling with confusion as to what to do and what to expect.
SHe acknowledge her affair and decided to move out, a little help drom me of course, saying if you don't want to be here then leave, I can't live like this. She took up house in OM house for the time being. She denied the affair at first, of course to spare my feeling, whatever.
I started with going dark, only seeing and communicating with her when our D was involved. The whens and wheres to pick her up and so forth. This went on for about 2 months, and then all of a sudden I get an amail from her, usually just a quick note with no substance, saying that she would like us to do more with her, me and our D as a FAMILY. Where did this come from where she said in the past, before she moved out, that she couldn't handle being around me. I got the ILYBNILWY speech a while back.
Now she is contacting me almost everyday and making small talk wihenever she can. In the past two weeks, mind you no contact with each other for 2 months, we have had lunch or dinner out at a restaurant together with our d and done some minor errands together.
I had gotten seperation papers drawn up in the beginning, gave them to her to sign and have heard nothing back on this subject other than she hasn't had time to see a lawyer to have the signed. Lately she has been saying stuff like she can't afford this or that and that getting her own place is going to be tough as she has limited income. She came to me the other day asking to borrow money to get set up in her new place, do I give in or tellher to sign the agreement and give her the settlement within the agreement? Hard one for me decide.
She calls me at home, for instance last night, called as she wanted help with a PC problem she was having, nothing trivial just a simple setting she knew where to find and adjust, but found it wierd she would call for that and make small talk for nearly 2 hours after I had resolved her pc problem. She got another call and said she would call be back, didn't think she would, but she did, chatted for another 2 hours just about small stuff, computer games, daughter, her living arrangements and so on.
I try not to mention R talk to her, had a few backslides in this department but have gotten better at controlling my desire to know more about what is going on in her head. I am leaving the door open for her to come back, but with conditions, as most can imagine.
I have already seeked C onthe matter and beleive me what a life saver, i was down and out for about a month until I saw a C. I tell you they work miracles, get you goal orientated for you and no one else. Can't say enough about C.
She was relunctant to seek C and I haven't brought the subject up with her again. All the changes in attitude the past few weeks has me confused beyond belief. Is she just playing me to get my money or is she making an effort to get back in my good graces?
When we talk its like old times, her laugh has returned, as I remember near the end she could even be in the same room as I for 10 mins, now she stays for dinner when comes over to pick up daughter, makes eye contact again with me when we talk. All this 180ing form her has got me confused with it all. I know her affair is still going on, but not at the extent inthe beginning, she even mentioned last night onthe phone that he has been acting differently lately. He does his own thing and she does hers, from what I gathered they don't spend every dying minute together anymore and she may be lonely at nights, as she messages me and calls now, which didn't happen the past 2 months.
Does this sitch sound familiar to anyone, do I take the bait and run with it, or continue DBing to the max? Should I go dark again to see if anything else happens? Some help please as I am really confused on this one. If anyone wants to know more just reply and I will fill inthe blanks.
Sounds like your W is losing a grip on her OM and trying to keep you on the hook for money etc cause apparently the stud muffin isn't forking over the cash she needs or anything else her little fantasy affair thought he'd be providing.
You don't have to give her a dime. She decided she wanted out...wanted OM, well, she's got both now let her stew in it...she's being dumped apparently and now she's beginning to see what that feels like.
Is she remorseful? Has she cried about how pathetic she feels for what she's done to you, your D and your M?
Or is she just whining about herself and her own unhappiness?
If she starts patting you on the butt, be careful, cause she's only feeling for your wallet.
Tell her to get herself together, get rid of the OM, seek counseling and then, you'll be happy to start dating her again and working toward reconciliation.
If she doesn't have much money tell her to get a better job or a second job and that you'll pick up the slack in the child care of your D while she works.
Reality is a bitch and your wife's having it shoved in her face...I have a feeling lover boy ain't lookin like such a knight in shining armor to her right now.
T2
Thanks for the back up, I had those thoughts going through my head as well, figuring she was just out for money. I am in the process of remaining dark to see if this is the only reason she contacts me. She has yet to break down and apologize for her actions except for an email she sent a while where she said she knew what she did was wrong, but that's it. It's almost as if she just wants to go on like this and this is the perfect scenario for her. My next few steps are going to be to remain dark as mentioned, not initiate anything and live my life without her for now. Maybe all the loneliness will give her time to think, as I believe lately I may have been filling in those lonely nights for her, and not giving her time to think. As you said time for her to get a dose of reality, let her knight in shinning armour take care of her, not my department right now. Thanks for the insight T2, much appreciated. Its going to be interesting to see what her next contact with me will be like especially if she comes for money and I tell her can't do it. See if she gets mad at it, if she does, I will know her plan.
No phone call last night from WAW, but got an email at work this morning apologizing for not calling and asking how my night went. Also asked when she could drop off daughter this evening. I kept my reply short and sweet, simply said to drop her off at this time. Was this being too short withe her, or the right way to handle it?? I've thought about the money she has been asking about and I agree with T2, time to let stew in her decisions, I will let her know that if she wants money she can sign the agreement, I'm no longer her bank. Time for her to get into reality...
I know how difficult it is for us not to fold up like a cheap suit when our WAS comes around asking for anything because we think if we give them what they want, that somehow they'll have this miraculous realization that we're such a great S....NOT GONNA HAPPEN
Walkaways NEVER "get" what they're about to lose UNTIL they really see that they ARE LOSING IT...then all of a sudden having the best of two worlds isn't quite what it was.
Hang in there Wood. Set your boundaries. Surely OM is such a prize that he'll pick up the tab...LOL T2
Thanks for the reinforcement T2, much needed as confused as ever now.
As mentioned yesterday, kept replies short and sweet. When she dropped off daughter last evening, she made comment as to why she had to drop off and pick daughter up all the time. I didn't really answer the question, just said because, but didn't elaborate. Then she got a little pissy and slammed the door on the way out. Again this morning she came over to pick up daughter as I had to work and was very distant and had that evil look in her eye, almost a pissy look. SImply got daughter ready and said see ya tonite, she politley said bye and was on her way. Don't know if I struck a cord with not folding to her request of picking up our daughter and dropping her off to make her life easier, her reasons for asking was that wanted to have more sleep time. Again I don't know if she thinks I am going to accomodate her lifestyle any further now that she is gone. Its almost as if she expects me to drop everything for her at a drop of a hat to help her out, be it money, babysitting for her on nights she is supposed to have our daughter, helping her get into her new place and so on. T2 I really value your input, you seem to everything into great perspective for me, keep up the good work.
Little update as to what I thinking/feeling about sitch...
Do I continue to act with the loving atmosphere around here, should I be pleasant in her company or do I keep contacts short and sweet and to the point? Do I treat her like I've always treated her, or do I go dark and let her figure it out on her own? I know pushing, prusuing and all that are wrong and I am not in that phase, mind you was when it was falling apart, but have been done with that for quite a while. She is a very hard woman to read and doesn't open up her feelings at all. I almost have to guess as to what is going on with her. Maybe I should forget about her and concentrate on me? Myself I am in a good place, but seeing her 4 times a week tears me apart, just wondering why it can't be, and why she has made this decision. I know no one has the answers but these are the things that keep going on in my head after we are in contact, even if she is nasty. Advice, anyone???
I think if she is initiating all the contact, you are in a good place. Whenever you are with her, be emotionally available, be pleasant and upbeat and interested in what she has to say. But I also think you should be somehow physically unavailable to talk with her or meet with her every now and then, so you don't seem like you are at her beck and call. Also I agree with T2 about the money.
You keep right on being the terrific guy you are...keep being UPBEAT, cordial and friendly.
You can be MR. Perfect and still maintain your boundaries. The LAST thing you want to become is a doormat. You are NOT her fall back child care so that she can play house or whatever with her OM or gal pals for that matter.
Stick to the childcare arrangements that you two set and don't pick up the slack so she can "Sleep" (I mean really, boo hoo).
Her 'nastiness' I'm sure ONLY comes out when she fails to push your buttons or get what she wants from you. It pisses her off that you're no longer falling to your knees begging her to come back to you. It also pisses her off to see that you DO have some backbone and self respect because that means she is losing her grip on controlling YOUR life and happiness while she is 'finding herself' at yours and your daughter's expense.
Just keep being Wood the nice guy while at the same time letting her know that YOU also have a life and she will have to take FULL responsibility for hers.
If seeing her 4 times a week is keeping you emotionally off balance, change the arrangement to suit yourself while you get YOUR life back in order.
Thanks for the encouragement, great advice. We'll have to see if the initiating of contact by her continues, as I mentioned she seemed a bit ticked off the past 24 hours, so don't know what to expect next, maybe pleasantries, maybe rudeness. I guess just sit tight and hold the fort. It will be interesting to see what materializes in the next few days or so, as I mentioned before she was quite receptive in the past week, now getting moody, maybe things with her knight in shinning armour aren't so peachy, isn't that a bummer. Someone once told me the grass is always greener on the other side until the dog pees on it, maybe the dog had to go, lol....Any other comments or advice are more than welcome, thanks all for replying and helping me through these confusing and stressful times.
