I sincerely believe that both my Husband and I needed the separation in order to come back to each other.
He did tell me that he realized that I wasn't to blame for all of his unhappiness...and that moving out didn't make him happier.
And he also told me that the time we spent apart made him cherish me more.
I wonder if the same will end up being true for your wife.
When husband and I were first separating, the one thing that I said, that seemed to get through to him was, "If this is what you need. I love you and I want you to be happy. Even if it means letting you go."
Unfortunately, I wasn't very disciplined because I would follow up within an Hour by saying, "Please don't go!"
And if you can say some version of the "I want you to be happy" that'd be great.
I do agree...don't make it easy for her.
Let her see that her choice has consequences.
But don't be a harda$$ either.
Just be gentle, yet firm.
I know this is so very difficult and scary. But it sounds like it's what she needs to truly open her eyes to you.
Definately validate.
If you can, tell her you've been feeling unhappy with the way things are too.
And I think Michele says to even say something like, "Perhaps this is for the best."
But, I'd double check on that first. I think Sage may have suggested not saying that unless you mean it.
But if my memory is correct, I think Michele says that saying, "Perhaps this is for the best..perhaps we aren't meant to be together." Allows the other person to stop fighting against you so much and to begin to THINK about what they are doing.
Definately pull out your copy of DivorceBusting/Remedy and freshen up on it.
We are here for you.
You are strong...I know you can do this.
Sending you comfort and hugs.
Last edited by Phoenix_In_Bloom; 05/12/0412:13 PM.
In a way wasn't this expected? CAW hasn't been doing a whole lot to make your M work and you have been so pateint with her! She also doesn't realize how darn lucky she is and maybe a S will open her eyes to just how wonderful her life could be. I really think she needs to address her depression seriously if she is to have any hope for herself.
It's so very hard I know and I don't want to say the wrong thing, so the less the better from me. Just know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
KAW - you have been a greater help to me than you will know, as I have lurked (and been brave enough to post a few times) for quite a while. I, unfortunately, am in almost the exact same position you are, save for the letter.
I'll post details on my thread in a bit - just wanted to tell you what I think - for what it's worth:
Let her go - lovingly.
Try to understand that she needs to see what "it" is like. Perhaps understand is the wrong word, since I don't think I will ever truly understand what my W is after - perhaps accept is more appropriate.
I read somewhere (maybe your thread?) that dropping the rope is a great analogy - eliminate the tension, she does need to see that you are NOT the cloud that hovers over her - her perceptions are.
And as hard as it is to acknowledge, think. Do you REALLY want to keep on chasing somebody and something that has absolutely no desire to be chased, and will not meet any of your needs? This is the point I am coming to - as much as I WANT my W to love me again, I cannot MAKE her do so.
I hope these ramblings of a confused, frightened husband and father make sense. I truly know that the situation does not. And I truly know that you will emerge from this ordeal a stronger, better and eventually happier man.
Your post was one that brought a big lump to my throat.
Others here have offered some terrific insight, and I doubt I can add any fuel to keep this fire going, but I'm sure going to give it a shot.
I will start by underscoring what Sage said: I really don't see you being back at square 1 at all. You've got 2 years of a very successful history that proves you have good insight and knowledge in how to turn things around.
I don't profess to have all the answers. BUT if I were CAW and the one who wrote that letter (and 2 years ago, it would have been something I would have written), I would want to be validated and understood.
Personally, the quickest way to get me to think about the reality of my decisions and the consequences they might have is to concede without any argument. Give me what I'm asking for. I can promise you the fact that it was too easy is going to make me ask myself some really tough questions.
CAW sounds like a complicated woman--that is, not one who can walk away without thinking either.
(((((KAW)))))
I realize that you didn't want to be in a position to choose door #2. Since I'm here myself, I find this extremely disturbing... Tell us more what you did the first time. Would letting her go with your blessing (at least on the outside) be a 180 for you?
At this point, I see that you are exhausted--mentally and physically. Perhaps you feel you were fighting a battle, only to lose the war? I hope not, because your victories were valiant and with great purpose. This time, would you want CAW to come back of her own free will? I know that would hold great appeal for me...
What do you (and anyone else think) about using your DB knowledge and techniques while letting her go? Not fighting so hard, but to let her fight things internally in her own theatre so you don't get sucked into the emotional drama once again? See if she asks herself if this is really what she wants and make her audition for you?
I don't know, KAW. All I know is that I see a really swell guy who has fought brilliantly and with courage. And no matter what decision CAW makes, I really see you as a winner.
Please feel free to come over and kick my butt if you need to... and a big hug to you today.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Quote: Two years and three months later, I right back to square one.
KAW, do you REALLY believe that? I do not know what the sitch was at that time, but I would be willing to bet that right now is NOT exactly where you were then.
You BOTH are different people. Not just you. And you BOTH have gone through some major changes. She may have not done much in regards to repairing your M, but she has gone through some changes.
I read the letter 3 times there buddy. And I didn't read one ounce of hate or disregard for your well being. It was a loving letter, with alot of care and compassion. She does not want to hurt you.
But it sounds as if she is hurting just as much as you are.
I completely understand the brick wall that she describes. Tell me you haven't felt that way at times?
I read this letter and I got the feeling that she understands these DB principles that we live. She doesn't know what to do about it though, and that is the tough part to understand.
So, you need guidance and advice in this, huh?
I believe it was Sage and PIB who mentioned validation. This is the BEST thing that you can do right now. Understand her feelings. Don't judge them. And no But statements.
She mentions too that she wants to go around that brick wall. KAW, I know this may sound strange, but I would suggest helping her go around that wall, and when she makes it on the other side, take a guess who should be there?
I know the question your asking, how the heck am I supposed to do that when I've been DBing like a madman for so long and I am at this crossroad.
I don't think I can answer that for you. Space is what most spouses around here have been screaming for. Some come back, some don't. Its the risk of it all that kills us.
But I do believe if it was true love, that love will conquer all, including the risks you take.
I have been sep'd for going on 10 months. I have been in the D process for 4 months. My D should be final within a month. But I still love my W, she still holds me in her heart, and who knows what the future may hold.
My prayers go out to you today.
Triple J
Things were different then. All is different now. I tried to explain, somehow..........
Eddie Vedder (Pearl Jam)
I tend to agree with everyone else on this one. Give her the space that she needs and Validate her feelings. I wouldn't make this a bed of roses for her with the seperations but don't fight it. With the seperation maybe it will open her eyes for where she is now to where she will be. It will also give you some much needed space to think and do the things that you need to do for you.
I don't think you are back at square one. You are more on square 55. For the last 2 years I think you have seen her looking at this possibilty. I don't think that sheds and more light on it but it is my 2 cents.
I'm sorry to hear of this latest development. I am guessing that you already know what you need to do, but I'll let you hear it from me.
You've been at this a while. She acknowledges that you have had some good times. She knows how you feel. Something is still causing her to want to pull away.
It's time to let her without any (and I mean ANY) resistance from you. No rationales, no arguments, no hurt feelings.
If she hasn't already moved out, help her do it immediately.
Time for Tough Love (get Dobson's book now if you don't have it and follow it to the "T").
And have faith. If it's meant to work out, it will, but as sure as I'm typing to you, you can be sure it will never happen on your timetable...only her's, and she's made up her mind for now.
You know I agree with everyone who posted above. Including, through my own experience, being able to endure the separation my H required.
It was the bleakest day of my life, last April Fool's Day. When my redhead jauntily (and fearfully, lots of bravado) filled up his car with his stuff and drove off.
But (as U know) I have done ok without him here.
Better than ok.
And now he wants to come home. We're getting close again. Time heals. Distance too. And since you have your daughter, you will still have reason and opportunity to stay connected.
Trust me, there IS relief when they finally drop the other shoe (stop threatening to go, and go.)
Repeat after me:
"Focus is on KAW'S magic, KAW'S dreaming, KAW'S healing."
I don't wanna be the voice that puts CAW down. I don't think U should clobber her. I just think "180 Time."
Not holding her hand. Would that qualify?
Big empty boxes.
As many as she needs.
Smile.
Don't be available beyond that.
I love you, hope I'm not being harsh.
Trip to the coast, even if only in your mind... It's beautiful, sunny and blue here. Big ocean. Into which to throw your troubles.
I know (we all do) that you love CAW, and she isn't really a fool, just a little unwell. Sorry for what sound like slams. But I'm taking YOUR side in this. You are the sane one, and you will survive and thrive.
Betsey 