Hi everyone. I have been lurking a bit but havent posted. Selfishly I need some help from some of you! My sitch: M 17 years 3 Ds H drops the bomb that he is unhappy- still loves me- cant make me happy - i dont want to be with him- sex life horible H then has EA, then PA.. I DB, work on myself, run a marathon, and try to give him space even though I wanted to scream and obsess, went on meds for depression. H then sleeps at his sisters for a year while seeing me moves in unceremoniously in Sep and we start to improve and here I am.....
dilemma Since being together more we have talked a little about things. We are not good at communicating. One of our problems. I get very emotional. anyway: good things
we are together H says he wants to be with me H seems for the first time to get a grip on the reality of his decisions He loves me more since I accept him and was so strong throughout
I cant think of any more! so awful and this shows my current state: H just got a bad review at work and listed on the bottom of the list of managers- this is a big blow for him. Previously he was on the rise and career so important. Meanwhile, H moves away from his old building (where OW is) and into a new place, gets a new cell phone. Cell phone shows up on our home bill and has walgreens calling card numbers on it. I am upset (I have lived thru so many lies) so the next month he has it sent to his work- says he may need to expense it at work. he changes his greeting to include only first name- says it is his phone and not work... I am very upset that the cycle is beginning or never ended. Any one have ideas? I tried like heck to support him last night in his work problems. I am very anxious and unfocused,. He says he will call today and move it back, help shay
Shay - I think you are totally right about the cell phone thing. You don't have to justify to him why this made you suspicious - of course it did. He should be anxious to do whatever it takes to reassure you. So I would state what you need to feel okay about the phone: - you see the bills every month - you know how to access the voice mail
Then - look forward to using the phone to flirt with your H!
Man your sitch is nearly identical to mine! M-17yrs, 3ds, OW at work, antidepressants for me, H a manager and the whole cell phone deal!!! Too ironic!!!! For months after H came home we only had what i call surface R talk. Now 5 mos. later we are finally getting down to business.
It is very important that since you KNOW H wants to be there and he is showing all the right signs and signals you are thoroughly confused by the recent cell phone deal and if he wants this to TRULY work, he needs to make you feel secure, no matter what. My H even leaves his phone out for me to check and knows tht I have people who would let me know if he was speaking to anyone (OW) while at work.
He even told me recenty when she called his voicemail. I too am helping him get through some major snags at work. It's great that you can share that! I say you are doing fine. Just make yourself clear as day as far as the cell phone and don't forget to keep the 180s coming!! Em
Thanks so much for responding so quickly-i didnt tell him anything like that. I feel so boneless about it- now that is a 180! not a good one though he offered to give me the phone but i said no how should i say it?? i have to do this or go crazy and i feel like the timing is bad and i have brought it up 3 times over the last 2 weeks. Please give me your ideas- I could use some sentence ideas at this point Emily- you and i are very similar-in our sitch- it is so hard to explain what kind of thing we have been through and i dont think H even understands yet. So in maybe a few more months i hope we communicate better too. Retrovaille in may for us- I and consider counseling again. thanks for the support so much shay
Hi Shay. I am so glad that you and your husband are working on your marriage. I have been separated 3 mos and folks like you give folks like me hope! I think that your husband needs to be very open about his cell phone bill considering what you guys have been through. When you have a day when you mind is racing or you are feeling insecure, maybe ask H if you can have 15 mins to express how you are feeling with "i" stetements and he can reassure you. Set aside time to communicate. Start with small intervals. Did you see the signs that he was getting ready to come home. Did you guys date while he was at his sisters house?
I meant to ask you how long was his EA/Pa? May I suggest you guys order Light his fire/light her fire audio. The audio has been great for me. goto kreidman.com and check it out. The cassettes are about $117.00 a pieceSet of 6 tapes) but is one of the best investments I have ever made.
How long were you and H separated? I suggest you invest in Light his Fire/Light her Fire audio. They are great.goto Kreidman.com I am glad you 2 are back together and working on it.
Uggh....really bad couple of days for me. I am just heartbroken...again. H has been talking to OW again on the phone about 3 times a day. I knew that something was weird about the cell phone and so I looked up his bill online. I had to know. So many lies to "protect" me. I asked him if we could take a ride, I then asked him about it. He said he had been feeling bad- lonely- and his head was all screwed up. He said he cant make me happy, I dont deserve this. It isnt my fault. He hates the way he has been acting and is broken, as in broken in his head. This was a catharsis of emotions -arguing, crying by me, almost crying by him, lots of sadness. I am really struggling. I thought things were better. It is so heartbreaking that I have to go through this again. I feel like I should do something drastic. I dont have the strength. He has called several times to chk on me. Last night was actually ok. H said it was a relief to talk honestly and not have me completely fall apart. Last night I was confused and being quiet and even smiling with the kids. He told me today after all my questioning that he gets most upset about not being able to make me happy. I dont know what this means. I was starting to get happy and very hopeful. He later said this means that she makes him feel appreciated and he could make her happy. But that I am a higher caliber ? of a person. She has much less going for her I guess. Anyway, I cry, he feels attacked, checks on me out of guilt. We had sex this morning It is just a roller coaster ride. I need a plan. We need to make some decisions on how things are going to be. I asked him to not call her and he said he would. I told him to let me know if she is out of the picture and that I have to protect myself from everything until this happens. ??? not sure how to tell him I am not working on things until she is gone. She is never gone. He spoke with her 4 times last year and now this. If I can, and I feel like a big fool for getting hopeful, I know I could work on appreciating him. That is so hard right now. He still loves me,, cares about me,, feels awful and just really sad. I set up a Dr appt for him and he went and got some meds. 2 kinds: one works in about 2 weeks and the other is as needed. He hates to take medicine and these are addictive. I asked him if it was better to feel so bad and said he guesses not. so.....I am really sad andreally down and just hurting all over. He said that he hasnt seen her or anything- just these phone calls. we were seperated almost a year, he saw me every waking hour and slept at his sisters. He was more attentive and called more and we always went on dates once a week. This is also when he didnt contact OW all year. He moved back in - sept. He started calling her in January. Help
Shay - hopefully one of those medications is an antidepressant, they are NOT addictive, and he really sounds like he needs it.
It's true, it's very hard for them to live with us if all they are seeing is the pain they have caused.
You need to talk to him clearly about forging a happier new R, about what each of you need to work on to do that. You need to help him understand that he CAN regain those lost feelings, but he will need to heal from his depression and you two need to do things together that are fun and bonding.
Ellie, Thanks for being there. He has an anti depressant and one that work same day? anyway, he says he feels crazy and that is when I stress and we dont have fun. I am thinking: 1. I wanted to go out tonight with friends but they went out last night. Anyway....I thought we could just do something low stress like watch basketball somewhere. 2. goals- I need some haha back later kids walked in!
throughout
