Hi everyone – finally feel ready to post, and would welcome feedback from you wonderful people out there.
Briefly, I am 39 yrs old, H is 41 yrs, we are school sweethearts, have been together for 21 years, lived together for 18, married for 10. since last June I noticed changes in H’s behavior, nothing major, just more attention to looks, clothes, unpredictable movements etc
H dropped bomb on October 11th, was having ea with ex-colleague (42 yrs, m with 2 kids). I did all the wrong things, cried, plead to end, to no avail. In fact, EA escalated to PA shortly after. Some attempts to end have transpired, most recent one has held since March 11th.
I discovered michelle, dbing and this wonderful bb mid-feb and have seen some great results. Up to now, I have been a little sloppy with goals and journaling, and having spent the last few days reading sage’s progress, I feel I need to be honest with myself, and having the board to post to seems like a good motivator!
well, been thinking about goals,and want these to be ones i can review weekly and hopefully see progress.
1. Slow down, cultivate patience, expect less. This is a big one for me, as I’ve always been in a hurry, and the take charge type (just to save time). I'll know this is achieved when H has to step in and take charge more often. When I do not have disappointments because expectations (often unspoken) are unmet 2. Stretch and meditate everyday – this is good for my physical, mental and emotional well being 3. Enjoy the moment – H has never left me, and vows never will, has consistently maintained this to OW. So, I need to make the most of this. Need to identify what was good everyday, and journal 4. Shower H with attention during work day – my previous silence seems to be a source of H not feeling loved 5. Affirm feel good moments with H – this will take work. We’ve both in the past been the strong silent types, lots of words seen as a bit ‘wet’ – must change this!
Phew - that's a lot to start with, but small ones...
thanks for the welcome, pam. 5118 posts - wow. i must set time aside to catch up on your stich. well, here's my first journal. hope to be more refined as i get the practise in
The Good
1. H is more attentive, more physically demonstrative, hugs often, holds hand while in public, caught H looking at me intently several times over weekend -and the rest 2. H shared with me his concern about OW’s future – H talked about it as if he is no longer in the picture. ‘Now that she knows she has lost me …” 3. Had a great 2 days doing stuff together for the house, shopping etc . we tackled an especially difficult project, wall decoration for a difficult side to the living room
The Bad
1. Had a weepy moment this afternoon, triggered by sight of momento given by OW that H still keeps in his key pouch. BAD. I cannot control H keeping momento, I must work on my reaction, and HAVE PATIENCE. Q to piecers out there – should I mention to H that sight of this momento rattles me – or does it give the A more importance in OR? 2. Same old, same old this weekend in terms of activities – must think of something different next week – add to goals – diversity, mystery
Your time reading here would be much better spent reading more of some of the very successful DBers. There is a thread here that has several successful sitch's listed and threads linked.
I just like to talk.
I would not mention the momento if it were me, well if it were me I would have probably. But I think it would be best not to mention it!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Hi Slowly ... and welcome to the board altho I'm sorry for the reason that led you here.
Some of your background is very similar to mine. Since the EA/PA is a symptom of the what H felt was causing a rift between the two of you, has he ever mention what he felt was pulling the two apart or at least are troubling him? Are these part of the splendid list of goals you posted?
Its great the your H vows he will never leave, but has he expressed a desire to work at M to try to make it better? It may not be that you need to expect less, but rather recognizing the actions you are using are not resulting in the expectation you want and rather than repeating those actions that continue to go down cheeseless tunnels, seek a different approach that may work. For example, if you are looking to get somewhere 60 miles away within an hour, riding a bicycle won't get you there, you will need to select another mode to get you there. Sometimes the choices we make are not as obvious ... that they are not using the proper mode to achieve our expectations.
At the risk of my own embarrasment here, one of my W's biggest issues was that I was always too busy when I came home from work, so we didn't spend time together. So after dinner, I would sit down in the livingroom and unwind a bit while waiting for CAW to join me. She in turn would finish cleaning up in the kitchen and then go in the bedroom. I continued wait in the livingroom expecting if she wants to spend time with me, she will come join me. This went on for months. It culminated with her continuing to blame me for not spending anytime with her and me getting angry because I was sitting around waiting to spend time with her.
Simply taking a different approach was needed. Instead of going in the livingroom and waiting for her to join me, I started helping her with cleaning up the kitchen so that we already together and then we both would move on to the next activity.
So having disappointments because expectations are unmet may meaning having to examine the actions being taken and doing something different to get different result that may in turn meet your expectations.
It sounds like you are off to a good start to DBing. You may want to list some of your 180's as plan as to what you are going to do differently to reach your goals ... and if you master DBing, you will gain the patience you seek and will learned to slow down for DBing is a gradual process / transition towards where you want to be. Its truly where being the tortoise rather than the hare will get you to the finish line first.
hi kaw and pam - it is so good to have your constructive support, and insightful feedback.
your point about modes is absolutely valid - i have been focusing so much on religning my expectations - you have no idea how out of whack they were! i plan to re-read michelle's post on joanne's goals, and then re-cap with what H's reactions have been so far.
kaw, i think you may have the nail on the head about modes - for example, i noticed lately that at breakfast, i'm doing the chattering for the most part - otherwise we are in silence. H probably feels he does not get air time, need to figure out how to make him comfortable opening up.
one has to view the journey as the reward - there is no end point here... just continuous improvement
hi pam - yes, i'm absolutely processing my changes to goals with kaw's wise words in mind. been an interesting day today:
the good - H is more cheerful, like his pre-A self, laughed at a couple of jokes even, more engaging with me when we are together. a has been over for almost 2 weeks now, still early days, i feel - during work day, was quite forthcoming about meetings, plans etc. this is quite a new development, H used to be reticent about discussing work day (and was not interested in hearing about my work day either) - H completed tax returns - this is a FIRST!!! usually i'd have barged in and taken charge - we are a bit close to the filing deadline, but he's done it, i'm so happy - over dinner H chatted about some frustration with new boss at work - lots of opportunity for me to validate, which was done beautifully
the bad - H brought work home, and before and after dinner we both spent time on our mutual laptops - no quality time. i'm disappointed about this - i must change my reactions when H takes out laptop - by doing the same, i'm saying it is aceptable. i must find other things to do in H's vicinity that let's him know quality time is more important to me than catching up with work - H told me last night that he is involved in a new project for 3 days per week, for the next 4 weeks, at client site, which is 5 mins away from OW's workplace - aarrgghh - i did not react, but obviously lots of fear churning through me - lack of sleep - had a dream that OW was pregnant - talk about runaway imagination - could not sleep after that - BIG circles around my eyes today. i must focus on getting good night's sleep - this has been a problem on and off for the past 6 months
the work ahead - mystery - having lunch with a good friend today, H was interested to come along, now is (feigning?) being busy. next time, i'm gonna not divulge so much detail upfront, let H wonder, and feel a little left out - just heard from OW's sister that H had told her he will never lose me (in response to her comment that he has a great W and should take care i do not leave him) i'm more than a little dismayed that H is taking me for granted, i must work on this - kaw's excellent question - is H willing to put in effort to rebuild our M? i believe so, in fact, H was contemplating both of us taking time off to focus on re-connecting, but the reality of bills means we need to muddle through as best we can
phew - this journaling stuff is great, but does take energy. hats off to sage, shiny and the rest who have set such great examples for the rest of us
all constructive feedback would be appreciated!! thanks
But I think it would be best not to mention it! 
