Seattle, good to hear from you. I see you've updated your thread recently, I'll try to stop by today.
W has always been good at talking about her feelings. W is also a very good listener. I would have to say W's communication skills overall are very good, its part of what makes her so good at sales.
When W talks about us lately, there is often a lot of regret for what happened, some confusion, and a fair amount of venting. She questions why it had to come to where it did, why I couldn't get the point sooner. She does not like the idea of going back on such a big decision, a decision she put months of thought into. I just do my best to listen and validate and understand, no matter what she is expressing. Her feelings are important to me. I can only wish I'd paid more attention sooner, but there's no point in wishing for a better past.
If forced to choose between Chandler and Ross, I would have to choose Chandler.
Hey Renew! Glad to see you here. I was just going to sign off and head home for the weekend.
I just started a new post. Go ahead and look for it if you want.
Just wanted to check in on you. I read your sitch but haven't posted for a few days. Didn't want to be sucked into the black hole, I felt I was at the edge.
Have a wonderful weekend. If things go well, no one will hear from me. I hope something wonderful for yourself happens to you this weekend, and I hope one wonderful thing will happen to W that she will share with you.
Say this 500 times a day this weekend. And MEAN it.
Hello. This thread is probably close to being locked out at its current post count, and I'm not really feeling ready to start another one. So I thought I'd write a kind of temporary closing post. My thoughts are a little loose and so this post may be a little random, but I feel like what I'm saying makes sense to me. First...
I'm not giving up on us.
I hate the idea of divorce. I love her more than I've ever loved anyone. I adore her. She is smart and funny, she is talented and energetic, she is caring and considerate. She is the most I could ever hope for in a wife. I can see us having a happy and fulfilling life together. I want to finish this house with her, I want to have a family with her, I want to grow old with her. I believe in us. But she is also seeing another man on a very regular basis. She is even spending time with his kids next week who are visiting him without their mother for the first time since they divorced. W continues to plan future activities with him (some as far off as a few months from now). He doesn't appear to be going away soon. Don't get me wrong, she may come around, the babysteps I've seen since I started are undeniable. As long as some kind of progress continues, and as long as I haven't been served with divorce papers, I'm not giving up, but...
I need to take care of me.
I need to detach more and more. It's what everyone here has been telling me, and I am finally starting to do it. And Betsey, you were right on the money when you said I have nothing to lose. If I can't take care of my responsibilities, and my own happiness, then how can I expect to extend my care and love to her, or to anyone else? I need to be happy regardless of the outcome. I also recognize that she is not and has not been behaving like my wife, she is not giving me the support and care and love I deserve, and I can't expect her to right now. And I don't feel like I'm detaching well when I'm writing down every interaction that occurs between her and I. I feel like I need to take a break on the updates for awhile.
Everyone here has been SO VERY helpful to me, and I can't thank all of you enough. Rottzilla, Seattle, Betsey, Anita, Rj2, Dazedboy, and everyone else: your support and advice have helped me become a much better person. All of you have been wonderful and extraordinarily generous and forthcoming and I am VERY grateful. (Rottzilla, btw, I'm practicing your steroidal PMA advice. Thanks!) I can only hope that I've been able to offer a few of you even a portion of the support you've given me. I will still come and read and try to keep up with many of you, and will still be DBing the best I can, but I'm just not ready to start another thread yet.
If any of this seems bitter or angry or resentful, tell me. I don't mean for it to be.
So, on with my last update for awhile:
The counseling thing is in her court right now. She had recently asked to come to one of my IC sessions, and in the same conversation she was expressing concern about whether it was healthy for us to live together much longer (her father has told her she needs to make a clean break and get on with her life). I talked to my IC, and then I told W what he and I had talked about, all of which she seemed to understand and accept...
1. IC said that even if we were to divorce in a few months, our living together, our daily interaction, is very constructive and positive for both of us, and it can and should be helping both of us grow as individuals. 2. He thinks talking about our situation w/ a C is a good idea, but he is my IC, and it would be improper for her to meet with him as he is already too familiar with my side of the story. He would be happy to suggest someone. 3. W should go see this other C without me, because these are choices for her to make (they are not my choices, but I will abide by them either way) and if she wants to develop more of her own autonomy, then these are her responsibilities. My IC said he would be happy to talk to her on the phone about all of this.
I hope she does call him, I hope she does find and talk to a counseler on her own, I hope she goes for more than just one or two sessions, and I hope this is the beginning of real healing for her, because I don't want her to hurt anymore, I want her to be happy. I want both of us to be happy.
I think if anyone out there can relate to where you are and have been it is us on here with you. Please don't feel the need to apologize for stating how you feel and what you need to do. We are here to give you a hand on where you want to go. Its a tough journey but I'm sure you have found things within you that you would never reverse now.
Quote: I also recognize that she is not and has not been behaving like my wife, she is not giving me the support and care and love I deserve, and I can't expect her to right now.
This is a shocking revelation and a hard one to accept, but it is one that needs to be accepted. You don't have to like it, agree with it, but you do need to accept and do what you feel is right for YOU, and for her. It doesn't mean you can't still feel for her, and I think you know that. It does mean you have to do what is right for you, because no one else will.
Quote: And I don't feel like I'm detaching well when I'm writing down every interaction that occurs between her and I. I feel like I need to take a break on the updates for awhile.
Understandable, cave time is good. As I heard this weekend, to stop living inside our heads and to start living. Remember to not be shy of posting either, everyone is here to support you.
Hey Renew, just stopping in to say hey. Don't go totally away. I also thought some detaching - from the boards - would be good. What I found is that I quickly forgot the principles I needed to use - DBing.
What I suggest is DO stop posting so much, but DO NOT stop posting all together. After all, I can see how I was also spending far too much time thinking about my sitch, even to the point of turning off my radio on my drive home and thinking over posts or what I would do that night. This is not normal, healthy behavior of a strong individual. So, I am also turning off partly. But, on the flip side, it's great practice to write down occasional updates. It keeps you focused, journaling let's you go back and see what works, and it keeps your history alive so you can see the progress and not be discouraged.
So, come on back on occasion and journal for all of us. I'm going to try to cut back to weekly or as needed. Just IMHO, it is not a bad thing in moderation.
