I'm pretty good, I guess I don't post much any more, I don't feel I have any insights to offer. I'm finding it hard to get around anger right now. She's not doing much overt, just things like changing her story about why she needed me to babsit:
1. I need to work early Sat. 2. Well, I assumed you'd keep him Fri night since I have to get up early 3. Well, I was going to that festival downtown 4. Well, I know the festival starts Sat, I'm actually going to a concert in the same area. 5. I'm going to the Melissa Ethridge concert 6. Ex-GF gave me tickets and we went with some other women from AA group.
All dribbled out over a span of 2 days. I'm not happy about what happened, but if it was none of my business just say so and be done.
I know I shouldn't care at this point, but she wants to 'be friends' and I just can't date or anything while we're legally married. It doesn't feel right.
Weirdly enough, we're still going to take a 'family' vacation, taking S7 to Disney, in two weeks. It's a surprise for him, he doesn't know. I hope I can be pleasant the whole time.
Time to invest in yourself. You've been through it all. Your wife confuses me almost as my ex confused me.
The anger thing is hard to kill. It takes a lot of time, and you just have to ride that wave I guess. Find something healthy to take the anger out on... beat a pillow (not my favorite but hey... someone suggested it to me), throw darts with a picture of her on the board (make sure kids aren't around), exercise more. Don't let that anger get pent up inside you, it can be a killer.
Be friends but don't let her throw you off course. Find you and have fun doing it.
Don't know how you can do it... going on a family vacation. I realize it's all in the best interest of the kids, but man oh man... you have the patience of Job to be able to do that!! Enjoy it, though. Focus on your son and enjoying the trip for yourself.
I've been reading your posts, sorry the X is driving you crazy.
Speaking of crazy, what are the odds I'd post that message of mine, then W would, that very night, tell me "she missed me" (I was gone last week), "I'm looking forward to spending time with you on vacation, not just with S" (I couldn't bring myself to say the same to her earlier), and "I'm having second thoughts about divorce." That there was a lot to lose. Well, no $h!t.
Well, with aliens, I guess the odds are pretty high!
I'm not reading much into it, she still 'likes me', she just doesn't ever want to have sex with me again. She's offering me, I guess, the kind of relationship Johanna's H seems to want: to be roomies, and no more.
Hey Xeno... yeah... the ex is being the creep from the deep. Yanking my chains through total passive aggressiveness. I honestly think he's mentally ill or in the late stages of some addiction. I haven't really seen him face to face since October, and he wasn't looking too good then. So one has to wonder about his state of mind.
Aliens. Can never understand or believe a word out of their mouths... some of the stuff they come up with is incredible. Will any of us be able to understand them?
Yeah, while my W seems irrational, capricious and moody, at least she clearly isn't insane. I trust her with the care of my S, though I don't approve of everything she does.
Your XH, though -- wow, he seems so deeply addicted it almost seems suicidal. Some of it sounds likes he's maybe added drugs to the list of his addictions - think you said she was busted for it, so I guess he has ready access to them. Could that be?
Wow, if I'd've waited a few more weeks, it could have been an even year. Needless to say, I've "not posted much". The thought was just exhausting, and to summarize it would only document the endless whirlpool of being closer and further.
I stopped posting primarily because I came to realize that most of my posts were about her: what she did that made me mad, what she didn't do (that also made me mad), what I wanted her to do (and she didn't (and that also made me mad)).
These are qualitatively different from the other posts I enjoy reading, which are mostly about their own life, with only a side order of complaints about the X/STBX. Like you, bluekeys/keysblew if you happen to be reading -- mostly about your life, and I think that's a healthy focus. Or maybe I've just reached that mystical detached nirvana.
W has come to realize that I'm not, in fact evil or hateful, because I don't act like she expects me to, it's because I have Asperger's (autism-lite, so to speak). The things I did to hurt her were mostly due to ignorance and/or that I think differently (she once actually used the word 'gaslighting' to describle what she thought I did!)
I, on the other have, have come to realize: I yam what I yam, in the immortal words of Popeye. I have also come to not fear her anger, because: maybe, just maybe, I'm not wrong all the time.
So while the Asperger's diagnosis is a mixed blessing:
* Why did it take that for her to decide I'm not mean? * Is that an excuse for me to do whatever I like? * Is that an excuse for her to dismiss whatever I need (in an R)? etc.
The short (too late!) summary is: W and I are not getting a divorce, she'll be moving back in after recuperating from her surgery next week, probably July. What remains to be seen is if we can rebuild affection(intimacy) beyond the casual friendship we have, which is real and nice, but nonetheless a little guarded.
Of course, it could all go off it's trolley at any moment.
As for me, I'm doing great at work, I love my woodworking and I have a blue belt in kungfu.
Anyway, I'm not going away -- but I also didn't want to leave this thread with such an open end. And I also wanted to be sure to thank all those who kindly helped me over the years:
einstein, rearly, bluekeys/keyzblew, acorn, secondchances, dulcie and probably others I've can't recall right now. I appreciate you all, and you all mean quite a lot to me.
Like keysblew, I only check in here sporadically. My sit is that W has been living with me for the last two months, we're getting along great, talking about the future.
She said, just yesterday, that I had changed a lot. She pulled away from her old friends that caused me so much grief - in fact, we spent the fourth together as a family unlike the last two times when she spend them elsewhere.
So, if I've changed, I attribute it to a lot of things (counseling, SAA group) but also to the many kind people I met here, and the advice in DB/DR. If I seem reluctant to say this is another "win" for DB-ing, it is only because one of my changes seems to be that I am a little less willing to not question where I am. No more assuming things are OK. So, that will take a little time.
Thanks for updating us on your situation! I have been a lurker of yours since I joined the boards, and I have found you writing to be helpful to me!
Good luck with the Asperger's thing! I work in an elementary school that has a significant number of kids with that diagnosis. I think I may be a little bit on the spectrum myself!
Anyway, I can see how that would cause huge misunderstanding s in a releationship! How terrific for you both to be trying a second chance.
There is a great book that I read, it was written from the Point of View of an Aspergers kid, and for someone who doesn't quite get it, it gives some great insight into that kind of mind. it is called The curious incident of the dog in the night time.
It is a good read and went pretty quick for me.
Good luck to you and all the best! SG
Survival Goddess "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker
Yeah, I'm only here sporadically these days. But I do read.
Well, sounds like life is settling down for you. That may be a good thing. This detached nirvana is strange I will admit. I could honestly care less about my ex, and I refuse to focus on him and his actions any longer. Truly I have enough on my own plate to deal with and sometimes it takes every ounce of energy I have to see the good in my life at times but it's worthwhile.
I may be smacked for saying this since it's a fairly controversial attitude to take, but I believe that we all have a God within us. We after all were created in his image and likeness and we can choose to see that in ourselves or not. It seems you have chosen to see that in yourself by saying you are not an evil creature. When we tend to focus on the lack or the negativity in our lives we tend to get ourselves into a lot of trouble or when we allow someone else to suck us into their vacuum of spew, negativity, or lack (by listening and responding to their constant complaints) we get ourselves into trouble.
Don't know if that makes any sense. But I can't get myself sucked into someone's problems if they refuse to take positive efforts to help themselves. It's a very draining situation to be in. Weren't we told to love others as we would love ourselves? So to my pea-picking brain, it means to see the good in myself and the good in others. If someone doesn't want to see the good in this world, why should I bother? Sounds like your W is coming around to seeing something positive there.
Self-acceptance sometimes is a very difficult thing... to realize who we really are. I think I'm almost there.
Like you, I've learned a lot through others on this board. Sometimes the lessons aren't necessarily what was written in objective words but what is between the lines. I appreciate a lot of what I've experienced and hopefully have taken a few lessons along the way.
