Things starting in right direction, NEED TIPS!

[nikatnight]

Reuben,



When you get a chance take a look at Haphazard's thread. I would be curious to see what you think.

My sitch took a turn for the worse but I will be OK!

nik

[cruiserrg]

Thanks for all the replies everyone and the support.

Things are going great. We do have minor setbacks once in a while, but we get past them in short order and do let them linger on. In fact it seems I have more trouble with this than my W.

We had fun all weekend, and spent time with her new friends and my W really likes it. I enjoy it as well, but secretly look forward to our times alone also. My W even commented to me that she likes going out more when I am with her, rather than alone.

We both are looking forward to the Retrouvaille weekend, and hope to learn some things to help us. I'll post an update after the weekend and share our experience there with all of you.

Thanks again, and I will continue to pray for all of you as you have done for me.

[TKKC1]

Reuben,

Congratulations again!! I am so happy for you and your W. I really wish I could start to see the same results you did.

I wanted to ask you if you had any ideas about how to handle the fact that my W just states that she is very angry with me (and I think unable to forgive me). She gave me some more detail in a conversation we had last night and you are so insightful with DBing that I would really appreciate your thoughts on this.

God Bless You,

Tom

[TKKC1]

Reuben,

Thank you so much for posting what I always consider to be such sage advice. You are a good man. When I read through your threads and the advice you post to me and others, it is very apparent that you have been blessed with a deep understanding of relationships. Your approach is never agressive or selfish but rather soft and nurturing. And in your conversations with your W, you don't tailor your words in such a way that they seem unnatural, insincere or fabricated for the sole purpose of applying DB techniques. I think this is one of the biggest problems that men have (not to be sexist but I believe women have an edge when it comes to expressing their feelings) when applying the DB techniques.

I believe I understand DBing pretty well, but from your posts, I have come to learn that it is not just knowing the DB principles but mastering the most effective delivery and application of the principles. When I am not thinking straight because I am obsessing about my sitch, I find that it feels awkward when I am with my W. I am constantly trying to plan and prepare my next comment or statement. (And our W's can sense immediately when we are not "being ourselves" around them) But when I have good PMA and self confidence, my DBing comes easier and appears to be more effective.

Well, these are some of the things that I have learned from you, "Coach Reuben", and I am very grateful!

[cruiserrg]

TKKC1,

Thank you so much for the reply, it wasn't easy to do the DBing and I wish it was as easy for me as you make it sound.

Update:
My W and I got back from our Retrouvaille Weekend. All I can say is WOW. We finally have a TOOL to use to communicate effectively and understand what each other is really saying.

I don't want to detail the weekend out fully, but I will say that EVERYONE in piecing should try to attend Retrouvaille! Everyone coming in there seemed to have the weight of the world on thier shoulders, but by then end there was holding hands, hugging, kissing and a general sense of relief. Leaving there I felt most everyone came away with encouragement that they could make their marriages work.

We personally found that we shared the samed thoughts and ideas on topics, and our answers to questions were very simular most of the time. It showed us we have a lot more in common and are in sync more often than we every would admit.

This was just plain amazing and I thank God for the blessing of Retrouvaille. To hear storys from the lead team and what they went through and how they got their M back together was incredible.

Lastly, the lead Minstry Couple has been dealing with MS in their Family. They got together with us afterward and we prayed for Gods healing in my W life everyday. The Minister helped my W deal with the struggles she has with MS through prayer. He also gave her advice on how to love herself. Lastly, they gave me advise to help my W when she is down on herself.

It was wonderful, EVERYONE please consider participating in Retrouvaille. I now know my W and I are going to make it! We both do and this is just amazing. And even better Retrouvaille continues for us for 9 meetings on Sat. and there is a support session every month. We now have a support circle and even more things to learn and use to heal our M and make it the best it can be.

Thanks to all of you for the support and I will try to help where I can. Time to spend here is less than in the past (I spend it with my W), but I want to still help if I can. God Bless You All!

[nikatnight]

Reuben,

H and I went to Retrouvaille 1 yr. ago. I thought it was great but H wasn't in the right mindset for it and so here we are. I am glad that it was so beneficial to you!!!

Just curious, how did you handle living with a WAW? My H is still thinking about moving out to an apt. I just wonder if I can handle acting like friends if he decides to not move out yet.

Thoughts??

nik

[nitaf]

Where can I view your original Sich?

[cruiserrg]

Reuben,

H and I went to Retrouvaille 1 yr. ago. I thought it was great but H wasn't in the right mindset for it and so here we are. I am glad that it was so beneficial to you!!!

Just curious, how did you handle living with a WAW? My H is still thinking about moving out to an apt. I just wonder if I can handle acting like friends if he decides to not move out yet.

Thoughts??

nik

Nik,

Living with a WAS is never easy and I think more difficult than DBing to get them home.

Here are some tips I learned:
- Come here to vent, keep from venting in front of a WAS.
- Learn what real unconditional love is and love your WAS as Jesus loves them.
- You have to face that you will be carrying the R for some time and need to be strong to do so. You MUST do this out of LOVE, decide to LOVE your WAS and do so without resentment.
- Lower your expectations, there is no perfect mate. Compromise is key to a sucess R.
- Don't make this about you. Getting angry at a WAS for not meeting your expectations is a losing proposition.

I will give an example of this that may help and was the begining of my realization of how to really LOVE someone. My W and I had planned to have dinner together that I would cook. She was going to be home by 7:00pm. 7pm came and I called to check to see if she would be home. I got voice mail, and left message that I was starting dinner and hoped she would be home soon and that she was having fun (loving tone and message).

I cooked the meal and set the table for 2, dished out dinner and had a nice meal alone. After dinner I left her plate out but covered it and wrote a note: "For my loving wife, wish you could have eaten this with me. Love Reuben" I cleaned up the rest of the dishes except for her meal and glass of wine.

She came home late and saw this and realized what she had done. She came to bed and said she was really sorry, and felt guilty about missing dinner. I didn't get angry or really say anything other than I love you and glad your home.

This allowed me to be who I am, a loving husband who cares about his wife. We cannot control their actions, but by not getting angry or judgemental, we allow our WAS to be responsible for their actions.

Hope this helps. I would also suggest if you haven't to try dialoging together with your H again. Maybe even visit a CORE meeting. Retrouvaille can and does work if you both put the effort into it.

natif, My original sitch is linked in my first post in this thread.