I had posted a long response y'day when H came walking in, and I closed the window so it didnt post.
I appreciate you all so much and I am sorry I dont have the time and freedom to post much now.
I know I need to go back and read DB and DR and start finding some things that work. I seem to be approaching him in my "old" way and he is getting irritated with the questions.
For now, he is not contributing financially to the household. I did make a couple of comments about bills and things and he made no offer of help. I am going to let this go a while and see what he does. unfortunately, while he was gone he spent all of his paychecks on whatever he wanted to, but paid no bills, so he brought those back with him. I wonder if that will become an excuse to not help with household expenses....
So far, I have been kind of neglecting my own needs- bible study, prayer, exercise, "me time" etc, because our lives are quite busy now with my son in b-ball and my dad was in the hospital. I can see that neglecting my self makes me more irritable towards everyone else.
He is trying very hard to be nice to my kids. That means a lot to me, but I am starting to see the "old" H, maybe because some of the "old" W is coming out. Why on earth do they think things will just be fine without putting any work into the marriage?
"Being at peace with yourself is a direct result of finding peace with God."
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:7
Make sure you go back to the DR book and read over again. You dont want to backslide. You have worked too hard for this.
I understand about the financial situation...Can you talk to him about it?
Ya know when you say why do they think everything will be fine w/o putting work into the M? It is weird b/c my WAH told me when day when I was acting "as if" that he couldnt believe I was acting as if nothing was wrong. It was almost like he wanted me to be upset. Just a thought..
jeez, lost another response. I was going back to see if I had already mentioned something on this thread and lost the one I was writing! Well, H cant stand me being upset at all. He is good at asting "as if" almost all the time! He doesnt like confrontation at all.
About the finances. I dont really want to talk to him about it yet. I have a couple of bills that I am going to ask him to write a ck for and see how that goes. I had mentioned that while he was gone, not paying any rent, he also didn't pay his doctor bills and he has over $1000 in bills that he is bringing back to us, while he spent freely and bought himself so many things it is mind blowing. I had told him one night that he should buy me a gift after all he had bought. He asked what? I said jewlery. He said "well, there is a limit". I asked him how much he had spent on himself.. and he looked ashamed and said "Pick out whatever you want". But I didn't. I have to say that this particular thing is becoming a thorn under my saddle! He should have come back with some flowers at least!! I never had an engagement ring, and he knows full well that I want one. At one time, I wore one of his mothers solitaires- she lent it to me, he had nothing to do with it. So, he continues to talk about spending $1500 on new tv, stereo, etc, while I keep thinking, don't you have any desire at all to give me a gift???? I could barely keep our heads above water (money from my mother is all that did, and cashing out a 401K) because I didnt have a full time job when he left. And all the while, he is buying, buying, buying. Gifts is really not my primary love language, but all the languages should be addressed! I have books laying all around that I have been reading, about marriage and relationship. I have this site and Marriage Builders bookmarked, and sometimes leave the site up on the computer, and he seems totally uninterested in any of it. I am going to try very hard this weekend to act as if we are happy together, totally committed to one another, and give him lots of attention, while being happy. I'll come here with all my negative thoughts!!!
"Being at peace with yourself is a direct result of finding peace with God."
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:7
Tell me, how did the bills get paid before he left? If you shared them or he paid whatever his share was, could you consider just assuming with him that that is what he will do - and make your assumption obvious to him (in a casual way - like "Oh H, the bill for the ---- was due by ----, I hope you haven't missed that deadline?")? I mean, if he is pretending that nothing happened, then there shouldn't be a hiccup on his part with the bill payment responsibilities, right?? Just a thought.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Hi Dragonflie, You posted over at my place a few days ago...don't know if you saw my response.... I know it may not seem like it ...but you're doing fine!!
Sounds like a pretty confusing time right now, trying to sort of re-adjust to each other and see what issues are REALLY important to you and which ones you can just let go of for a while........
How about YOU decide that....and don't let your H be the one who decides what you will and will not consider up for grabs for discussion....
Takes the R off of him and gives you alittle more control!!
In other words....don't keep expecting him to figure out what to say or not say...do or not do....It sounds like he is more confused right now than you and needs to get some bearings.....
I KNOW this sounds like an impossible task...but remember....he doesn't have your DB advantage!!!
Maybe the reason he can't stand you being upset is HE doesn't know what to DO WITH YOUR upset.....He is hardly an expert on himself right now!...let alone about you......
Try not expecting ANYTHING!!! Nada, zilch, zippo, NOTHIN'
You are probbally better at dealing with yourself right now than HE is.....
Please remember finances are just bills.....we all have them...they don't go away.....we will always have them...so let's see if we can find a way for you to approach this subject in a matter of fact....NO FAULT sort of appraoch...kind of like brushing your teeth or flossing....all NESSESSARY EVILS!!!
Ignoring them does NOT solve the problem...and frankly neither does your taking it all on by yourself...unless of course you want to end up with a big plate full of resentment in front of you at the dinner table!!!
Could you agree to set a side one hour each monday( whatever) night...make it a firm committment of one hour no more...and the first few times set an egg timer if you have to and DON"T go over the hour!!....It will let him know it is not a prison sentence...it DOES have an ending!!...to just "go over" the bills, so nothing "gets out of hand"?????
Try to remain calm. Don't use this time for any emotional issues....just business....strictly business....what you can pay now and what to make wait....any emergency's....
This way finances are not an issue that gets left for "Whenever" you can manage to bring it up!!.
You will BOTH now know there is a time to bring up these things.....
Any upcoming needed purchases....to plan for or set aside money for ....do you get the picture?
Just asking him to write a check seems risky and very spotty...What about the next time you need to ask him about a bill?? You may set yourself up for always having to find the right time the right frame of mind, etc....this way you both have fair warning.........this also let's him know when and where to bring up issues about finances WITH YOU>>>so he can't hi-jack you in the middle of a busy day!!
Gifts may not be your primary love language....pay back seems to be........
No matter how much he buys you do you think he can ever repay you for the !@#$% he put you through???.......probably not ....
So forget about the rings and gifts and such...
You don't want them because he feels guilty or obligated...It would be much more fufilling if these gifts came from his heart....because he WANTS to give them to you.....NOT because he OWES YOU!!!
Now WE KNOW HE DOES(Owe you big time for all the cr** ).......but it ain't gonna work.
He'll feel resentment...You'll fell gyped!
Dear dragonflie...of course he's going to ignore any of your subtle attempts at revealing to him a better path....books, websites.....articles....his ego would never allow him to admit his wrong doing right now. What man( sorry guys) or person is going to admit how absolutely foolish they've been and how good YOU are.....and what can they learn....He WILL NOT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGE whatever you leave out...so stop trying.....when he's ready believe me you will know!
Actually you should be glad that you have all this support that he can't tap into. ..it does give you quite an advantage you know!!( he doesn't stand a chance against all your new found attitude!!!)
Good girl....you just be happy and light and be the great person we all know you are and again believe me he does notice the changes ...It just may make him crankie that he can't figure out WHY IS YOU ARE SO FRIGGIN" HAPPY!!!LOLO....
Thanks for checking in on me. I have been meaning to post. Time is hard to come by here! Things are improving. We have discussed some of the things we need to- like finances. Even though he hadnt said anything, he assumed we would at some point have a joint account again, and we probably will, later. I asked him to transfer a set amount into my account each month for me to pay joint expenses with and he agreed. He will have his own money and I will have my own money, so I think he will be happier with that... not having to ask me before buying things. I have no intentions of helping him pay off his big bills he didnt pay while he was gone. I hope this doesnt cause problems for us.
I am letting go of most of the bitterness I was harboring about his spending....and leaving me and all that stuff. I am praying a lot, we are doing a devotional together most nights....and I am learning to not say everything I think!!
we are encountering some of the old problems with him jumping in when I am already dealing with my daughter. At least he is aware, after the fact, that he did it. I feel that he is committed, but feels very reserved and cautious.
WE came close to arguing the other night.... he was very defensive and getting that mean "tone". But, we worked it out.
I am re-reading parts of DR along with other books and trying to continue to change and maintain the positive changes.
I will ck in on your threads!
"Being at peace with yourself is a direct result of finding peace with God."
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:7
how much a couple of days change things. I am depressed. He went skiing with his cousin yesterday. That was something we used to do together and I really couldnt understand why he would not want me to go with. But I gave him the go ahead. I made plans with a friend and her daughter and we were busy all day. Then H and I went to a movie last night. On the way there we had talked about his brother being on antidepressants or some med for anger/anxiety. He talked about how it has made a big difference - positive difference- in his brother. In the past H has always acted and said if I had prayed about the depression instead of taking meds and going to the dr, then maybe I wouldnt have to be on meds. So last night, I told him that it amazes me that I can still have so much tension and anxiety while on 2 antidepressants and 2 nerve pills. He acted aghast at this news (new meds) and asked AGAIN if I had prayed about this instead of taking meds. I told him I prayed continuously after he left and at times considered hospitalizing myself. There were days when my mom had to take care of the kids because I just wasnt able. And it was God and the meds and the caring of others that kept me out of the hospital. It surely wasnt any help or love from him. (I didnt say that last part) And then I asked him if he prayed instead of going to the ER last fall with chest pain that was heartburn, and then had multiple expensive tests to determine that he still has heartburn. And asked him if he had prayed about that condition instead of taking the meds the dr gave him for it. He said it had not occured to him!!
He has never understood depression and never helped me or supported me in any way regarding that.
All he cares about is himself. I knew that before he left, while he was gone, and now I get to live it again. Why on earth did I think that I could do this? Only care about him while he ignores my needs>??? With a new full time job that leaves no time for the needs of my children. I am overextended and over whelmed and I have NO help from him. Obviously, I am very resentful. He acted aghast that I wasnt going to church this morning (as if he acknowledges that God exists on any other day besides Sunday and Wednesday). He insisted that the kids go. Whatever.
I was so close to God and at times had achieved a sense of peace in my life that was evident to others who had mentioned it to me..... and now I am not. I really don't know what to do or when I would do it if I knew what to do , besides get back to praying.
He is like other WAS's who don't seem to be doing anythin g to work on the M. He is trying to be nicer to me and the kids, but no reading on anything that would help him to improve himself or M. It's all up to me, yet he acts as if he is really doing something. I can't even talk to him without the defensive anger. So I don't try anymore.
Last night we went to a movie and had absolutely nothing to say to one another the whole way home or afterwards. He fell asleep in the chair, then went to bed, told me ILY. I was bitter because he had bought himself some more stuff on his ski trip, and some movies earlier this week. I am still bitter that he spends all of his money on himself, while he told me he couldnt write a ck for the trash man last week. I have come right out and asked him to get me a gift. If it was in his heart, he would have. He buys himself more gifts than anyone I have ever known. We talked one night after ML about the love languages.... and that his is touch and words of affirmation. He said mine is acts of service. well if he knows that, then what is holding him back from doing something? I mentioned that while we have a primary love language, we need to speak the other languages as well. I guess I just don't have any indication that he loves me except that he says he does. And that he is here.
I am not db'ing at all.
"Being at peace with yourself is a direct result of finding peace with God."
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:7
....
..it does give you quite an advantage you know!!( he doesn't stand a chance against all your new found attitude!!!)
