Anyone else experiencing attempts that are working?
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I have seen some progress with mystery in my sitch! Maybe I should add a little more.... Actually a combination of mystery and less availability.
So far, I have found the best mystery is when I'm late or have other plans the same night as seeing H. My H is a musician and has shows a lot. So when he invites me to the show, I get there late b/c of a party I was at, or leave early to meet friends or don't go to some of the shows at all. Then if asked, I say I had other plans(something fun I'm vague about, with "friends" The vagueness helps BIG TIME)
He has been asking lately what I did the night of his show I didn't go to? Actually asked if I have a date the last time I left our visit in a rush... The last show I went to of his, he insisted that I come several times and even put me on the guest list! Warming, warming!
I honestly think the mystery works even better if you are doing something that your S would really like too, or something that your S used to do for you, that now others have taken his/her place. Once recently I was out at a bar with a bunch of guys and a few girls too that are into martial arts and showing me moves(after my martial arts class). This was one of the nights that I told H I wasn't available to meet with him. I casually mentioned to H I loved these moves some of the guys showed me. H loves marital arts and likes to show me things. He actually said then- "did you tell them your HUSBAND showed you that!" The first time he used the word "husband" in 5 MONTHS!!
So, do people think I should pump up the mystery more maybe? I love the phone call ideas on this thread, lol!
Last edited by rj2; 03/01/0412:21 AM.
Master the self-fulfilling prophecy.. Act 'as if' it's going to happen and make it be!!
This is a great thread and this all worked for me.
I did most of this stuff, some times it used to give me a little chuckle. Once I was all dressed up to kill when H bought D back then I saw him out side the house waiting to see who was picking me up lolol, it was a taxi .
Someone said that the best way to create the "Mystery" is the get a life technique, this I think is tru, however its not always possibloe to be doing stuff all the time coinciding with when your S sees you, so there is no harm in adding a little more.
I have two teenage dughters from a previous M, so they new all about my Dbing and supported me all the way. I had some rules for them to keep, that was whenever H called they were to say shes out, when he said where? they were to say" I dunno" They always followed my rule and told me of his recations. At first there was not much reactoion, however, this started to change as time went on. He gradually started asking more questions, like what time did she go?? and stuff
When H used to call me on my mobile, I always sounded in a rush, once he called m in sainsburys I think the noise in the back ground got to him.
Another time when H asked if he could come round to do garden, (This was hard!!) I said " Yeah sure that would be great, I wont be here Ill be out most the day" Then I just went out visisting.
Another time he came round in the eveining and he kind of lingured in the end I said " sorry I gotta dash" then He said " Oh sorry, didn't realise you were going out" followed me out to my car, I litturally went for a half hour drive.
This might all seem like game playing. But it works!! what the heck!!.
If they are unsure in any way about what they are doing, this will get their attention.
I have begun to get some results. Just this past Friday, in fact. H was going out with coworkers, and I wasn't invited. (I always invite him out with my coworkers.) So, a friend of H who works with H invited me out instead. When I got there, there were several of H's coworkers there. My H was out with different coworkers at a neighboring bar. I met some nice people and one guy in particular, a nice married man that I hit it off with. Now, mind you, I have nothing untoward in mind, just looking for some friends to talk to.
When I got home, H was very interested that I had met so many people that he works with. He was interested that this guy seemed interested in me. H is not the jealous type, so any interest is more than I usually get. He brought up this other guy a few times. We had some things in common, so H wanted to know what this guy thought, like we were "soul mates" based on one meeting. LOL
He was definitely interested that I had had a good time. I am keeping my fingers crossed that some of these coworkers mention what a lovely wife he has today at work. he he he.
BTW all, I had a telephone session with Laurie last Monday. It was awesome. She is a great coach, if any of you are considering using one! She gave me the incentive to go out dancing with my H, which I did Saturday, and for the first time in 6 months, he held my hand!!! I posted the whole story in the Beginners forum, and on my thread in the Needing Support forum, if any of you are interested.
I just stumbled on to this thread....I'm thinking maybe I need to figure out some ways to "create mystery", but am kind of stumped....H and I still live togther, H is involved w/OW (all 3 of us work in same place), have S11....this past wk H misinterpreted a remark I made about conversation I'd had w/someone on this BB & next day made comment that I was "looking for a boyfriend on the internet"....so maybe I need to concentrate on adding mystery... I'm getting my hair cut short tomorrow, have gotten some new clothes, lost weight.... any ideas on what I could do while we are living together? I'm thinking I am not going to be home tonight when H & S get home from S's religious ed class (H sees OW there), just be a 1/2 hour or so later getting home; I need to not tell H so much about my schedule, etc., ....Any other ideas?
Yes, debcb, I would definitely be later than him. I have used this. It's hard as my H is home different times all the time. But, he always asks where I've been, and I usually respond with "I had some things to take care of."
It worked for me. Good luck. Just make sure you are being honest. Actually do something, or it will backfire on you. Others on this BB say it's because the H/W can see through the technique. I say it's karma. Don't lie, and you'll be fine.
how's about leaving the room to take call when he's around or whispering on the phone if he's around? That'll make him think "what's going on that she doesn't want me to know about.?" You don't even have to be talking to someone when you're wispering.
interesting comment about the karma....I swear I can tell when H has been sneaking/lying...I will go do something...don't know what...maybe just go by the library or video store, and tell him????I had some business to take care of????
Hmmmm....maybe the phone is a good way to go. I just remembered that a few weeks ago he actually asked "who were you trying to call?" when I was making a call...of course I'm sure I was dumb enough to tell him...gotta learn to keep my mouth shut... and now that I think of it, he brought me the phone w/a weird look on his face when a telemarketer called a few weeks ago, made the comment "well it seemed legit" I was thinking I don't even know any guys I could have call who arent relatives, but i could just whisper to a telemarketer that i need to call them back later! Ought to give them a cheap thrill, huh? i knew there was a good reason I never got around to being put on the no-call list. Maybe I need to think of a guy who's voice he wont recognize and have them leave a message to call them back....or is that too dishonest? hah, how ironic to be the worrying about dishonesty.
then I saw him out side the house waiting to see who was picking me up lolol, it was a taxi 