Forgetting those things which are behind......

[nitaf]

Were u 2 ever separated?

[mockers2]

Hi Nitaf,

Yes, from 2/03-10/03. The link above will get you to my previous thread, which has a link to my previous thread, etc.

[mockers2]

Trying to group some of the goals and uplifting parts of my old threads to see where I stand and also to try and refocus. I have been feeling a bit down lately, and am having more OP thoughts that I had been having. Also feeling a bit like H and I are falling into somewhat of a rut. Part of this is that H has seemed down more lately (he says it's not us, and I'm mostly beleiving this. Just want to stay vigilant, so that we stay on course. This will probably appear disorganized, but it's a start.

Two poems that I should probably be reading every day. They are written by Robin E. Long Copyright 1998 ~

Fear
I am FEAR. You know me well.
I approach you from behind when you walk in darkness.
I block your vision when you are seeking peace.
I claw my way into your thoughts.
I deceive you so that you believe God cannot help.
I encourage you to dwell on hopelessness.
I find you in your weakest moments and haunt you.
I grab you by the throat and choke out your life.
I hide under your every step and send you reeling.
I imprint myself on your willingness to serve and hold you captive.
I jump out from behind the bushes and tear your flesh.
I kidnap you and desert you in a blinding storm.
I leave you alone under a black cloud.
I magnify your isolation and make it unbearable.
I nurture your doubts and keep them in the forefront of your thoughts.
I occupy your time and make it useless to God.
I plant myself firmly between you and joy.
I quote your failures repeatedly so that you will not forget them.
I render you helpless when faced with difficult choices.
I seize your peaceful moments and ruin them.
I tear away at your confidence.
I undermine your testimony.
I violate your existence and make it miserable.
I wander into your peacefulness and destroy it.
I yearn to keep you in my complete control.
I zig-zag across your path and make it hazardous.
I am FEAR!


Faith

I am FAITH. You embrace me.
I acknowledge your need for forgiveness.
I boast about God's unfailing love.
I cast out your inadequacies and make them strengths.
I deafen your ears to the call of the enemy.
I endure all things and help you cling.
I fall fresh on you each day.
I guide your steps when you walk in fear.
I hold you up when no one else is around.
I influence your difficult choices.
I justify your soul before God.
I keep your mind focused on the truth.
I lead you to a place of quiet contentment.
I move you from despair to hope.
I nourish your hunger for peace.
I open your mind to see signs and wonders.
I pull you back when you stray away from God.
I quiet your troubled spirit.
I remind you that God is able to do more than you can imagine.
I soar with you on eagle's wings.
I teach you to trust the Word.
I uphold you when you are persecuted.
I vibrate the cords of your favorite chorus.
I wind my arms around you and give you joy in trials.
I yield your spirit to God's direction.
I zero out all of your despair.
I am FAITH!! Choose me above fear and walk in peace.


Goals:
*continue to work on baby steps for myself (exercizing, rollerblading - no, Lumpy I haven't broken anything yet, but I haven't gotten them yet - working on the house)
*continue praying several times a day
*continue to develop patience with the children
*act as if in my communication with H
*surprise H with some of the things I mail him (this has made him happy, so I'm going to keep this up)
*try to live in faith about our future, instead of worrying


Now for some goals:
-continue to give H time and space
-continue to let H initiate R talks, and to move through this at his own pace
-to stay steady emotionally, keeping expectations on the baby step level
-to continue to rebuild trust with H (believe what he tells me, give H the benefit of the doubt w/re. to his activities, whereabouts, etc.)
-continue my "no snooping" policy, ask nothing
-validate, listen, no interrupting, no trying to fix
-work on house (mosaic birdbath, continue Flylady program, plant one garden before H returns in October)
-work on me (exercise to tone what's left of me - it would be great if I could have a "six pack" by the time H gets back ; schedule to spend some time on my own while H is gone; develop hobbies and interests and work them into my life somehow - baby steps here too)
-branch out in activities with the children (more visits with friends; visit my sister after she has her baby in Aug.)
-contiually pray, pray, pray
-live in faith instead of fear (reduce obsessive thoughts and awfulizing, so they occupy less and less of my time and energy; use the stop sign and redirect my thoughts)
-act as if I believe my H loves me (one of the problems H has identified from the pre-bomb R - that I never believed how much he loved me)
-act as if the children and I are OK, and will be OK, regardless of what happens
-act upbeat on the phone
-stay busy
-come up with some surprises for H when he comes home - thinking of getting a henna tatoo


A couple of additional goals:
-maintain current weight, while toning up
-practice new recipies

Goals:
*exercise - maybe a new class or activity
*mosaic the birdbath - something I've been planning to do for a while - something H would like and notice
*get house in order
*more time w/friends

Goals (not very well organized):

1. Stay positive and upbeat. Act like his girlfriend (flirt, plan surprises, etc.). I will have to find a balance between the girlfriend role and the wife (with $ and discipline issues to discuss.)
2. Continue acting as if I am confident in our R and in H's love for me. (As I continue to act as if and we work to rebuild trust, I hope to really feel this more and more.) ****
3. Discuss issues calmly w/o showing anger.
****
4. Continue to let H lead this process. Initiate no R talks. No pressure for H to move home, go back to church, etc.
5. Listen, validate, and no interrupting.
6. No snooping (think I've mastered this - haven't done this at all in probably 9 months - even when H gave me more info on OP)
7. Find a release for the tremendous amount of anger I have. This is crucial. It is affecting everything - even my relationship with the children. This is breaking my heart. I also realize that if I don't get this out, it will come out, maybe directed at H, which would be bad.
8. No audible self-criticism. (This is the baby step, which I'm doing well on.) The next step will be to decrease the negative messages I send myself.
9. No sarcasm - good grief it is hard to cut this out
10. Be supportive of his time alone. ****
11. Get into shape (maybe I can combine this with #7 and really see some results )
12. create and maintain a balance between my independence and my closeness with H (I was very independent when H and I met - even refused to date him initially because I didn't want a boyfriend at the time. Where has that girl gone?)
13. Take care of myself ****
14. Take care of the children ****
15. Maintain my newly developed and still shaky confidence as a mother.
16. Stay close to God.
17. walk more and more in faith and less and less in fear. (I don't want to pass on fearfulness to our children.)
18. Pray, pray, pray every day.
19. Try not to beat myself up for not being stronger than I have through all this. Try not to dwell on my faults, but to take steps to correct things a little step at a time.
20. Make progress in the house. Maintain some sense of order.

Goals for us as a couple:
1. Go back to church as a family. (H questioning his beliefs at time of the bomb 1/03. We have not discussed this since probably 2/03. We have left our parrish - I can't manage the children on my own during mass, H stopped going b/c of questioning his beliefs, and one of the clergy there was less than supportive of our marriage when H went to talk to him. This is the source of alot of my anger.)
2. go to Retrovaille
3. date night - at least every two weeks. Every week when $ allows.

Solutions journal/What has worked: items marked by **** are things I have done which have helped based on my own observations and on what H has told me. These are also some of H's criticisms of our pre-bomb R.

Blessings:
1. Closer to God.
2. More confident with the children.
3. Less fearful. I have always feared being left - childhood issues/long story. Now that it has happened, and I'm still standing (only b/c God has held me up every step of the way), the idea is not quite so terrifying, although this is clearly still an issue.

This is some of them - a start anyway.

Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.

[kml]

come up with some surprises for H when he comes home - thinking of getting a henna tatoo

Bridget suggested a DBer's tatoo -
"Love, Patience, Lingerie"



Ellie

[holdingon]

Mockers,
Wonderful goals and YES they are very well organized. You need a dose of confidence... look what you have done! I'm going to borrow a few of them:

1. Stay positive and upbeat.

3. Discuss issues calmly w/o showing anger.
****
4. No pressure.

7. Find a release for the tremendous amount of anger I have.

11. Get into shape
12. Be independent! I was very independent when H and I met 13. Take care of myself ****
14. Take care of the children ****

16. Stay close to God.
17. walk more and more in faith and less and less in fear . (I don't want to pass on fearfulness to our children.)
18. Pray, pray, pray every day.
19. Try not to beat myself up for not being stronger than I have through all this. Try not to dwell on my faults, but to take steps to correct things a little step at a time.
20. Make progress in the house. Maintain some sense of order.

Thanks, Mockers. You are such and inspiration to me, and always have been. You ARE doing great.

[mockers2]

Thank you Ellie and Holdingon for posting.

That tatoo idea sounds great, Ellie. Now I just need to sneak away and have it done. Have a business trip coming up - maybe I can do it then! I am glad to read that your daughter is doing better. This is wonderful.

Thank you, Holdingon. I appreciate your encouragement very much. At times I hit a low point in this healing process and slip back into the negative thinking/fearfulness. More often than not, I have thought of you, your faithfulness and your joyful spirit, and that is one of the things that has kept me going. You are truly an example. Thank you for your kindness.



Still trying to gather up goals......
Goals have always been a help to me through this whole process, so I wanted to group mine from my old threads for a starting point to make a new list. When I have goals to focus on, I am less likely to let my mind wander into the darker areas. I believe that it is necessary to feel all the emotions associated with this trip, in order to heal. This takes time. I just can't let myself dwell in the low points, or let feeling the hurt and anger eat up my life.



Now I have the goal of really forgiving him. How to do this?
1. Each day, when I wake up, make the decision to forgive him and live as if he's forgiven. (Stop the scenarios in my head about how I've been hurt. Fantasies about confronting the OW, etc.)
2. Redirect my thoughts when the "how could he have done this to me" thoughts come up.
3. Live each day as a gift - because that's what they are - smile, laugh, see the joy in our everyday days.
4. Pray, pray, pray about the fears and my fearful nature in general - this is a decision too.


I have also noticed that I was much more joyful with the children at times during the S, than I often am now. I think some of this stems from me having very little time to myself - almost none, so I have to work on that.

Know that you and your families are in my thoughts and prayers.

[mockers2]

Noticing a pattern here, and feeling afraid. Any input any of your have is greatly appreciated.

First a good step in thr right direction...

H went out last night with a male friend. I tried something different, and didn't ask for him to call me, etc. Just smiled and said have fun.
He didn't call me until around midnight, so I was a little angry, but didn't show this to H. He apologized for not calling me, which is good.

When he told me of his plans to go out, I had that trigger response of panic, feeling all the fear, etc. from the months before the bomb. He could tell things were a little off, but there wasn't an argument or anything. After praying about this feeling, I realized (thank you, God) that I feel this fear because him going out - especially on a Wednesday night (he had Wednesday nights "off" in the months preceding the bomb, and I believe this is when he began his R with the op. ) I prayed for guidance again and felt that I should share this with H. I did and it went well. He listened, and seemed to understand, and again said how sorry he was for last year. I felt happy that we were able to handle this in a positive way.

This is the kicker - when I tried to call him last night, he didn't answer his phone. He isn't answering it again today (I was trying to be spontaneous and invite him for a romantic lunch .) This is also a trigger for me.

Possibilities:
1. He's trying to use it less, as the cell phone bills have been high.
2. He needs some space....again.....(although I rarely call him.)
3. He has just forgotten to keep his phone with him.
4. Something is going on.
5. This is part of his grieving process - his father died in Jan. H said last night that it is getting harder to deal with for the last few days.

Arguments against #4:
1. H told me about two weeks ago that he is very happy that we are married. That he was talking at work to someone, telling them how he feels he is the luckiest guy around, because I am a great wife. One of the things he likes best is that I am supportive of his dreams, and allow him time to himself.
2. He brought me a chai tea to work yesterday. (My very dark sinister side says he did it because he feels guilty.....My optimistic side says he loves me and was doing something nice for me. I feel like a freak.)
3. He ran into a coworker of mine while I was out of town on business, and she said he told her that he really missed me.

I just feel like I am stuck in my old patterns of fear. This is disappointing, because I thought I had made such progress. I have made some, just still have a long way to go.

I just don't want to live my life looking for the train that is about to hit me, when things are going well. You know that saying The light at the end of tunnel is a train....that's me.

I'm sure that the healing process is full of backslides and ups and downs, but this is a slippery, tricky, treacherous area for us.
First, because I don't want to be afraid. I want to believe that he won't hurt me again, but I know there are no guarantees of this.
And secondly because me doubting H's love for me was a huge issue for him with the bomb. So if these thoughts continue, I'll screw it all up.

I have felt all my life that I wanted someone to come to me, hug me and say that everything will be and is alright. I find my self wishing for this now. (all of this is related to abandonment issues from my own family.)


I truly am grateful for all the healing that has occurred. Just feeling stuck in this fear, and finding it difficult this time to claw my way out.

Thank you for listening. You remain in my thoughts and prayers.

[Nevanna]

I have felt all my life that I wanted someone to come to me, hug me and say that everything will be and is alright.

Have you told him this? Have you asked for just a hug and an assurance that everything will be okay?

[mockers2]

Nevanna -
No I haven't voiced this to H. Thought I would seem weak, needy and pathetic, which is how I have been feeling. Maybe I should look at this from other angles, though???? Thank you for your thought provoking question.

[Nevanna]

I've had trouble with this, too. With some experimentation, I have found that simply asking for a hug and some support isn't needy, it's just human.

I've worked at finding a balance between allowing myself to be vulnerable again in front of my H (now that he no longer runs from it) and just getting stuck in the mud of emotions. One thing I've found that helps seem less needy is that I tell my H I'll be fine, I just need a big hug. And then, even if I don't feel perfect, I "act as if" I am--sort of like retraining myself that a big hug can make me feel better. This actually seems to work...just pretty slow.