He's ashamed of himself, IMHO. And embarrassed that his friend at work came to him about it. Sounds like his friend may have meant it in a caring/concerned way, but H couldn't see that b/c of his confusion (nice word for it). Hold on, Jackie. This anger at you is misdirected. He is confused and lashing out at you. Can you arrange to be away from him for the next several days? At least to not be in the house with him for the whole night. Maybe get a sitter or take the kids out until near bedtime, just to give him time to get some of this out.
Right after the bomb, if I showed any sign of being angry, my H went nuts. Just so focused on himself, he felt I had no right to be angry about anything or say anything to him about what he was doing or to call him on anything. This is irrational behavior.
As hard as it will be, try not to take what he's saying to heart - all the nasty stuff about D, etc. He is like a toddler having a screaming tantrum. Let this blow over and hold on.
I will try send those emails today.
I'm not trying to come down too hard on your H. ((((((Jackie))))))
Thinking of you and saying prayers ~
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
Hey Jackie, Sorry things are so rough right now. I don't know what you can do if he's not willing to accept some responsibility here. It's classic stuff, he wants to blame you for everything. It must be frustrating because you're in a no win situation. I hope things get better, but in the meantime you have to try and keep on doing stuff for yourself and do your best not to let his moods get in the way of your feelings.
A dream it's true
But I'd see it through
If I could be
Wasting my time with you
-Band:Phish Song:Waste
Hi Jackie - Just a few more thoughts. It seemed that being confronted with the reality of what he was doing really angered my H. (An example - our oldest child began crawling out of her crib right before he moved out. So, we had to start dealing with putting her back into her big bed over and over and over. I said to my H, "I guess I'll just have to bump around by myself and figure this out." Not the best way to put it, but what I meant was that he wouldn't be there to help me b/c he was moving out. He was furious with me for saying that.) Again, showing him anger was justified, but didn't help the situation.
Don't beat yourself up for throwing the tape or for losing your temper. You are human and have been weathering this storm very well.
A friend of mine keeps saying to me that it makes my H uncomfortable to be confronted with what he's done - especially in the beginning. And that's why he held off telling people - b/c he knew on some level that it wasn't right, and didn't want ot hear that from anyone. Hearing that someone is surprised about what's going on, with the possibility that they may voice disagreement with his decisions kept my H silent for quite a while. The one friend he did confide in early on told him he thought he was making a mistake.
I agree with RJ - keep taking care of yourself and the boys. When you have to be around your H, try to think of him as an angry houseguest and as much as you can, depersonalize his behavior. This is not all about you at all - it seems to be mostly inside your H, but he's throwing it all at you.
Thinking of you. ((((Jackie)))))
Mockers2
"Somehow we survive, and tenderness frustrated does not wither." Dennis Brutus, South African poet
"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche
I know, it doesn't make sense, does it? But I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one who went through this type of weirdness. I have learned a lot from this weekend:
Anger (mine) will not get me anywhere. It will cause more problems. That doesn't mean I can't say what I think, but I can't say it through anger and hope that it will be understood.
Logic doesn't work. He is not thinking rationally. His embarassment and shame in himself is manifested as anger towards me.
As Rob say, it is a no-win situation and since I can't win, I need not try to please him. I need to do things that please me and the boys and do what I can to get through the day. I have to remember he is not rational, this isn't personal, I'm not that bad a person, he is just going through a really rough time.
Thanks for sharing your stories, it helps to know that this behavior is, though not normal, not uncommon either. And to know that I'm not completely lost it in thinking I'm the irresponsible one here! Fortunately, I do know how to spackle a wall.
Quote: As Rob say, it is a no-win situation and since I can't win, I need not try to please him. I need to do things that please me and the boys and do what I can to get through the day. I have to remember he is not rational, this isn't personal, I'm not that bad a person, he is just going through a really rough time.
That's the attitude, Jackie. Keep doing what is right. He'll eventually have to get it. My H used to say it was my fault or my problem. Just yesterday, the tune was 'don't blame yourself, it was my fault.' Nice change, even if it took time...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Don't mind Steve and I, we're just bitter because our Football teams are tanking and we have to project our "Confusion" somewhere. LOL
I think you should go to Walmart and buy a 16 inch iron fry pan. If H angers you, you can heave it at him. With this fry pan you have a few options.........
First off, by the time you can lift up the pan and throw it, it'll be enough time to calm down.
If he's still there and making you mad, throw the fry pan at him. No worries of him escalating the argument, he'll be DEAD from the 20lbs (Pound LOL) fry pan.
And if you miss altogether, well all the spackle in the world is not going to help patch up the hole in the wall. Might have to find a carpenter. Hey, are you into Blue Collar guys Jackie? Maybe a good way to meet men? LOL
All joking aside, you are so grounded and your H is going through the mental anguish of leaving the family. I too couldn't believe that my S was the one hurting, I never thought of it that way. I was stuck on what I was going through, part of my problem in the M. Easy to fix though. I kinda think of it this way, only the scared runaway, like animals. It's the ones that stick around that scare the poop out of me.
Berto
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts,that laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death
Jackie..sorry about the weekend...he really is confused..and since you are there he can blame you...I can't give much advice about all this..as I did not deal with any anger like that...keep taking care of you...come here to vent...you have a right to be angry..sad..to cry...but come here for support so it does not pull you down so far that you can't get back up...When all this started with me alst year, I kept telling myself I was not going to slip into a basket case.......sure there are bad days....but keeping a grip is important..you said you go to bible group...do you have a pastor that you could just talk to..and you know what I don't think you have to account to your h who you choose to tell.....just remember when you tell someone they may twist it if they repeat it...you learn who your "real" friends are in sitchs like this.I don't think you should go into any details as to the whys of the problems..the last thing you want to do is to paint your h as the bad guy...yea he is acting like a jerk....but keep those things between just you two..I learned the hard way about what and to whom you tell.
