Good info Sunflyer. I don't have a science background so I've been consuming info from the experts that's teed up to be understandable for the layman. Combine that with my own experimentation (first I drank less often but still in larger quantities, then less often in smaller quantities, now not at all) and I can say I'm a believer that it wasn't good for me. Just another 180 in a growing list of them.
I had the conversation. W came home from work and the house was empty as kids were at my parents already. We said hi to each other, then she told me she was heading out to hang with her brother. I asked her to sit so we could speak for a while, and she bristled and rolled her eyes: "oh come on, what?". This is the exact reaction I was expecting, and I didn't respond. She opted to stay standing and said "What is it?"
"W, we've have been disconnected for a long time and it doesn't work for me. I am going to file and proceed with the divorce."
She was equal parts annoyed and angry, but mostly annoyed. She came back with all the normal responses she has used before: people go through rough patches, I won't do that to the kids, you're just being selfish and trying to control me, you're rushing me, all you care about is whether we're having sex or not, etc.
I did my best to validate and agree where I could. I kept the focus on the facts, that our relationship was very disconnected and had been for many years. That the drinking and wild behavior was not okay with me, that I won't accept that for myself. One of my goals was not to allow this to turn into an argument, and so there was no arguing from me when she tried to start one. I didn't want to rehash things we've talked about ad nauseum, this was not the time for that.
Only once did I mention the affair. She said I was overreacting to a basic rough patch and I said "W, there was an affair and I was lied to for many years about it. This has damaged the trust in our relationship, and there has been no effort to repair that trust."
Think you handled it well. Short, direct and to the point. Not sure what you tried to validate or why? My guess is 5 years later your only regret is you didn’t do it sooner. Continue to post.
After the conversation with W last night I felt calm. I wasn't sure what I was expecting but I wasn't sad, angry, upset or any of that. I went to a local spearfishing store and bought some gear that I'll need for the upcoming season and chatted with a bunch of guys in the shop. I spoke on the phone to my brother and watched a movie then turned in.
W came home drunk at midnight, woke me up and went through the usual routine. Told me I am overreacting, that I need to focus on making friends with her friends again (those who knew but kept the secret) and that the affair was no big deal. Nothing new, though my concern is she doesn't appreciate what needs to happen here.
Well done sticking to the facts and not getting pulled into an emotional argument.
W is certainly mired in an unhealthy routine. She keeps at the same points. More talking herself into and maintaining her belief in, rather than trying to sway you methinks. Her waking you up to listen to her midnight reasonings, is really for her.
Spearfishing. That is so cool!
Have an awesome day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hey M. I just wanted to pop up and say well done. Well thought out and executed. As DnJ says, she still has to tell herself the things she is saying to justify her behavior. Further proof of the oft said line that we (often) didn't break our spouses and, therefore, we can't fix'em. She hasn't hit bottom yet and it may be best for you and your kids to not be there if/when she does in this case.
Please do keep posting so that we know how you are doing. Glad to hear you continue to excel at GALing. I hope you remain at peace. Your actions help motivate me (perhaps others to) to keep at DBing. All the best, P
Yesterday W asked to talk, and we had a civil discussion about the process and what happens next. She is not prepared and acknowledged that her "head is spinning" about all of this. I told her I would be patient and hold off on the filing until she and I had an agreement on assets, custody, and support all worked out. I asked that she consider my proposal and let me know by the end of the week what her comments are.
She pushed back on 50/50 custody, which is a non-negotiable for me. Her reason was that she does not want the kids to be with my mom or a caretaker during my custody if I am occupied with work. I told her I am happy to be flexible once the agreement is done, but the legal document will say 50/50. All sorts of excuses came out about how I can't handle the kids, which I didn't even acknowledge. She also does not want to go back to work full time and thinks I would make her do so in order to pay less spousal support. In my state my obligation would go down regardless of whether or not she got a job, but I didn't bother telling her that. Lots of learning and processing for her to do.
I made great efforts to keep this conversation all business but at one point her drinking came up. I told her directly that I think she has a problem with alcohol, which she denied. She then defended herself by saying that "maybe I drink because of you", which I was expecting. Much of her narrative has been that her drinking, the affair, and all the girls gone wild behavior is because of me. Between the DB book, website, and countless other sources of material I've consumed, it's remarkable how predictable certain responses are. It's too bad that only when faced with D is she willing to open up even slightly with comments like this.
My W is a deeply avoidant person and I know she feels shame over the affair. I read elsewhere that when people feel shame they cover it with either grandiosity or worthlessness and she has certainly done both. This is where a lot of her drunken bravado comes in: "I could get any guy I want, men hit on me all the time, I could do much better than you" etc.
Lots of rain here so I took the kids bowling yesterday, which was a blast. I'm at 15 days without a drop of alcohol and continue to be amazed at how helpful it is for emotional regulation. Just ordered an Oura ring online so I can keep closer track of stress, sleep, etc during the upcoming tumultuous months.
I'm doing alright but taking it a day at a time. W's family is wealthy and we are in discussions about her family buying me out of the house so that she can keep it and live here with the kids. Given all that's happened this is very difficult for me to accept: financially I built what we have from zero, and to walk away from it after what she did makes me angry at times. And I worry how the kids will interpret this: Dad moves out, so Dad must have done something wrong. One day at at time.
I'm doing alright but taking it a day at a time. W's family is wealthy and we are in discussions about her family buying me out of the house so that she can keep it and live here with the kids. Given all that's happened this is very difficult for me to accept: financially I built what we have from zero, and to walk away from it after what she did makes me angry at times. And I worry how the kids will interpret this: Dad moves out, so Dad must have done something wrong. One day at at time.
M: I think you're doing great.
I have similar feelings about leaving my house. We wouldn't have it if it weren't for me, that's a fact. I saved my pennies in graduate school, stashing away as much of my stipends as I could, and had enough for a 20% down payment. (We got married when I was in my final year of graduate school).
But the reality is: I don't have the money to buy her out. I don't want to take another loan at this point in my life (mortgage is paid off). And a house always means expensive repairs, particularly when it's old as ours is. (We've renovated practically everything except the basement which needs a complete redo, which will be somewhere in five figures at minimum).
There were a lot of good memories in that house, and I'm sure you feel the same way about yours. But sometimes walking away is for the best. Keep moving forward.
SF
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
I agree. This stuff is not easy, and you are doing what is needed.
Hopefully your W finds the help she needs. Most likely too late to help save the M, but you have to maintain and enforce your boundaries, with her and everyone else.
Keep up the personal growth. It is a never ending journey.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
