If you know she has OM, do not let her have her cake and eat it too. That is her total MO with you.
She deserves no part of you in any form so long as she has an OM in the picture, and you giving her any part of yourself now is getting in the way of her missing and valuing you.
Taking you out to a meal? Oh, hell no.
Listen, ex-W, I'm moving forward with my life. Please don't call me anymore unless it's an emergency related to the kids. Thanks, hope you're doing well.
Then don't answer any of her calls. If she is interested in finding a way to reconcile, she will find a way to communicate it to you. I cannot count how many of my W's calls/msgs I did not answer or return before we reconciled (hundreds, there would be multiple calls and hang ups and texts on many days). The first time I called her back was when she said she left a msg saying she wanted to meet up and talk about trying again. That was after multiple months of no no answered or returned calls. As far as she was concerned, I was on her hook, her Plan B, waiting in the wings until that happened.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
My impulse (I am not being led by my impulses and whipped around by me emotions however) is to email her back in 24-48 saying, “please email me your proposal and I will look it over.”
At the same time, I have had some good advice from L to attempt to negotiate fairly in good faith with W an agreement and hopefully avoid an escalated expensive court battle.
I can see benefits to mediation and at the same time I am reasonably confident that I can ask W what things are important to her and I can express my values.
“please email me your proposal and I will look it over.”
That was my thought as well.
Touch base with L and see if they recommend mediation or not. Personally, I’d start without mediation. Really no custody issues, so it’s just assets, and joint education (and some other) expense for the kids. (My locale that is until 25).
When negotiating (when you can) let W speak first and often. You might be surprised what she places value upon.
You know your worst case, best case, and likely case. An offer that is fair, or even more in your favour, might occur right out of the gate if W is eager or feeling a lot of shame/guilt.
I’ll say it again, always craft and run proposal, and revisions, through your lawyer. As even-keeled as one is, the L is more. They are removed from matters, and experts in the field. It’s what you’re paying them for. Besides, the agreement is going to end up going through your L anyhow, might as well have their guidance and legal language as you go.
Treat this as a business deal gone sideways.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
“ thank you for this invitation. I am confident we can work out a fair and cooperative agreement and I understand that we both want what’s best for our family.
Please email me what you propose and I will look it over.
Please email me what you propose and I will have my lawyer look at it
Rock
This is all you need to send. The rest is not necessary and honestly stuff you can't guarantee. Divorces are often NOT fair nor are the really what's best for the family.. rather the individual.
Remember... this is business deal. Nothing more.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
