So another returning member. Hello again. BD about a year ago. W43 stated last year not in love anymore and may never have been. Said I was a great guy that most woman would love to have but she just could not be happy with me anymore. Cannot stand that I put her first in everything. W diagnosed with BPD and apparently seeks out chaos in her life whenever things are too stable. Tried counseling and she couldn't be honest with counselor about her problems. W has been hooked on pain killers for the last 2 years off and on. Tried confronting her multiple times but she just got better at hiding it.
Married 6 years. We have six kids, all boys (5 hers and 1 mine) ages 20, 18, 17, 15, 12, and 10. A few months ago W started a PA after having a hard time with extreme anxiety. Said she couldn't get over the stress of trying to be a wife to someone she didn't feel passionate about anymore and stopped coming home on days the kids weren't here. Finally I drew back and started DB, focusing on self and trying to worry about me and kids. Shes mostly ignored me but would start long conversations via text now and then about how she knows she's messed up and how she should fix things instead of continuing to hurt everyone in the family but just can't seem to face it. Told her best friends she knew she needed to come home but the anxiety caused her to retreat more into meds to feel better.
Got a call two weeks ago today from ER that W had taken too many pain meds again. Left work and rushed over thinking of how I was going to have to lay down the law and draw a line to get her help. Can't make a difference now. W overdosed on Oxy and she died the weekend after Thanksgiving. She passed at OM's home. OM tells me how she talked about me all the time as too good, which I had to hear about from him while picking up her things and her car that was still there. Now I'm just trapped with the grief of the affair and the loss.
We tend to say that focusing on yourself is about your mental health, not theirs. You can't fix the other person or change their perspective. The only thing you can control is you. Be healthier and be more comfortable with who you are. I know the process is still the same. But its a bitter pill to swallow now and no possibility of a better outcome down the road.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
Oh my goodness Bunches. What a tragic and heartbreaking turn. My deepest condolences. You and the boys have a most difficult reality to grieve and find acceptance with. (((Hugs)))
All my prayers.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm so sorry you and your boys are going through this grief upon grief. The ultimate bitter pill. All my condolences. May you all find comfort and peace together.
How are you focusing on yourself and your mental health? And helping the boys with theirs?
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Having to work through the sale of our home but I'm drawing back from work for now. It always took up so much of my time but for now I'd like to be a little more selfish with my time. I'm looking at community college for some growth. I've joined a mens group at our church. Plans to do some activities with our boys through the holidays. I'm also planning for a pilgrimage in April to step away and get myself right at heart. A lot of grief to process and feelings to resolve.
As for helping the boys I'm limited. Her boys had to immediately move to their fathers home so I can only see them sometimes. The youngest ones have been here a couple times and they have fun for the most part but when it gets quite they get sad. All you can do is be there for them and let them cry. Our older boys are struggling in different ways. They had discovered their moms issues with meds and knew she was spending time with other men. We talk about it but they struggle with what to do with their feelings now. They spent the last couple months confronting their mom over her choices and weren't in a good place with her when she died. It's all just so messed up. It's going to be a work in progress for some time.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
Bunches - I can't imagine how hard this is for you and your boys. I'll keep you all in my thoughts. I hope you and your family find peace. With deepest sympathy and prayers, MrP
I'm new here, but just wanted to say that I'm so sorry for your loss and what you are going through. I hope you find to strength to stay strong for your family. We are here for you!
Nothing can be said that makes sense right now. Just know that I hear you and understand you and where you are.
This is your path of grief to walk, and as I have found, there are no rules anymore.
Nothing is the same, nothing feels the same, and you will, most likely, never be the same again.
I had never kept a thread here for various reasons. and although I was a regular poster here for several years, I often fall back, and ebb and flow through here.
I did start a thread here last year, two of them actually (in the Surviving the Big D archives now if you wanna read them) after experiencing a great loss in my life.
As I stated in those threads...
I've deeply loved two Women in my life. I lost one through divorce, and the other to Cancer last year.
I have been through this from both sides, so when I say that I hear you....I do
When I say that I understand......I do
In reading your threads (old and new) , we might have a little of that in common...
For now though....
As hard as it is, try to get some sleep. Try to get some rest...
And as bleak as it feels right now, you will get through this...
One day at a time
One hour at a time
One minute at a time
One second at a time...
If it helps (and it did for me), tell me about her ??
Somehow, talking about her, kept her alive in my mind.
What I ultimately am learning, is that there is no right or wrong way through this...just as long as I keep moving forward.
Some days, especially in the beginning....
It was all I could do to get out of bed and make it to the couch.
