Reading your posts takes me back four years. I so remember being where you are. It was the absolute worst pain I had ever felt… and the most anxious I had ever been. D is right…it was more about grieving the future I thought we would have than it was about grieving the loss of him. The person who cheated on me repeatedly and lied to my face for years while pretending to be my committed husband is, objectively, not someone anyone should miss. My head, like yours, knew that the entire time but my heart took some time to catch up.
I think it is a good idea to see your doctor Stella. I have always been a really strong person and I’m also a therapist so I know all about how to work through issues. Very difficult to do, however, in the beginning, when the trauma of this situation messes with your chemical make-up the most, it’s almost impossible. I was soooo anxious which is completely normal when one’s life as they know it gets ripped away in moment. I reluctantly went to my doctor and she prescribed an anti-anxiety/anti-depression medication that I think really helped to stabilize my emotions a bit so I was able to get through it.
One of the things that helped me is I wrote out a bunch of quotes on sticky notes and put them on my mirror so I could read them each morning. I’ll share a couple of my favourites with you…
“It is truly a frightening thing to face, see, and embrace the unknown, but you can do this. All it takes is opening your mind and heart to the vast, and endless possibilities of what you can become within yourself.”
“He REPRESENTS stability, validation, and a resumption of your ability to have control over your future. That is really what you want. You want what he represents to you based on where you are right now. Step back and realize he is NOT those things.”
“It is much easier to act your way into thinking differently, than it is to think your way into acting differently.” [This is a quote I read to get me up and moving instead of curling up into a ball and staying home.]
“Boundaries are the first line of defence to preserve your self respect.”
Keep posting Stella. It will help you get through this. (((HUGS)))
Oh yeah… KML’s suggestion to change your H’s name on your cell phone is a good one. I did that too because seeing his name would trigger me. I didn’t pick a derogatory name though because I felt like it would keep me angry. I started with “No One Important” and then it became “Nobody”. After the divorce, I changed it to “Kids’ Dad” which is an accurate description of who he is to me now…. nothing less, nothing more.
Stella, I have good news and bad news. The good news: nothing else will ever come close to hurting as much as this. The bad news: this is going to take a while. It's a process. Once you get through this (and you WILL), you will not believe how much stronger you will be, and how much confidence you will have in yourself and your own abilities.
I know none of this is much of a comfort now. LH isn't wrong about blocking your stbx. I couldn't do it, but I did eventually get really good at not answering and letting him go to voicemail. That way I could gird my loins, so to speak, before listening to his messages.
Stella, I strongly suggest you take this time to try to figure out some things about YOU. What are your core values? Easy question? Well, dive deeper. Really think about what makes you YOU. What are the qualities you most admire in others. Which of those qualities do you embody? What is most important to you? Really important to do this exercise. I know when you're feeling so full of grief it's hard to focus on anything else, but spend even 5 minutes a day just focusing on YOU and what YOU want and what your core values are will help you.
Once I really understood my core values I could see so clearly how I wanted to proceed with my life, and most especially with the divorce negotiations. I used my core values as my yardstick for my behavior and responses to exh. Did I do it perfectly? Most assuredly NOT, but I had a standard to shoot for. From there it was a lot easier to figure out what I wanted, what was important to ME. If my husband followed along, great. If not, at least I was closer to a life that had meaning to ME.
I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time right now. It won't always be like this, but since it is like this right now, be very gentle with yourself. xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
First is the Buddhist concept - all suffering comes from desire. Once you let go of wanting what you can't have right now, the better you'll feel.
The second: "Let go or be dragged". Once I ACCEPTED what was happening, I stopped suffering. I was able to look forward to the new life I was creating for myself, explore ways to change and improve myself, etc etc.
None of this is to say that he won't come back at some point - he may. But clinging to that hope right now just hurts you. Create a wonderful new life for yourself, and if he's destined to come back, he will find you in that great new life. And you can decide then whether you want him back or not.
The crucible of this change will make you stronger, and enable you to change in wonderful ways if you let it. It made me fearless - after all, the worst had happened, the thing I had fought against and feared for so long. And I survived it. By comparison, nothing else was scary. Learn to play the drums and other percussion in my 50's, and get up and perform in front of several thousand people? No problem! Have a new boyfriend break up with me? Small potatoes! Really, I feel like almost nothing can hurt me after that.
Hi Stella, I haven't posted on the boards here in a very long time and I am shocked that I can actually get in to post. I long ago thought my password or account had been dropped. I have tried off and on over the years to log in but never could. Tonight for some reason I tried a password version and it worked! I am so glad it did.
You have been getting great advice from people who have been around the block. I have a few things to add. First of all, I understand how awful it is. You would not wish the pain on your worst enemy. The depression, the sadness, being barely able to function... wanting to reach out and knowing it won't help... So hang in there. It will get better. It may take a long time I am sorry to say. So you really need to take care of yourself in every single way you can.
I haven't seen anyone yet recommend the book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. I found it very helpful. I do think it was from that book that I learned there is a physiological connection between spouses that is broken when one leaves the other in addition to the emotional connection. This is part of why we want to reach out and reclaim that connection.
Only it's not possible because your husband is not thinking like you. He is not at all on the same wavelength. You could talk to him all day and he will never come back to the same planet. He is in a different universe.
What my mother told me was "you have to face it". So I did. I hope this might help you--Oh one more thing! The post it notes around my house, on mirrors, on the fridge, anywhere I could put them said Trust Yourself. Simple. Meaningful. True.
Thank you everyone, for all of your advice and for hanging in here with me. Makes me feel less alone to have found such a group of great caring people who have been through this, are still in it, and to listen to me, talk me through this and understand this whole circus...really thank you!!
H texted this morning, I did not respond.
The Doctor perscribe something to take daily, and my counslor today said that should help some. I felt so, I don't know, angry, embarassed being at the doctor. Not sure why, but I felt the same way when I went to my first counsling session back in July. Mad because I am in this place because of H.
Yes, it is the anxitey, and incredible sadness, lossing the future that was planned with H, blowing up a life that was good, wasting everything we worked to build together. The lose...of what was suspose to be a lifetime together. The promises made and now broken. The life that was so intertwined. The pain that he has put me in, while he goes out and lives this fantasy life with no concern of how he has hurt me. Sure he says I'm sorry, but there is no compasion in it.
Counslor talked alot today about alcoholics, recommended a intervention...Ha..that ain't gonna happen. Can you imagine... Talked about going to more Alanon meetings, there is one at a church near by I guess I will try that one next. Talked about my seperation anxitey too, practice mindfulness. I brought up MLC with him, but he was more focused on H's drinking and having to hit rock bottom. He isn't gonna give up drinking.. Whats the saying..man takes a drink, the drink takes a drink, the drink takes the man.. plus add MLC.. he's gone...drinking is his only true love....
Yes, I like the posts it, I just ordered a cork board to hang in my office. I have been taping stuff to the wall, but my cat, Archie, is obsessed with tape and keeps riping everything down...goofy cat. My fur babies and this thread have really been saving me. I swear the cats know when I need some love from them.
I also started journeling again today, that helped in the past. Might head up to my brothers place this Saturday, they live on a lake about 30 minutes away. Ice fishing and a cook out, not the beach I'd like to be at, but I have to get out of this house.
One day at a time for now, right..Let go or get dragged. I have been getting dragged..its my own doing..talking to him, reading into his words, trying to keep the connection. Just torturing myself.
Ahhh yes… the “sorry” word. One word that is supposed to fix it or excuse it somehow. I remember being so incredulous when XH tried to use it with me and for the longest time I didn’t let him. Sorry is what you say when you accidentally bump into someone and spill their coffee…or you get into a disagreement with someone and say something you don’t mean. Sorry can suffice in those situations. But saying sorry when you lie to your spouse daily for months (in my case years) and break every promise you ever made to them? I told XH it was like taking a knife, purposely stabbing me directly in the heart and then saying, “oops…my bad.” It’s a hollow, meaningless word in this situation.
Glad your doctor prescribed you something Stella. I ended up taking my medication for about four months before I weaned myself off of it. It obviously didn’t change any circumstances for me but it definitely helped even out my emotions a bit so that I could function and begin to work on detachment. And when it finally came, it was such a relief. You will get there too Stella. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now. I wish I could give you a magic formula to skip ahead a few steps but I can’t. Unfortunately the only way to get past the pain is to go through it. (((HUGS)))
I have been getting dragged..its my own doing..talking to him, reading into his words, trying to keep the connection. Just torturing myself.
We all start out that way. It’s normal.
Let go with understanding and compassion. Let the feelings surrounding the connection fade. Let go without demonizing H. In my view, that’s the shortest path through the suffering to get to where you are wanting to be.
Yes, people in crisis need to hit rock bottom before they will change. Mix drinking and MLC, and it’s a deep hole to fall into.
The LBS hits their own rock bottom as well. Thing is, rock bottom is where and when a person decides it is. Most hurt LBS can and do decide they’ve fallen enough. Choose, and continue to be, better not bitter when you climb back out.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I brought up MLC with him, but he was more focused on H's drinking and having to hit rock bottom.
I am very interested on why you think it's MLC? The beauty is that if it's MLC or not MLC the way you handle it is the same.
Stella my exw's brother was/is an alcoholic. Spent time in jail for 3 dui's. If you were to meet him you would think he was a great guy. 95% of people on this planet could get 1 dui. To get 4 means you make really bad decisions and just don't give a flip. My ex BIL wasn't a horrible guy, he just made many bad decisions in life and only cared about himself. Those types of people live chaotic lives and never are content with a sense of normality. To have peace in your life you are going to have to let him go. If 4 duis are not rock bottom I hate to fathom what his rock bottom might be.
