@traveler. I've been trying to have a good relationship with her for 20 years . I've invited her and OM (now husband) to my house, to the summer pool where our boys swim, to scout camping trips, etc. They've never come, not once, in 7 years. I bend over backwards to be friends with them...doesn't work, at at some point, pride kicks in. I'm not going to beg someone to be friendly.
That makes sense. If there's no obvious issue, e.g. the custody schedule, it sounds like you've done what's reasonably within your power to repair the relationship. Some people are just contrary.
Originally Posted by mvg
The issue though, as I said, is she is very much still in a family while I am not.
I'm going to say something to you I wish someone told me years ago. You ARE in a family. YOUR FAMILY consists of YOU and YOUR KIDS. Once upon a time, you may have had a fantasy that your family would be 4 loving grandparents, 2 loving parents, your wife, your 2.5 kids, and Lassie. Your family looks different. It's still a family. If you need other examples of non-nuclear families, watch Guardians of the Galaxy or The Eternals or Cruella or Encanto. Some of these are even good movies, and movies your kids may enjoy. Warning - The Eternals drags a bit, especially for younger kids.
Is it your life situation sinking your relationships, or your desire for your partner to fill that nuclear family HOLE in your soul? In the past, I put pressure on my partners to fill that role. It's taken a long time to appreciate that what I have is complete and special, and to appreciate the people I date for what unique things they happen to add to my life. Because if my life is complete solo, anything they do happen to add is a boost beyond what I had before. (:
Great point, CW! This is spot on. A family unit doesn't always look like the romantic image of mom, dad, 2.2 kids, a house, a dog, and a picket fence, but that doesn't make the reality any less a family.
As far as doing things with ex spouses, I have attended family gatherings with mine, but he moved far away so I don't see him regularly. I can be friendly when we are face to face, but I wouldn't seek him out. Having said all that, our children were adults when we split, so co-parenting has never been an issue. My parents divorced when I was 25 and have a VERY amicable relationship, still to this day, spending holidays together with us as a family and being there for each other. That is what my XH wanted, but as I pointed out to him, I'm not nearly the woman my mother is and he's absolutely not even close to being the man my daddy is, so not happening.
You mentioned being an adjunct. Maybe you could find a college kid who would be willing to help out with kids or light housework or whatever for a little extra money. College kids on my campus are always trying to pick up extra money.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
@LH19, no no, that is never going to happen, I gave up on that years ago. She married OM immediately after our divorce, moved towns over, had a new baby, the whole deal, and doesn't want anything to do with me at all, and the boys during the week. She has NPD and has dealt with it for many many years.
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
@dawn70. I know that my boys and I are a real family, I don't doubt it at all and neither do they. S8 had to draw a pic of his family for school back in September when they went back in person. On the right side of the paper, he drew himself, me and S11 holding hands. The middle of the page had a thick black line drawn down the middle. On the left side of the page, he drew his mom, step dad, and his step siblings. That hit really hard and was an extra bolt of caffeine to keep me going during this marathon of single parenting. With that said, I'm tired. I would love so much to share this with someone for 101 different reasons. The point of this whole thread is that for single, primary parents with walk away exes, that seems nearly impossible.
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
Ok so if I understand you now, you would like to see maybe something progress with your GF but think that because of your family dynamics it's not possible.
@dawn70. I know that my boys and I are a real family, I don't doubt it at all and neither do they. S8 had to draw a pic of his family for school back in September when they went back in person. On the right side of the paper, he drew himself, me and S11 holding hands. The middle of the page had a thick black line drawn down the middle. On the left side of the page, he drew his mom, step dad, and his step siblings. That hit really hard and was an extra bolt of caffeine to keep me going during this marathon of single parenting. With that said, I'm tired. I would love so much to share this with someone for 101 different reasons. The point of this whole thread is that for single, primary parents with walk away exes, that seems nearly impossible.
I know you "get it". I was really just agreeing with CW. I feel for single parents in your position. I never had to deal with that since my daughters were adults so I really can't speak to how difficult or lonely it is. I hope that you someday (soon) find that special person to help you through it all. Meanwhile, great job being a strong male role model for your sons. They will be mightily influenced by it as they get older.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Yep. And I'm not sure that unique to my situation. In the meantime, single parenting, after 7 1/2 years, is really becoming challenging and lonely. That's my story.
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
Yep. And I'm not sure that unique to my situation. In the meantime, single parenting, after 7 1/2 years, is really becoming challenging and lonely. That's my story.
No not unique maybe just the length due to your one child being one. I just ended a relationship with someone who wanted to know where this was going. She had a boy 15 and a boy 10. I thought to myself there is no way in he double hockey sticks I was moving 2 boys who she had 90% custody of in with me while my daughter is in high school.
I have only been at it for 3.5 years and honestly I love parenting by myself.
(((MVG))) Sorry that your XW isn't pulling her weight. I admire your attempts at involving her more but am not surprised you've had no success. Her moving one town away is a clear message she only wants to be as involved as her conscience dictates she should. That is really sad for your boys and sounds like they are with the right parent. People with NPD do not make great parents as sooner or later, they are called upon to sacrifice their needs for their kids and this is something they aren't willing to do.
My sitch is similar to yours in that my XH was secretly living with OW while we were married and became engaged to her before he even admitted to me she was his gf and not a "roommate" that he barely knew and only moved in with post-separation because he couldn't find anything else [insert eye roll emoji here]. They got married last summer. I think it is unlikely we will ever be one big happy family celebrating events together. It would be one thing if he and I had divorced for a different reason and he had met her afterwards but given how things happened, that's not a road I can see myself going down anytime soon, if ever. The good news is that my XH is way more interested in being an involved parent than he was when we were married so we have been able to establish a very amicable co-parenting relationship. I still don't trust him completely but my kids are doing well in both homes so I have no concerns.
Amicable co-parenting aside, I totally get the loneliness aspect. I am lucky in that I have a lot of support from my sister and her husband but it is not the same as having a partner. TBH, I'm not really missing a partner in terms of sharing childcare responsibilities but definitely when it comes to intimacy and having someone to spend time with when the kids are at their dad's. I've done a lot of OLD. Still looking for someone who makes my heart skip a beat AND who has their sh*t together and can fit into my life. It's proven to be a lot more challenging than I ever would have anticipated BUT I still have hope it will happen one day. You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince.
Anyway...take heart...your kids are not going to need you to the same extent indefinitely. My kids are 14 now and are at an age where they can help with household chores and entertain themselves a lot more. I am still very involved in their day-to-day but not nearly to the extent that I was. Your youngest is 8 now? I'd say you have about three or four more years and then the pressure will start to ease significantly. You're only 43 which is really not THAT old. I was 50 when my BD happened and my kids were 10. You have lots of time to find the partner you are looking for...if it's not the person you are with currently. Speaking of her sitch...the one big happy family situation wit her ex is also time limited. Once their kids hit their teens, they aren't going to be so interested in spending time with their parents and will be more focused on their friends.
Hang in there MVG... you've got this. You're already more than half way there. (((HUGS)))
. I've invited her and OM (now husband) to my house, to the summer pool where our boys swim, to scout camping trips, etc. They've never come, not once, in 7 years. I bend over backwards to be friends with them...doesn't work, at at some point, pride kicks in. I'm not going to beg someone to be friendly.