lol Blu Thanks for all the input, I'm sure the bruises will heal at some stage You are all only saying things I've said myself to my IC and my friends, it's not like I don't know this stuff. But knowing and acting are different beasts. LL you're right about the conflict avoidance, I was increasingly like that over the course of my M. I just felt it made life easier to give in to H, to tipetoe round his bad tempers and avoid him. It wasn't healthy but I didn't know how to do anything different, so it got worse and worse over the years.
You all believe he's having an A or As, I know that statistically it's likely and that I should probably assume he is unless I have proof otherwise, but I don't have any proof. When he left he said he wanted to be a better person (which is far less annoying than the 'I just want to be haaaaaaapy' teenage stuff he's said other times) Right now I'm thinking his A is with his job, because it feeds his ego and meets plenty of his needs. But it's also slowly killing him, along with his wine addiction. He used to say that he had to retire early before his job killed him, I didn't realise at the time how true that was. Anyway, yesterday he said he had the whole week off this week but hadn't decided where to go away yet. This is the kind of thing I would do, and is a 180 on his 'we have to book a holiday now for 6 months time because I need something to look forward to' approach. Strange times indeed. I've never seen anyone in such need of time off work, so I hope he can relax because he looked utterly exhausted yesterday. Sometimes I wonder if he's suffering burnout as much as an MLC. I feel sorry for him, but I can't fix him, just take care of myself and the kids.
And to play devil's advocate, his offer to book a holiday for us I think was controlling but I also think it was intended to be kind, because I find booking holidays overwhelming and I've also been struggling to come up with ideas which will suit me and the kids will agree to. My indecisiveness and procrastination in this area was a source of frustration for both of us, so I won't wait long to decide. And although it seems ridiculous for him to offer to come for a weekend, that might be a response to ds2 asking for him to come, but H can't deal with longer than a weekend. His tolerance for family time is really low. He took the kids away by himself about a month after BD last year for a long weekend and I think it was fairly disastrous, the kids complained and H was in a state of depression, he's horrible to travel with so everyone had that anxiety to deal with and nobody has expressed any desire to repeat the experience. Him coming home yesterday wasn't cake eating but him taking ds2 to an activity which I couldn't do because of my work thing. Ds2 is the trickiest of the teens for H to bond with so I was happy that they spent time together.
Anyway, back to the important thing: me. I have 2 evening things I have to take ds2 to, a midweek race I'm looking forward to, several runs with friends and a LOT of work to do. I'd better get on with it. I'm feeling positive about life, my embarrassing meltdown last week I'm using as fuel to be a better, more stable person.
OK, so he said he was going to go away, book a last minute flight or something and I asked him to let me know where he ended up and if he got there ok. He checked our joint emails this morning and since then he hasn't. He hasn't contacted the kids (which I thought he would because ds1 was out doing something new and exciting all yesterday and ds2 had a very cool thing on this afternoon/evening). I texted him to tell him how ds2 got on. No reply. I texted him to ask him to get back to me if he was ok. No reply. His phones are switched off. I have a horrible feeling about this, what am I going to do?
That is amazingly frustrating and kind of scary! He is doing his own thing and his phone is off for a reason. I do hope you hear from him that he is safe. His family clearly isn't a priority for him in the way it should be.
There is nothing you can do but self soothe and care for yourself. Look after the kids, go take a hot shower, relax, eat something. Play a game, call a friend and catch up.
Sorry that you are in such a tough spot. Hugs.
Me40; W38; S12; D9 BD11/19/2018 D filed 12/20/18 D Final 7/2020 Being the best example I know how for my kids to see.
I wish I'd read that earlier LB, I ended up contacting 2 of his friends to see if they'd heard from him but they were both uncontactable. Then I sent him some texts saying I was seriously concerned. Then I rang a couple of friends to see if I was massively over-reacting and they thought it sounded weird and worrying. I kept imagining him lying in his flat dying of an overdose or something and feeling helpless to do anything. I have a couple of friends who have had overdoses (who were luckily found) and nobody knew anything was wrong with them, so I went to the worst case scenario and imagined having to tell my kids he'd killed himself. Overly dramatic I know, I am SO not an anxious person usually, that's always been his role in the M lol. The other thing was that he just saw ds1 on Friday and was texting him over the weekend, and he spent time with ds2 on Sunday so he KNEW that he was doing this big exciting thing yesterday so to not text or ring him to wish him luck or see how he did was just weird, as is him not checking emails (he usually checks them obsessively). And I know he is absolutely exhausted and has had a huge amount of stress at work in the last month or so, there were red flags everywhere of things not being ok.
Anyway he finally texted me saying sorry for worrying me but he was fine and just wanted space, I said that was fine but he should have said he'd be uncontactable and I'll leave him alone now. Then he texted this morning saying he'd been awake all night and I'd worried his friends and I'd over-reacted to him having his phone off for a few hours (bearing in mind I didn't even know what COUNTRY he was in or if he'd even gone away). So I apologised and said I had asked him to let me know he'd arrived safely so I'd worried when he hadn't and to enjoy the peace. When I went away recently he texted me to check I'd arrived ok, if I had had my phone off he would have been frantic with worry! God, the hypocrisy.
I seriously need to do something to re-centre myself from this spinning. I feel like any progress I've made in myself and my emotional control has gone backwards. I have an inkling this is all because our 25th wedding anniversary, my birthday and the school holidays are all coming up soon. I try so hard not to think about the future but these are really triggering me the closer they get. My sleep has been terrible with this anxiety and heat and hormones and working hard, and I haven't made so much time for GAL involving new things and people recently.
My plan: go back to doing a daily yoga video (that's all that kept me sane the first month after BD) go back to swimming regularly (ditto) sleep: don't set an early alarm, get to bed early as often as possible book some time away or doing things for over the anniversary and my birthday go into the office today and tomorrow (hope there are some people there, it's been dead lately) any other ideas would be gratefully received. I have a friend coming over this morning to do some gardening and then meeting a friend near the office later for a run. It's time for some radical self care amidst all the work I have to do!
That sounds tough, Dilly. In your shoes, I think I'd have been worried too - and given the state your husband is in I can well see how you could start of spinning and get into total anxiety and panic in a few hours. I think you just have to briskly move on from this, learn what you can, and bring what you learn into your decisions in future.
It seems to me as if you were wanting him to act like a husband - let him know when he was going to be out of contact, let you know he arrived safely, etc. After all, that might not seem unreasonable given that he expects the same from you and wants certain wife-like behaviours from you.
But he doesn't want to reciprocate. And apparently his lack of sleep because his friend were concerned about him is your fault. He's probably just a bit humiliated that the teenage way he mistreats his wife has been exposed to people he actually does respect.
I also wonder - and I may be wrong - if this was a stunt. A punishment because you didn't jump at the chance for him to book you a holiday he couldn't quite be bothered to show up fully for.
I like your plan. I think you should add some boundaries for yourself about contact with H that would involve going much darker. And do it in the expectation that it will probably trigger more of his punishing behaviour. It may not - it may give you both the peace you need to recover and get into a healthier pattern at some point in the far future. But given what you say about him, I'd expect him to pull some more stuff like this before you're done and it just depends on how much of his antics you feel like taking before you're ready to drop the rope.
I hope you have a peaceful day today and can catch up on lost sleep tonight.
Dilly, I don't blame you for checking up on him, I mean imagine if you had decided to just blow it off and then found out later that he had a heart attack or swallowed a mouthful of pills. What you did wasn't DB'ing, but sometimes safety concerns take precedence. Not surprised he's giving you some crap over it but that's OK, I think you did the right thing and no matter what he says you can sleep better at night knowing you did the right thing. At the end of the day that's more important than a little flak.
Thank you everyone, I appreciate it. I think he felt a bit guilty (and yes Alison maybe a bit embarrassed at me dragging his friends in) but I don't feel like it was the wrong thing to do. My friend who I rang last night came over this morning to do some gardening with me and she told me that 5 years ago her friend rang to say that her H had killed himself, it was devastating for everyone, so I think I gave her a bit of a flashback. But I don't think I over-reacted, H's behaviour was worrying and it was selfish, but I guess I should be used to the latter. Interesting take on it being punishment Alison.
Right now I don't care. I'm heartily glad he's alive and not dead in a car crash or of an overdose or drowned in his own vomit, but weirdly I don't care what he's up to, I'm leaving him be and doing me. I'm actually having a lovely day and I will get an early night.
And as he's asked for space, I suggest you leave it to him to make contact and only respond in a business like way if it is something practical that needs your attention.
I've been doing some research this morning Alison, it's all a bit overwhelming! And the kids will be resistant to anything I suggest, ds2 was adamant that he wanted to go back to Italy 'because it's always the same' and I am so reluctant to contaminate my happy memories by returning there. I suspect it will be too late to book that place anyway, I thought maybe we could compromise by going somewhere nearby but different.
H is getting all the space he wants, he texted yesterday to ask if I was ok and I sent a 2 word text back. The lengths to which he is going to hide where he is is just laughable, I actually feel quite disgusted by the childishness of it.
I need to decide what to do this weekend. H asked if I was going to our other place and I said I wasn't sure. Half of me would love to get away and let him take ds2 to his activity and the other half of me is reluctant to be pushed out of my house just to suit him. I might compromise by taking ds2 to his activity and then going away. I need to put in a boundary about the kids going in H's car, the brakes are not great and for months I've been offering to get them changed and been ignored, but now I'm worried that they are illegal. So that's another reason not to go away till later. I don't want him driving my car and I'm going to tell H that until he changes his brakes the kids will not be going in his car. I'll expect all sorts of crap from him about that but I won't compromise.
I have a great GAL activity lined up for tonight, and lots of work and gardening to get done today, feeling positive about my life and my freedom and my lovely friends who are there for me
