In other news, work has been going well... we hired a new guy who I've been training. He's been through a divorce and of course had some $0.02 to put in, mostly sound advice.
She did respond to the questions regarding the separation agreement I sent her some time ago.
I sent her a few messages with additional questions...
Me: Are you opposed to adjust custody agreement in the future? I want to get into a position where I can take him every weekend.
W: I don't know
Me: What do YOU want for the custody arrangement then? (I only asked this because of the previous complaining of having him "all the time" then complaining of me not taking him enough...)
W: I'm not really sure. I don't know how S6 would do every weekend and then I wouldn't get him at all during the weekends.
Me: It could be something like 3/4 weekends each month, etc. I want to be there for him. Because we live so far apart it wouldn't be feasible for a 50/50 split (also because he may not adjust well, though when he's older it may be possible). I just don't want to limit my future time with him because it's not as doable right now.
W: I understand that
Me: The lawyer who will be working on this is out of town until the 15th so you've got time to think about it if you want.
W: Okay. I'm going to have an attorney review it with me.
Me: I figured you would, that's fine.
And that was that. My focus is really shifting entirely towards being there for my son as much as possible, relationship with her or not. I am going to talk with my attorney about the ability to set terms for future scenarios.
This past weekend I didn't have my son so I stayed busy from Friday night until Sunday afternoon basically.
Friday night a friend invited me to a bar to play darts and drink with some friends... I had a really good time and actually ran into an old friend from high school. I also found out I'm pretty good at darts about 2 beers in.. 3 is when accuracy goes back towards questionable... hah. Was seriously debating doing karaoke but decided against it. Maybe next time. While it was fun hanging out with friends and meeting some new people... I'm not really a bar type of person... would rather be home with W and S6.
Saturday morning I got up to help another friend move. One of my buddy's cousins were there, he was asking me questions about my work, family... etc so the topic of the divorce came up. He told me how he was separated from his wife for over a year, and in that time they both came to their senses and realized it was worth staying together. He said he had even gone so far as moving out and living with some other girl... etc. It gave me a bit of hope that with more time things will improve. Later I got some stuff for my mom for Mother's Day then went to yet another friend's house for dinner. We had some steaks, beers, and BSed for a good while. There was a storm that rolled through and while I was about an hour away, on the news it showed a tornado warning right over where my W and S6 are at... so I decided to send a text asking how S6 was doing with the weather there (he hates loud noises and sometimes freaks out). All I got back was a "he's fine." So went back to hanging with buddies. I figured I'd just make sure they're OK and all that.
Sunday I went to church, talked to the pastor a bit about what's been going on, did some laundry, then went to meet my mom/dad/sister/BIL/aunt/uncle/cousin for Mother's Day at an English restaurant before going back to my parents' house for dessert. Had a good time, didn't talk about the divorce stuff really at all. It's weird not being at family get-togethers with my W... but it's even weirder not having my S6 with me as well.
So yeah.. continuing to GAL, detach, hoping for the best, preparing for the worst.
One of my biggest fears is her wanting to move away with my son. I'm trying to get into a position to take him as often as possible which would make it more in favor of requiring him to stay locally. Plus all of his extended family is here as well. I was THINKING about adding some kind of verbiage in the separation agreement... but I suspect that would put her even more on the defense... and realistically she would need to notify the courts if she wanted to do such a thing, and I'd have some time to object to it. Cross that bridge if/when we get to it.
I think validation will be especially important in your situation. Your W feels unwanted, unloved, and I suspect she has felt so for a long time. You need to show her you are listening. Not trying to fix thing, not trying to swoop in and save the day. just HEARING her as a person. Please study-up on Validation (there is a thread).
This is one of the most important things you can do. Just understand her story. It is HER story. Relate to her feelings. Do not argue. Do not give advise. LISTEN.
Do not fear her emotions. Let her be angry. you may need to say these words more than once "I am sorry I hurt you". Sometimes followed by "I can't change the past"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I am all about fighting for 50/50 custody. Your relationship with your son is the most important thing. His relationship with his mother is just as important.
OM is an issue. Who knows when it started or how far it has gotten. Be more attractive than him.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I know divorce court can be heavily slanted in favor of a wife, but you say it will be "pretty complicated" to make it possible for 50/50. I say so what, do it. But if it's not worth it to you, if it's too hard for you then you're right. If you decide it's doable and you'll achieve it no matter what than you're right again.
After a lot of thinking on things, I'm going to be doing anything I can to shoot for as much custody as possible... right now it will not be 50/50, but I am working on getting money set aside to get into an apartment before the end of the year so my son can have his own space while he is over, with the goal to take him just about every weekend and maybe during the summer months full time.
Good.
Next time she goes full blown psycho you turn and leave.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks guys. Been feeling really good about myself lately, super productive at work, training a new guy seemed to help keep my mind occupied more throughout the day.
I also finally joined a gym yesterday... Planet Fitness was running a sale on membership for $1 to sign up, $10/mo. I really liked Onelife better but seeing as I'm trying to save as much as possible I can't justify the added expense. I worked out for a couple hours after work and burned 450-500 calories. The plan will be to go 2-4 times per week depending on my schedule with my son. I felt really good afterwards and it really helps me sleep easier. I wish I'd done it sooner.
Been continuing the GAL - I've been working out every day for 1.5-2 hrs except for when my S6 is over. I went out with friends on Friday night and sang karaoke for the first time ever. I had fun, wasn't the worst but wasn't the best. Then
Saturday I had to drop some mail off to the W that got redirected to me. I was heading to the beach to walk on the boardwalk and check out some bars and grab dinner. I was dressed well and had some nice cologne on. It was a quick exchange but she asked if I was dating somebody. I said "No, why?" which she responded with "the way you've been dressing, your hair, and the cologne. Which you're wearing too much of." I'm skeptical of that because it was 2 sprays about an hour before I saw her, I suspect she was trying to just get a jab in.
While I'm truly no longer doing it just for her, I suspect she's getting curious.
My lawyer is working on the separation agreement to get the ball rolling on that. I'm at the point where I know I'll be fine either way.
In somewhat unrelated news a nice and dirt cheap 02 Jeep Grand Cherokee came through work that I may pick up to have a beater to drive on the beach and go camping with my S6 in NC. Going to inspect it and test drive it some time this week.
88, sounds like you are doing well! Yep, STBXW sounds like she's a tad jealous. LOL That is good because if she comes sniffing back around now YOU will get to decide what happens next.
Keep up the good work.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'm still doing well, looking forward to this weekend with my son.
Just got a text from the W in which she addressed me by my name which I thought was odd.
"Hey regret88, do you want me to feed S6 or do you want to eat with him?"
I told her I was planning on taking him to McDonald's (his favorite) if he wanted. She said "of course he will." And left it at that.
The Jeep looks like it'll be a good buy with about $300-350 put into it to fix a few problems after the $300 initial purchase price. I'll probably drive it a bit longer on Monday after work and buy it then barring disaster.
Also forgot to add: when I was at the oceanfront last weekend, there was live music playing and at one point I danced with a woman for a little while. No expectations of going any further than that but we talked for a bit and danced to some 80s-90s pop music. Turns out she was 40, she didn't look over 27-28 at most IMO. I'm 30 for reference. I did it mainly to muster up the courage as that's something out of my comfort zone. I essentially approached her and asked if she could help me because I'm a terrible dancer.
I can say I'm truly good with whatever happens at this point, but some of my W's mannerisms and behavior have me curious about being able to turn things around.
In a nut shell I've basically felt great about myself, the relationship between me and STBXW is on good terms mostly. She's no longer expressing crazy anger or anything. We are going between our lawyers about a few small details like debts, and she just got a different job with better benefits so that will change my out of pocket costs for the better. I'm down to 177lbs and still losing more.
I've been spending a ton of time with my son at the beach and checking out new things/places like nature trails, video arcades(which he loves), and in his quest to find the best pizza... Haha.
I think she's curious but at the point of no return. She's a stubborn person. Reflecting on our marriage and looking back, while I wasn't faultless by any means, she never communicated with me clearly, didn't speak up for things that were important to her, and always held things over my head years later even if she had "let it go." Plus her relationship with my mom and sister wasn't the greatest, and I feel like there's no hope of going back.
So in the last few weeks per the suggestion of my counselor, I've started dating around a bit. Nothing serious, literally just coffee/dinner dates. I went on like 6 different ones in a single week. There is one woman who interests me very much, is aware of the situation, and has 3 boys herself, is a special-ed teacher who would understand my son's autism/ADHD, is very old fashioned in not wanting to hook up or rush anything, etc. What stuck out to me the most was that she is the only one who has pushed me to spend as much time with my son/seek more custody as soon as feasible. Everyone else seems to ask from a "how much time will you have for me?" type perspective.
This past Wednesday I had a weird conversation with the STBXW while having ice cream with my S6 by the pool. We asked how each of us were doing, making small talk about our son, etc. She told me about her new job(parole officer). I jokingly said "well hey maybe you can meet some cute guys." Then she proceeded to tell me about her experience dating... How she went off and banged a couple guys via Bumble, they turned out to be a-holes, one lied about being married, etc. She was inundated with D-pics and weird people asking about fetishes and stuff, one guy wanted to make her his "pet" or something, and claims she has given up on trying to date and was now enjoying time by herself. I admit it made me feel weird but it basically confirmed exactly what I'd thought. Next day it wasn't even really on my mind.
I showed a brief moment of weakness and asked her if she's 100% certain that there was no hope for us... She said "you wish" and at that point I told her that I've started dating around and been having fun with it, and there is one in particular who interests me a lot and I was going to pursue her and see where it goes, and I don't want to have her crawling back when I'm happy and moved on.
Next day she told me it would be better if I pick up and drop my son off from her mom's house and we shouldn't be talking to each other unless it's pertaining to S6.
I'm perfectly ok maintaining a friend like relationship with the ex at this point, and I truly do wish her the best.
Again I'm good with whatever happens, and I never would have thought I'd be in such a great place about 5 months ago. Right, wrong, or indifferent, I continue to pray that whatever is meant to be is what comes to fruition.
