So this past weekend I went over and got some things from the apartment. She was cold and distant the whole time. She made mention to our son that they were going to Philly like I had suspected. Her dad was going with her as well (he is the one who initiated the divorce from her mom a few years back). I didn't really say much to her while there. I asked if she had a box for donating and put all my remaining clothes into it. She asked about why I wasn't taking anything, so I told her none of it would fit anymore. She responded with a sarcastic "Ooooh that's right because you lost so much weight." while waving her arms around. I don't think I responded with anything IIRC, may have said something simple like "well, yeah" or something to that effect.
Well yeah I'm down almost 45lbs now, and lost 6in in my waist... And the clothes that I actually wanted to take with me I already had from months ago.
It was hard going through some stuff. The worst was a tin I came across from when we were just dating/married... I waited to open it up until back at my place. Had tons of receipts, ticket stubs, etc in it of all the things we did together. The hardest was reading a letter she wrote me of 50 reasons she loved me. I cried for a good while before packing it back up and putting into the back of my closet.
There are several pictures in the boxes to sort through that I left there... She can do what she wants with them. Pictures of us on a cruise, our prom pictures, etc.
Afterwards I then went to a local festival to walk around, sampled some ciders at a local place, chatted with a couple older women at the bar about the drinks, then went to a friend's 50th birthday party and hung out there for a while.
Went to church on Sunday, then went to a local outdoor shopping area and stopped at Barnes and Noble and picked up Crushing by T.D. Jakes. It's a really good book I'd recommend to anyone on here with religious beliefs. I walked around for a while and read the first 3 chapters in a park area. It was a decent weekend, but running across that tin just ripped the scab right open again, and it's been hard to not think about.
It's been almost a week now since I emailed her the info I need for a separation agreement... Still no reply.
Should I push for the answers so I can move forward with it or no?
Also I'm somewhat confused as to what will be happening now on Wednesdays since I don't think she wants me coming over to play with our son anymore... I need to get clarification but not seem stupid asking. She changes her mind back and forth about everything now it seems. (Staying in or leaving the apartment, who is getting the agreement drawn up, whether I was going to get my stuff Saturday or not - she originally was pushing for me to get my stuff, then said it's no good because she was going out of town, then told me I could come over in the morning, now that my name is off the lease I think she wants to limit my time with him even more. I liked being able to tuck him into his own bed, I get a small sense of normal being able to do that now and then.
I got a message from her this afternoon that our son's check up went well, his Ritalin has been working well for his ADHD/autism, and been doing well in school still.
I'm glad he's doing well and looking forward to the weekend with him.
I replied "Thanks for the update. Am I able to come over tomorrow night either to put him in bed and/or take him out to play and get dinner?" to which I got a "Yeah" so I'll be going over after work tomorrow. It's unclear if I'll be doing any more than spending a bit of time and getting dinner, or if I'll be staying to put him in bed like I've been doing the past few months.
I'm not sure if I should bring up the email that I need answers for or not. She should be well aware of it but still nothing.
-Quit worrying about her facebook/social media. -Why did you say
Quote
We did establish that nobody goes around our son until there is a legitimate serious relationship/over 1yr+.
? It seems like you basically OK'd her affair. -Why did you buy a new car with her while she is having an affair? -Don't worry about "demonstrating 180's". You'll just end up looking like a peacock strutting around and it may come off fake. Just worry about picking out your 180's and committing to them. -Quit trying to fix her problems. She doesn't want you remember? -Why are you paying her "child support"? Why not just have your child half the time and split expenses with her? -I'm in the no gifts for cheaters camp. -You showed up with your dad to help her move old furniture? What about OM? He can't help her? He's the man right? This kind of behavior is called "white-knighting" and is solid friend zone behavior. You should be busy moving forward/GAL if requests like this are made. -Quit discussing your situation with this mutual friend. Period. -Let her do the work on the separation/divorce side. Her choice so she can lead the charge and pay the associated fees. -You're trying to fix every problem she presents to you and you let her make your feel bad about all her problems. -Get off the dating site. You're not ready, not even close. Also, maybe you forgot, you're married and supposedly trying to save your marriage.
Now, I see some positives in your overall attitude and mindset. Keep that going. Don't push the separation unless that's what you want. Get the parenting plan in writing. What is it now? It should be 50/50. Just text/email her and be as succinct as possible. When you see your son, you should take him out. Don't hang out at your W's place, you need to get some space from her IMO. If there's no court order that your W gets full custody then I don't know why you are letting her call all the shots on when you get to see him. He should be staying with you half the time.
Use fewer words when you interact with her. Read R2C links on attraction. They will help you a lot.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
We did establish that nobody goes around our son until there is a legitimate serious relationship/over 1yr+.
? It seems like you basically OK'd her affair.
This was before the divorce busting tactics were learned. I see now it was a weak move, at the time I thought it was responsible and I was thinking about the best interests of my son. Also not applying pressure to stay.
-Why did you buy a new car with her while she is having an affair?
I didn't buy it for her, I just saved her some money. I am not on the financing paperwork, etc.
-Don't worry about "demonstrating 180's". You'll just end up looking like a peacock strutting around and it may come off fake. Just worry about picking out your 180's and committing to them.
Noted, and kind of how I feel.
-Quit trying to fix her problems. She doesn't want you remember? -Why are you paying her "child support"? Why not just have your child half the time and split expenses with her?
That's not how it works in VA. If I pay her nothing then she can file for back-child-support.
As for 50/50 custody, that is a tricky one. We each work 45min away from each other. I screwed myself by moving closer to work. VA is a very mom-biased state from all personal accounts of friends who've gone through this.
For starters I need a place that has his own room, furnished, etc. I am renting a room at a friend's house, so no utilities, etc is helping me save up.
Because of a bankruptcy several years ago plus a medical bill in collections(which I'm working on now) my credit is horrible. I can't realistically take out a loan for what I need.
I need a place in the same school district as she is in... This means I'm commuting 100mi daily and an hour away from him at any given time if I get a call from his school. This also means before and after school care will be needed.
If I transfer to the location in their city, they have weird shift hours (5am to 2pm or 3pm to midnight), which means I'd need a babysitter or childcare starting at 4:30am (which is insanely hard to find) for morning shift, or I'd hardly ever see him on night shift plus require a live in nanny which is a no-go. I work 8-5 currently.
-I'm in the no gifts for cheaters camp. -You showed up with your dad to help her move old furniture? What about OM? He can't help her? He's the man right? This kind of behavior is called "white-knighting" and is solid friend zone behavior. You should be busy moving forward/GAL if requests like this are made.
Yeah, I'm frankly not sure if there is an OM or not. I haven't heard anything about it since she said she was talking to someone as friends.
-Quit discussing your situation with this mutual friend. Period.
Done
-Let her do the work on the separation/divorce side. Her choice so she can lead the charge and pay the associated fees.
I'll let her do the work on the divorce, but I need to ensure I don't get screwed and have an agreement drawn up. If she doesn't help pay for it then I won't be taking much of her input into consideration, and I intend to add a clause about future possibilities of 50/50 split custody.
-You're trying to fix every problem she presents to you and you let her make your feel bad about all her problems.
You're right. I'm being too helpful.
-Get off the dating site. You're not ready, not even close. Also, maybe you forgot, you're married and supposedly trying to save your marriage.
Yes. I was signed up for a day to browse and deactivated the account and haven't been back since. It was a moment of weakness.
Now, I see some positives in your overall attitude and mindset. Keep that going. Don't push the separation unless that's what you want. Get the parenting plan in writing. What is it now? It should be 50/50. Just text/email her and be as succinct as possible. When you see your son, you should take him out. Don't hang out at your W's place, you need to get some space from her IMO. If there's no court order that your W gets full custody then I don't know why you are letting her call all the shots on when you get to see him. He should be staying with you half the time.
Use fewer words when you interact with her. Read R2C links on attraction. They will help you a lot.
Thanks, I added my replies in the quote above. The custody thing is a very complicated situation.
She told you there is an OM already. "Just friends" is the biggest crock of crap. I don't know why any of them would expect us to believe it but every WS loves to use that line.
What have you guys agreed to on the divorce side and why is it on you to draw one up? I still don't get this. I'm not the most knowledgeable in regards to custody and child support, though it seems you are peppering your angus getting ready for this. You should be gunning for 50/50 right now IMO. Hopefully some of the experienced custody and support people chime in.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Did you not read the responses? It will be pretty complicated to make it possible for 50/50 to work in my situation. All I can really do is ask her to look for a job closer to me (her contract is up in a year and she has been looking elsewhere). I could bring it up tonight potentially.
That seems like an excuse Regret. Nothing is impossible. You don't have any court order saying you can't have your kid half the time. You are letting her control when you see your own kid. You have to understand that if this goes to divorce, she can say "well so and so hardly saw our child" and that would negatively affect your custody in court.
The more you see your child, the more you are involved, the more you do, the more effort you make, the better you look in front of a judge. You need to show your child, your WW and a judge that you would move mountains to make sure that you spend at minimum 50% of the time with them. It doesnt matter how far you are, how much gas costs, how much you think the court is biased.
The only thing stopping you from 50/50 right now is your fear that you are in some sort of compromised situation that inhibits your ability to do so. Stop that right now. Take charge, push for that 50/50. Be assertive and tell her that you are going to see him 50% of the time. If she doesnt play ball then you need to get a lawyer involved. If you end up in custody court they will ask every single time you saw your kid and how much time you spent with them when you were separated and take that into consideration when they decide how much time you get in the custody agreement. Believe me.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Did you not read the responses? It will be pretty complicated to make it possible for 50/50 to work in my situation. All I can really do is ask her to look for a job closer to me (her contract is up in a year and she has been looking elsewhere). I could bring it up tonight potentially.
I read them, thanks for responding there.
I know divorce court can be heavily slanted in favor of a wife, but you say it will be "pretty complicated" to make it possible for 50/50. I say so what, do it. But if it's not worth it to you, if it's too hard for you then you're right. If you decide it's doable and you'll achieve it no matter what than you're right again.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I know divorce court can be heavily slanted in favor of a wife, but you say it will be "pretty complicated" to make it possible for 50/50. I say so what, do it. But if it's not worth it to you, if it's too hard for you then you're right. If you decide it's doable and you'll achieve it no matter what than you're right again.
After a lot of thinking on things, I'm going to be doing anything I can to shoot for as much custody as possible... right now it will not be 50/50, but I am working on getting money set aside to get into an apartment before the end of the year so my son can have his own space while he is over, with the goal to take him just about every weekend and maybe during the summer months full time.
Anyway in the past few week:
5/3 I picked my son up and it was a basically neutral exchange. We had a great weekend together, we went to a local kids festival, I took him to a video arcade which he thought was the best thing ever, played Legos a bunch, etc.
Prior to dropping him off on 5/5, me and my son got some dinner together since he was hungry. Previously W complained once that I "dropped him off too early" so I was taking my time to get him back there. Before it was usually around 6pm, She texted me and asked if I had left yet about that time. I told her we were getting dinner still near me, and we'd be there some time between 7:10-7:20ish. Her reply was "That's fine just wanted to make sure I was out of the shower to unlock the door." In my mind overprocessing every little thing... I wonder why she went through the trouble to give those details. Oh well.
When actually dropping him off, the W made some snide remarks at how I've been dressing. "Who's been helping you get dressed lately?" to which I replied "Why does it matter?" She was making fun of the "skinny" jeans I was wearing. Whatever. I didn't let it bother me. I was wearing some slim jeans and a polo that made me look pretty nice if I do say so myself.
She has wanted to put a stop to me coming over to visit on Wednesday nights... so before leaving I asked if it was OK for me to come over and take him out to dinner or do something with him so that she doesn't "have" to leave.. she said that was fine.
So this past Wednesday rolls around, I send her a text as I leave work at 5 "Just making sure it's still ok for me to pick S6 up for dinner?" and she said yeah.
I get there, walk in, my son is there, so I ask if he wants to go get something to eat. "NO" being a typical 6yo boy. Then the W immediately jumps on me and says "He already ate dinner at my mom's place" like I was supposed to know that...? I paused for a second or two and asked her "so... what do you want me to do?" because I know she didn't want me staying there... I could have taken him outside somewhere to play... etc...
She goes off on a rant about how me coming over is inconveniencing her... I'm a "crappy coparent," and I'm "getting off easy" by only having to pay child support and only have him every other weekend... etc etc. She dropped the F bomb right in front of S6 at least 3 times. I reiterated to her that I messaged her just an hour ago to specifically avoid this and that I couldn't be a mind reader (which that may have been a bit abrasive, but I was baited into it). She ended up getting her stuff together and left.
I played videogames with my son for a few minutes then went to the bathroom to break down over this whole situation. I didn't want him to see me like that.
Once I came out we played a bit more, then he said he wanted to go to the beach... so I took him to the beach. Her comments were still bugging me... and I decided that I would not be talked to that way. I sent her a text:
Me: We're going to have a talk when you get back.
W: About what?
Me: How this is going to work/what exactly you want. And no more yelling and cursing in front of S6. That was completely uncalled for. S6 just informed me he wants to go to the beach, so we'll be there for a little while.
W: You can just start picking him up from my mom on Wednesday if you want to see him. Yeah it was but I can't keep my composure around you because of everything you put me through the last 9 years and your crappy coparenting.
Me: I just want a calm discussion. I know I wasn't the greatest husband/parent, but I can't do anything about the past. I want to change that going forward. I can't even attempt to take on more of a role when you belittle me for tell you I'd like to, then you yell at me because I don't do enough. I'd like to attempt talking briefly, if it doesn't work then so be it, I'll leave. Going to the beach now.
We had a very short talk when we got back.. I basically just stated that I can't be more of a parent when she won't let me, then turns around and complains I'm not there enough, then left.
