Not much change - she still wants to reconcile - there was a brief misunderstanding in there for a while due to miscommunication (the dangers of texting). We both want to take things slowly. She stated that she wants time to figure out how to make herself happy and I am still determined to make myself into the best d*mn version of myself. She is extremely remorseful for her actions leading up to this point and has apologized several times over the weekend (which we did NOT spend together). We still haven't had "the talk" about what it will take to reconcile. We're supposed to spend time together at my house this upcoming weekend where we have agreed that we'll discuss what it looks like to move forward together, or if it's even possible. I'm really trying to stay objective about this, keep the big picture in mind, and not dive head first into a sh*t-show.
I don't want to walk into that conversation with a crazy list of demands, so I'm keeping it short with my highest priorities in there.
1. No contact with OM. She broke things off with him, but they still work in the same building so I will have her present ideas on how she plans to make this happen, which I will either approve or not. I am not willing to budge on this item. She either needs to find a new job or transfer to a position that does not interact with his.
2. She agrees to MC and IC (I'm already in IC). She has a lot of personal baggage to unpack and there were a lot of things wrong in our old marriage that need to be addressed, on both sides.
3. I need assurance that she is committed to rebuilding a relationship with ME, not just trying to mask the pain she is currently feeling about the loss of family. She's saying mostly the right things that I am looking for her to say in this regard, but I need for her to state that she's in it for me, clearly, without room for interpretation.
If those are met, I also want to discuss; 1, what reconciliation means to each of us; 2, a general timeline or goal(s) for reconciliation; 3, rules of engagement (e.g. frequency and types of contact with each other [date nights, family outings, social events, etc.].
Let me know your thoughts. Another note, communication has opened up from terse, but cordial to having a hint of friendly banter.
Well, it's been just about a month since we started trying to "work on us". I feel like it's going well, though I am having issues. We're taking things slowly... We're trying to build up a new, better relationship between the two of us, but we also recognize that we both have a lot of work to do on ourselves. She is staying in her new place for now, renovating it by herself with the intent of making it an investment property for us (also as a form of spiritual/emotional therapy).
We've been spending a lot of time together, mostly at her place so she can work on her renovations. Seeing her friends and knowing that some of them hung out together with the OM is... difficult. I catch myself getting mad at strangers for being complicit in the whole ordeal (I never show it, but I certainly feel it). To her credit, my W has purged what were her and OM's mutual friends from her life, even before reaching out to me. Our time together has been really good - there is still chemistry there and we really enjoy our time together and with the boys. Most of the time, it just feels right to have the family together.
We've agreed on no sex for the time being - I need the time to process my own emotions; I had forgiven her relationship with OM in the context of us never getting back together, but now that we're working on the marriage, I find that forgiveness is a lot more complicated. Spending time at her house, being in her bedroom knowing they had sex there leaves me in a weird emotional state - I'm not even sure what emotion(s) I feel in those moments. I'll be more than glad when she moves back in to my (our?) home. I'm going to take some time and create some space for myself. She wants the time so that she can focus on herself without distraction; her relationship with OM really messed her up emotionally because it was just so out of alignment with her morals/values.
I find myself doubting the whole process of reconciling. Trust has become an issue, something I've never had to work through in a relationship before. I trust that her heart is in it right now and that she isn't lying or trying to manipulate me, but the sense of permanence/loyalty is gone.
Steve I know you mean no harm by it but you have no idea if D is the easier route because you’ve never went through it. Since some of us here have it might be best to reframe that statement.
JB, it takes time, patience and forgiveness. You don´t forget, you forgive. You need time, both of you.
I´ve been on the other side. It´s hard there too. Guilt, remorse, disappointment, lack of self approval. All of that rapidly turns into depression and anxiety...
Walk slow, take your time. Wounds must heal. Help yourselves.
Patience.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Steve I know you mean no harm by it but you have no idea if D is the easier route because you’ve never went through it. Since some of us here have it might be best to reframe that statement.
Again, I know you mean no harm.
LOL Touche. True. I guess Ring was so hard I imagined Ding had to be easier.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I am D, I believe Ring would be extremely difficult. But the work put into Ring would be worth it (based off of my understanding). Most people do not get to "together at last" because it is easier to D than do the required work.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thanks for the validation. I understand where you're coming from when you say R is harder than D. I was pretty much two feet out the door when she asked to work on the M, so I felt like the majority of that battle had been fought (not necessarily the reality, but it certainly felt that way). Now I'm back in the arena, battling with brand new emotions. I'm not saying that one is easier than the other, but I get where you're coming from. I remember reading your piecing journey and how you struggled with it at times - not quite the same, but I definitely relate.
Neffer,
Thanks for the insight. I'm trying to keep that in mind as we move into this next stage together. It's so easy to get lost in my own thoughts and feelings and not recognize that she is going through her own set of sh*t.
It's her week with the boys, so I'm going to keep busy to get/give more space. I've got soccer and homework to occupy my time, so we'll see how the week goes. I've got to find a balance of being together and maintaining our space. IC tomorrow - I'll hopefully be able to pull some nuggets of wisdom from that.
