So I have a few general questions - she has recently been trying to engage in conversations outside of kids, finances, etc. She asks me how I'm doing, tells me about x or y thing she bought. I do not respond to these texts. I don't feel compelled to respond to these and frankly they seem off. Is ignoring these idle fishing attempts the correct response? Is there a more appropriate action to take?
Sometimes reply right away, sometimes reply an hour or two later, and sometimes (if it's nothing important) don't reply at all. The impression you want to leave her with is that you are not being cold and indifferent, you're just a very busy person and don't particularly feel obligated to engage in idle chit-chat unless it suits you.
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And some advice requested; she wants to take S3 to an overnight thing for his b-day and invited me to stay the night with them. My initial reaction is to say no to the overnight, but yes to spending time with him for his celebration. Any issues with that as a response?
Well that's up to you. Spend the night if you want, avoid it if you don't want to. As long as you don't have any expectations and do it to support your S then there's no harm in it.
That quote is spot-on. I like the way that Coach laid it out and it's certainly a powerful stance to take. Do you believe that I should go into this discussion with that list ready to go? What issues do you see with my approach of deferring creating that list until after the unlikely event that she does want to R? Am I misinterpreting the timing of that list?
Coach was very wise. He did the work to get his wife back. There was no OM. Read his postings if you have time.
There are good responses and bad responses to every scenario that may happen.
Part of the process is her feeling like she really lost you. Most LBS take back the wayward to easily.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I prepped/cooked the meat and took it over there, she bought/made all the sides. I had it in my mind to be as positive and upbeat as possible, pretty easy with S3 around. I got there and she already seemed off - we said our hellos; it was clear that she was apprehensive about something, so I went to play with S3 since I hadn't seen him in a couple days and he was excited to see me. She kind of shadowed us around the house as we played, not really saying anything. She offered me a tour of the house after a while which I accepted (didn't want to seem rude) - went upstairs, said hello to S15 who was playing video games, she showed me around, and we went back downstairs to see if the last part of dinner was ready. It wasn't, so I went back into playing with S3 while she sat at the table and we made idle conversation about what I'd been up to recently. I kept it vague: homework, going out with friends, etc.
When the last of dinner was ready, only a few minutes after coming downstairs, we made plates and sat at the table. S15 was in the middle of something "important" in his video game, so he didn't join us and S3 was wrapped up in a TV show. She broke down almost instantly after sitting down. She said that she felt incredibly guilty, that she missed having her family, and that her recent vacation was filled with her crying the whole time. She said that the trip put things into perspective for her and that she didn't understand why she rushed into everything that she did. I validated her feelings and she asked me if I could ever forgive her. I asked her to clarify what she meant by "forgive her" and she asked if I would consider trying to "work on us". I told her that I didn't know if I could forgive her and that I didn't know if I'm in a place where I want to work on us. Both of those are true - I would love to have my family back, but I'm not sure if it's in my heart right now. I told her that I would think about it, and excused myself. I've made so much progress on myself as a person; all of the things she did were so hurtful; I'm honestly afraid of what reconciling looks like. I know the right answer is to keep my family together, I believe that with all my heart. Why is this so difficult?
"I validated her feelings and she asked me if I could ever forgive her. I asked her to clarify what she meant by "forgive her" and she asked if I would consider trying to "work on us". I told her that I didn't know if I could forgive her and that I didn't know if I'm in a place where I want to work on us."
It's funny that that's exactly what they tell us when they reach the WAW stage and leave us with ambiguities. That's what I heard shortly after BD. Now that the shoe is on the other foot JB42, all of a sudden they're feeling the "space" and they don't like it.
This BD stuff and experience, really is a game of chicken, of patience, of emotional maturity and strength, love, change, growth, and will. Something good has to come out of it either way.
Congrats on taking the wheel back on your life JB42. Its in your hands. You can decide which way you want to go now.
Just finished reading your thread(s), and just chiming in with my perspective.
I can't help but state the obvious, which I am sure you are very aware of, but it can be something that we forget easily, because when we feel the situation makes a turn for the better, we are hardwired to just drop everything and rush in to save the day. So, do have YOUR best interest as the priority here - you seem to have fought through so much, and you seem to genuinely be in a very good place in life, where you value yourself, and have the courage to move forward with confidence and a genuine belief, that you deserve happiness - at least that is what I sense from the development in your journaling.
Seeing how absolutely WW your wife was/is, at the beginning really made me think about my own situation, because, when it comes down to it - most of the stories in here are following the same narrative, its just the actors that are not the same.
Whats my point? I have lived the situations, where my "girls gone wild" ex suddenly decided to throw the breadcrumbs, and seemed to be genuinely sorry for everything. This happened on more than a handful of occasions. What did these occasions have in common? I later learned, that her behavioral pattern of wanting to talk about "us", to reassure herself that I was still available, were only important to her, when her OM was unsure of what he really wanted out of the relationship with her. In short, she was making sure I was the plan B.
You see, I was a rookie, and in many ways I still am. But I am wiser, and when I see this pattern, I can't help but chime in, so if this is (which it could be) simply a case of your wife being on rocky grounds with OM and reassuring herself that you are not gone, then you won't make the same mistakes that I did. Because, frankly, its a HUGE mental setback if you take the bait (trust me, I would know).
I chose in the end to let go, and in my story, my ex is happy with her OM and as long as that is the case, I don't hear from her. I do know, that if for some reason things get rocky, she will be on my doorstep before I can spell out "detachment", because that is how it works.
You are doing awesome. Validate by all means, expect nothing, let show a genuine longterm pattern of being sorry for her actions. Keep on GAL, keep on being an AWSOME parent, and down the road, you will know if this is merely a hiccup on her exit strategy, or if she is actually ready to work on you as a couple.
Just my 5 cents.
Have a good weekend.
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
Really happy for you that your W seems to have recognized what it is she has lost. I agree with the advice on here about not jumping back into things. It is super important that she take responsibility for her part in things (and you for your part) and do the work. I don’t know if you have read my sitch but I actually had two bomb days...the first was four years before the second. My H woke up one day saying he was unhappy, wasn’t living the life he was supposed to live, etc... At the time, I told him it was financially impossible and that he needed to figure things out. I stepped back and for six months he went to counselling, joined a men’s group, backed out of a trip to Hawaii that I went on anyway and then even left for one month before coming home and announcing he was better, loved me again and wanted to stay. I was so relieved that he was back, I just let him move back in and took him at his word that his “crisis” was over. I tried to talk to him a few times about it but he would just claim “foggy brain” and didn’t want to talk about it because he was embarrassed. In hindsight, I should not have allowed him back home so easily and I should have insisted that we go to counselling, etc... but I didn’t. Turns out, his crisis was not over and what followed was four years of me being physically and emotionally abandoned by him (too much to explain in this post how that happened) and his creation of a “double life”, the details of which I will never know. By the time BD #2 occurred, he was too immersed in his other life to even conceive of returning or working on our relationship. I’ve accepted it and am doing really well but it isn’t lost on me that my kids have had to accept less than what they deserve because of our failings.
So...my advice to you is to be really, really cautious and don’t give up the gains you have made without some work on her part (and more on yours too). It would be really, really easy to fall back into old routines and for old resentments to resurface if you just let her come home. As others have said...there is still much work to be done by her and also by the two of you together. If you are still willing, it is important that the two of you create a new marriage rather than return to the old one. That marriage is over and it should stay that way. Date each other, go to counselling, talk, make new vows (eventually) and do not rush into anything. You got this!!! If you both do the work, I think you can go on to have a great marriage. Best of luck to you!!! (((HUGS)))
There's a list around here somewhere, but it includes things like 100% transparency, working on the marriage with a professional, writing OM a No Contact letter that YOU approve and send...Have that list ready. If she wavers and comes to you, calmly hand her the list and say 'when you're ready to comply with this, let me know. Without it, I have no interest in taking you back.'
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Hold it... Don't word it like "you cannot..." Its..."In order to trust you, I need you to..." And you have to offer the same restrictions... You offer full disclosureand transparency of phone logs etc...
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
