WAW says... part 2

[harvey]

The dynamic with W has been changing. It doesn't feel as tense anymore. Her text messages have been lighter, she put a heart emoji in one. She sent me a message last night that says that she is "feeling positive about the future for both of us". I'm not taking this as a good sign. I think she sees the changes in me, and is taking this more as permission to move on, since I'm doing so well.

Be careful. I went through these stages where I noticed any subtle change, mind read, and hoped it signified that she might be open to reconciliation. It didn't. GAL, 180, detach. Let her go. That's all I can say.

[Jamine]

So, It's been quite a while since I've posted here, but wanted to give an update. I've decided that if/when D happens, I will not be staying in the area. I'm actually going to visit another city at the beginning of June (somewhere I've never lived) that's got more to offer than where I currently am. I have some good friends living there, and can afford a place downtown on my own, and feel that this would be a very good place to start fresh. My boss is completely supporting this, which is really nice. I've told W that I do not plan to stay in the house past the beginning of July, and will be leaving the city as well.

The dynamic between W and I has started to shift. W's been trying to encourage me to stay here, sending me links to condos and apartments less than a mile from our house (even though she knows I plan to leave). She's completely stopped yelling when we interact, finds reasons to text or call every day, and has been coming by the house more often. She came by on Monday to pick some things up, and I was making tacos. I invited her to stay and eat, and we had a really nice time. No R talks, just catching up and hanging out. I know that on some level this is cake eating, but it was really really nice to just spend some stress-free time together. After dinner, W asked if we could have dinner together once a week. I told her that I'm really busy, and I'll think about it.

W also texted me asking if we could go to therapy together. I asked her why, and she said "so that you can have a better understanding of why we are separating, and so we do this gracefully without anger and resentment. We both love each other and I don't want things to end negatively." I replied that I need to think about that, and have not discussed it since. If she brings it up, I plan to tell her no, and that she's welcome to see a therapist on her own to achieve those goals (not sure if she is still going to IC, haven't asked). It sounds like she wants me to go to therapy so she can feel less bad about what she's doing, and so she can guilt me into a friendship. I'm not interested in that.

I know that I shouldn't be analyzing her behavior, but I think things are starting to actually sink in for her. That I won't be at arms length after this, and that I'm actually moving on with my life without putting her at the forefront of my decision making. W has STILL not filed for D, and has said she was going to multiple times. Not getting my hopes up here; I'm going to keep going forward planning to move to a new amazing city. No matter how this pans out, I'll be in a good situation.

[AnotherStander]

So, It's been quite a while since I've posted here, but wanted to give an update. I've decided that if/when D happens, I will not be staying in the area. I'm actually going to visit another city at the beginning of June (somewhere I've never lived) that's got more to offer than where I currently am. I have some good friends living there, and can afford a place downtown on my own, and feel that this would be a very good place to start fresh. My boss is completely supporting this, which is really nice. I've told W that I do not plan to stay in the house past the beginning of July, and will be leaving the city as well.

I actually think that sounds like a really great idea, assuming your are doing it 100% because you want to and not to "punish" your W. It sounds like you have the right reasons though.

The dynamic between W and I has started to shift. W's been trying to encourage me to stay here, sending me links to condos and apartments less than a mile from our house (even though she knows I plan to leave). She's completely stopped yelling when we interact, finds reasons to text or call every day, and has been coming by the house more often. She came by on Monday to pick some things up, and I was making tacos. I invited her to stay and eat, and we had a really nice time. No R talks, just catching up and hanging out. I know that on some level this is cake eating, but it was really really nice to just spend some stress-free time together. After dinner, W asked if we could have dinner together once a week. I told her that I'm really busy, and I'll think about it.

I think you are right, she's starting to see some REAL detachment versus just detaching as a trick to get her back. And she's starting to realize she may lose you. Unfortunately it doesn't mean she wants to recon, but she's trying to keep you on as Plan B.

W also texted me asking if we could go to therapy together. I asked her why, and she said "so that you can have a better understanding of why we are separating, and so we do this gracefully without anger and resentment. We both love each other and I don't want things to end negatively." I replied that I need to think about that, and have not discussed it since. If she brings it up, I plan to tell her no, and that she's welcome to see a therapist on her own to achieve those goals (not sure if she is still going to IC, haven't asked).

Perfect response.

[Jamine]

Well, it's definitely turned into a rollercoaster. W sent me a message that she was filing today, and that even though we'd agreed that we were going to see a mediator, that she's hiring an attorney. She also hired someone at the law office that represents my company, and who I'm currently managing a software project for on their business-law side. I was concerned this was going to be a conflict of interest, but the attorney said since it's a different arm of the practice that it isn't.

When I told W that I'd now have to hire my own attorney to go over the paperwork, she flipped out. Started accusing me of trying to slow the process and trying to "take" more from her. Hung up on me once, then called me back. I explained that we'd decided on a mediator and she made this choice without me, and she was extremely argumentative, telling me that tons of couples only have one lawyer representing one of them (uhh, what??) and that a mediator can't file the paperwork (aren't most mediators lawyers themselves?). I told her that I was going to have to have someone review these documents for me, as I'm not an attorney. I ended the conversation there, telling her that I didn't want to talk anymore. She texted a few minutes later apologizing.

Earlier this week W had asked if she could join me and our dog on a hike this weekend. I was planning to do this beautiful hike about an hour drive away on my own - I told her about it when she asked about my weekend plans. She expressed interest in joining, so I said that if she wanted to that she could come. I thought I could use the time together to validate, as an opportunity for her to see my 180s, and have a pleasant experience together. I also miss her very much, and was looking forward to actually doing something together. We only see each other once or twice a week, so it's not like this chance comes up often. Was this a mistake? Should I just call the whole thing off?

[ovrrnbw]

Let her ride the roller coaster, you just keep the steady improvement going.

If she gets stupid and mean and hangs up, don't bother answering after that. It shows her that you'll be there after her tantrum. But overall your detachment is progressing. Just remember that you won't let someone who doesn't want you in her life dictate how you live yours.

Of course you can't use the same attorney, how can 1 person represent opposing interests? I swear, some people...

Good luck J!

[Jamine]

Well, W has already texted me multiple apologies for acting the way she did. She said she's sick and super irritable and that's why she acted that way (funny that she was doing this constantly a few weeks ago without having the excuse of being sick).

I didn't reply to 4 of the messages, on the 5th I told her that I'm sorry she isn't feeling well, but I won't continue to talk to her if she treats me this way. She said she was extremely sorry and would not do it again.

Not sure if she ended up filing the paperwork today. I guess I'll find out soon.