Examine your whiteness? Haha if this wasn't your W I'd tell her you're planning on getting in the tanning bed. I mean, it's highly unlikely that a racist white man would end up marrying an Iranian woman, I think that'd come out before the wedding. You're bending over backwards to see things from her point of view racially, whereas it seems she may have stereotyped you as a white man. I haven't seen you writing about how she has looked at the world through you lens or that she even cares to, but maybe I am missing something.
Sorry to hear that she wasn't so interested in reconciling. Take your time to think everything through. I hate to hear that she is attacking your son too.
I hope you can do your best to turn your focus back onto you and what you need to do to make your life the best it can be.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks, overrnbw. This weekend I pretty much decided to finally throw in the towel. I saw my therapist today, and after describing a lot of my wife's recent texts to him (and he's heard a lot of similar ones over the past few months) he told me he didn't know if he'd ever seen a situation between a couple having marital difficulties in which one party was more adamant that they were 100% blameless for anything.
Thanks, overrnbw. This weekend I pretty much decided to finally throw in the towel. I saw my therapist today, and after describing a lot of my wife's recent texts to him (and he's heard a lot of similar ones over the past few months) he told me he didn't know if he'd ever seen a situation between a couple having marital difficulties in which one party was more adamant that they were 100% blameless for anything.
CEP, what do you mean by "throwing in the towel"? Not sure if you mean stepping back and giving W time and space or if you mean pursuing S or D yourself. And I'm only asking out of curiosity, I don't think anyone would fault you for pursuing D yourself. She clearly has some very serious issues and is in complete denial about it. You're not in a position to help her because she thinks you are the source of everything wrong in her life. All you can do is remove yourself from the equation and hope that she eventually sees the light and gets some real help.
Thanks, overrnbw. This weekend I pretty much decided to finally throw in the towel. I saw my therapist today, and after describing a lot of my wife's recent texts to him (and he's heard a lot of similar ones over the past few months) he told me he didn't know if he'd ever seen a situation between a couple having marital difficulties in which one party was more adamant that they were 100% blameless for anything.
CEP, what do you mean by "throwing in the towel"? Not sure if you mean stepping back and giving W time and space or if you mean pursuing S or D yourself. And I'm only asking out of curiosity
Hey AnotherStander, I meant that I have finally given up hope on reconciliation, and I plan to move forward with pursuing a divorce. She had asked me to get the paperwork together, and I initially pushed back last Friday (just because i was glum about the whole thing, I didn't think I should have to fill out the paperwork when SHE was the one demanding a divorce), but after a torrent of lecturing from her, I just relented and said, "Fine, I'll do it." I'm just tired and want to be done with it. I don't think there's anything I can do at this point to make her work on her role in all of this, and I am accepting the fact that it's over and i need to move on.
Last Friday I told her I would work on the paperwork this week.She said, "When will it be done? By the end of next week?" And I said, "Sure, I'll get back to you on it by the end of the week." On Monday night I met up with a friend for dinner, and last night I had a gig after work (I'm a drummer), so I was planning to work on it tonight. Last night at 11 pm while I'm packing up after my gig, she called me. I didn't answer it because i was busy packing up, and I didn't really want to talk to her anyway. She called three times right in a row, then left a voice mail, then sent a text saying that it was urgent that she talk to me. So I dropped what I was doing, and called her right away...I was worried that something really serious had happened, like maybe her grandmother passing away. When she answered I said, "Is everything okay?" She said everything was fine, but she really needed to talk to me. She asked if I was at my gig (she knows I do one every Tuesday night), and I said yes, and she asked me to call her on my way home. So 15 minutes later I called her on my way home, dreading what she was going to say to me. She said, "I just want to know if you have the divorce paperwork ready." I said, "I haven't done it yet...I told you I'd do it by the end of this week, and I've been busy the past few nights, so I was going to work on it tomorrow." She said, "Oh, I don't remember you saying you'd get it done by the end of the week." I said once again that I would, and we ended the conversation. That was the "urgent" thing she needed to talk to me about. I can tell from the sound of her voice that she has probably been angrily ruminating on all of this non-stop for the last few days.
I wonder if you should give yourself a solid week or 2 to decide if you definitely want to do the paperwork. Most of my mistakes are things I have done and then really regretted after a bit of time and so now I’m only allowing myself to make a permeannt decision if I have given myself at least 1 week to be at peace with it.
I’m learning this is such a rollercoaster and something you may be certain of today (throwing in the towel)... you may not be certain of in a couple of weeks.
ILYBINILWY - 11/19/18 Got Better - 12/20/18 Counseling - Jan and Feb MIL issues - Jan BD - 2/13/2019 IHS - 2/14/2019
That was the "urgent" thing she needed to talk to me about. I can tell from the sound of her voice that she has probably been angrily ruminating on all of this non-stop for the last few days.
Man does this stuff bring back memories of the bipolar woman I mentioned that I dated. The only difference is when I would tell her "don't you remember we discussed this" then she would acknowledge that since I mentioned it she did indeed remember it, but then say I was being unreasonable for expecting her to remember what we had discussed just a day or two before. Ugh. She could do some outrageous things and manage to spin them like they were somehow my fault. Anyway I do not blame you at all for wanting out of that, luckily for me we were dating and not married so it was pretty easy to escape from but once you get out you'll look back and realize it was a lot worse than you thought.
I wonder if you should give yourself a solid week or 2 to decide if you definitely want to do the paperwork. Most of my mistakes are things I have done and then really regretted after a bit of time and so now I’m only allowing myself to make a permeannt decision if I have given myself at least 1 week to be at peace with it.
I’m learning this is such a rollercoaster and something you may be certain of today (throwing in the towel)... you may not be certain of in a couple of weeks.
Thanks for the advice, hope2019. I've been trying to make things work for over a year, so it's taken a while to get me to this point. But your words are wise. We'll see how things go.
In case anyone wants any update on my situation, here it is. Last night I settled down finally to go over the divorce paperwork forms I’d printed up, so I could give them to my wife this weekend like I’d promised. After starting in on them, I realized that perhaps my wife just wanted me to print up the forms, and wanted to fill things out together (so she’d have some control or say in it). I sent her a text and said “I’ve printed out all the divorce paperwork. Did you want me to fill it all out, or would you prefer to do it together?” Soon after sending that I ended up on a phone call with my sister. During the 30 or so minutes I was on the phone with her, my wife tried to call me a couple of times. Then she texted and said “Is this an okay time to reach you?” I responded, “No I’m on the phone right now.” When I got off the phone I noticed she had written, “Oh okay. Well I guess fill it all out, and I’ll pick it up sometime this weekend.” I replied “Okay, that sounds good.” Then a few minutes later I got a folood of texts: “I’ve never felt so unloved in my life ready to be done with this relationship. If you had wanted things to be different you had a very bizarre was of showing it. Goodbye have a nice life.” Shortly after that she wrote, “Also for the record I was a good partner, I was loyal, I was always affectionate, I was honest. You just flat out gave up on me and us. I’m better off if this is it.”
After that she called me—I answered and it was clear she was very agitated and angry, and she started telling me about how horribly I’d treated her; the usual stuff. I told her that I was not going to stay on the phone if she was just going to berate me. She continued on with more of the same for about 2 or three minutes, with me saying absolutely nothing. Finally I told her I was going to go, and I hung up. A few minutes later she called again. I answered, and she had more of the same, and was telling me about how horribly my ex-wife treated me, and that she had always treated me well, but I’m nice to my ex-wife and I treat her terribly (by the way, my ex-wife never said 90% of the insulting things to me when we were together than my wife has). I told her I was not going to make comparisons between her and my ex-wife. Eventually she wouldn’t stop berating me, so I hung up. Then she texted me, “I’m coming over, I’ll pick up the papers and fill them out myself. I’m on my way.”
I did NOT want her to come over. It was around 10 pm, and I was exhausted and ready to go to bed. Plus, she was angry and I knew that if she came over we wouldn’t actually accomplish anything other than her berating me again. And I didn’t want my son to have to witness all that either, and also possibly have her berate him as well. I texted her and said “I’m going to bed, I don’t want you to come over.” She replied, “Too bad.” I said “If you insist, I’ll leave them outside the front door. I’m not going to talk to you tonight.” Then I put the paperwork outside and locked the door (she no longer has a key) and I wrote, “I put them under the welcome mat. Good night” Then she called me. I answered and told her I was not going to answer the door if she came over, and that she should stay at home. She would stop talking, and I pretty much yelled it to her in a loud voice, and hung up.
A few minutes later she was there, and started loudly banging on the door for several minutes. I didn’t answer. She texted me, “Are you gonna hide in your house or be a man?” I didn’t respond. She kept banging, then wrote, “I just need you to sign your parts and that’s it.” I still didn’t respond, but I was feeling very agitated at everything that was happening. Eventually I heard her crying outside the front door, and then I could hear her talking loudly and hysterically to her mom on the phone outside. It was mostly in Farsi so I couldn’t make much out, although I did hear her say, “no mom, don’t call him.” Shortly after that her mom DID call me. I didn’t answer. After about 15 minutes, she finally left.
At this point I stayed up for a bit because I was so agitated. I got a few further texts from her. The last one said, “I don’t have anymore of myself to give you, my womanhood and my family’s name is humiliated.” I didn’t respond. Meanwhile, her mom also sent me a lot of angry texts, saying how terribly I’d treated their daughter, and that they were very disappointed in me.
What a terrible night. I am exhausted. I haven’t responded to her mother yet. I don’t know what to say. As stressful as all that was for me, though, I am pretty concerned for my wife’s mental health. I think she is in a very fragile state, and I’m scared what she might do or what might happen to her. I wish that there was someone close to her who could see what I see, and urge her to get help for her bipolar disorder. I don’t think she is acting in her right mind.
I left a voice message for her today, saying that I know she was having a hard time, and I never wished that for her. I said I was still willing to fill out the paperwork if she wanted, or if she wanted we could meet in a neutral place tomorrow to fill it out together.
Just five minutes ago (while I was writing this) she left me a long message saying she was filling the paperwork out and she would drop it off to me on Sunday. She said she never wanted to talk to me ever again and would be deleting my phone number. She said she and her whole family are disgusted with me and with my son, and they will all be dropping me from social media, and I was never to contact any of them again.
