.... She responded with a lot of nasty comments about me and my son. Then I got a raft of critical texts from her mom as well..... How exhausting. I tried to acknowledge to my wife that I understood that's how she feels without saying much else. Engaging with her further is pretty much useless, unfortunately.
Perfect...
"Put on the raincoat" and let all the spew run off... do not engage it. "Water off a ducks back".
You will have to pick and choose and mix it up and come up with similar short phrases to these:
"I am sorry you feel that way" "I understand you feel that way" "It must be hard to feel that way" "Thanks for sharing" "That must be hard for you" "I hear what you are saying" "I will think about what you just said" "I need time to process what I just heard" "I need to go" "I need a break" "I need time alone to thing" "That does not work for me" "Perfect" "I am busy"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Hey folks, I'm looking for a bit more advice from y'all. Yesterday I spoke with a friend who said (based on my description of some events that transpired between my wife and my son) that she thought I could have done a better job at supporting my wife when my son and she had some conflict between them. While I feel that my wife acted way out of proportion in most of these instances, upon reflection I thought that there may be some truth to this. I know that my wife didn't feel adequately supported as a woman and as a partner when my son said a few defensive things to her. So I sent her a text last night, and expressed my regret that I could have handled some of these things better, and I told her I was sorry. I told her I was NOT telling her this as an attempt to reconcile, since I knew we were getting a divorce and I had accepted and was okay with that (which is true...in the last few days, especially after my phone conversation on Friday night, I have finally started to accept the inevitability of divorce). But it felt good to see and admit to some truth in her many criticisms of me.
Well, she sent me a text this morning that was both surprising, but also not surprising. It said "Would you like to reconcile? If so would you be happily willing to do everything it takes to do so? It would take many efforts on your part, but if I felt you are being honest, genuine and dedicated my heart would be open." This surprised me, because I did not think she would ever be open to reconciling. But it was not surprising in that it seems to imply (as she has made clear all along) that I am 100% to blame for all of the problems in our marriage and that she might be open to it if *I* were do a lot of work.
I am extremely disappointed in much of my wife's behavior. If we were to reconcile, I would be willing to own up to my weaknesses and try to work on them. But I would expect her to take responsibility for her own actions, and I have great doubt that she will do this. Further, I know that she will try to lay blame on me for things that I don't agree with, and or will make demands on me that I think are unfair. At the very least I think we need to go to a professional counselor to work through all this. At the first sign that I don't agree with what she thinks I need to do, she will tell me that I was lying and didn't really want to reconcile, etc.
How do you think I should respond to her? I'm tempted to tell her that I would like to reconcile, but it would take efforts on BOTH of our parts, and that she would need to take responsibility for her own actions, and also be willing to go to counseling with me. I think she needs to know that my text to her was not an admission on my part that I was to blame for all our problems. But I also know that this is a sign of softening on her part, and I want to respond in a way that keeps us moving in a positive direction, if that's at all possible.
I really do almost feel like giving up at this point. I would feel a sense of relief and freedom if we divorce. But I also value my vows to her, and I care about her, and if if I can act in a way that brings her to not only wish to reconcile, but ALSO work on her role in our marriage, then I feel I should do that.
Any comments appreciated, even if it's to tell me that I'm thinking or acting like a wrong-headed idiot! Thanks!
She has said lately that since I have barely contacted her, obviously that proves what she has said all along, that I don't care for her or love her. Basically, it feels like no matter what I say or do, I can't win.
Your W has a lot of complex issues. I'm talking about issues that you cannot change. I'm being very frank when I say that you should move on with your life, and just love her from afar. Free yourself......(your son, and any future children) from a life of misery.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
With what you have told us about what she has demanded to reconcile, I don't see any softening in her position. Her demands are selfish and shows no willing to compromise to make you'll M work. The way she presented reconciling will put you in a weak and horrible position. The moment you make a mistake, she will blame you for not making the M work. She will also, tell you that you agreed to do whatever to fix yourself and she never had anything wrong. She has work to do, and I mean alot, and you have to hold her accountable to that work. This is a great time to start holding her accountable. Either she agree to compromise or you keep moving forward the way you have.
Your W comments has blatantly presented themselves as, you do "Everything I want" or you don't get me, and you don't have a say in none of this.
I know her text gave you hope, but the context of that message has fallen completely flat for a person ready to reconcile and ready to work and save their M.
When I texted her back I would say, "A marriage is about compromise, understanding, forgiveness and love, your message to me, has and shows neither one of those elements, I'm willing to work on my faults and take the blame for my problems putting our M in this position, but if you are not willing to do the same, I'm not willing to reconcile".
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
. It said "Would you like to reconcile? If so would you be happily willing to do everything it takes to do so? It would take many efforts on your part, but if I felt you are being honest, genuine and dedicated my heart would be open."
H:"I need time to think about that. I know for sure that I do not want to go back to how it was."
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
CEP, just curious, does she say things like this (interested in recon) and then later when you talk to her she acts like either she never said it or that you just misunderstood her? Just asking because that is exactly the kind of stuff the bipolar woman I dated would do, and it was quite the mind "f". Anyway I agree with Sandi, Joe and R2C that you want to tread carefully and not make any promises to her right now. Maybe just reply that while you like the sound of it, you feel like you both have some things to work through first before talking about recon.
Wow, you have a whopper of a WAS on your hands. I usually don't give this strong of an opinion, but IMHO, you should pull the eject lever. You don't have kids.
It sounds like your W has BPD. You have an SJW BPD person you are dealing with. I know you love her. But this is not the same W you married. This is a different person completely with different ideals and needs. You need to focus on yourself. Don't feed the irrational perspective your W has.
Follow DB again. Save yourself.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
Thanks again for the input, everyone. I agree with most of the assessments being offered here. I basically told her that I would like to reconcile, but that it would take a lot of effort on BOTH of our parts, and that I would want to see a marriage counselor. I made it clear that both of us would need to accept responsibility for the issues in our marriage. To make a long story short, it devolved pretty quickly after that. She did not like my answer and sent a bunch of texts with more of the same criticisms I've been hearing, implying that i was solely to blame for everything (one said that I needed to examine "yourself, your misogyny, and your whiteness") with more hurtful comments about me and my son. I didn't engage after that and just let it be. I'm sad, but I think I'm done.
CEP, just curious, does she say things like this (interested in recon) and then later when you talk to her she acts like either she never said it or that you just misunderstood her? Just asking because that is exactly the kind of stuff the bipolar woman I dated would do, and it was quite the mind "f". Anyway I agree with Sandi, Joe and R2C that you want to tread carefully and not make any promises to her right now. Maybe just reply that while you like the sound of it, you feel like you both have some things to work through first before talking about recon.
Yes, there is some of this. Although what usually stands out to me is how much *I* say things to her, and then she will later deny that I ever told her anything of the sort. I think there is a huge amount of projection with her. Once when I attempted to tell her how I was feeling about something, she yelled at me and said I was "mind-f***king" her.
Wow, you have a whopper of a WAS on your hands. I usually don't give this strong of an opinion, but IMHO, you should pull the eject lever. You don't have kids.
It sounds like your W has BPD. You have an SJW BPD person you are dealing with. I know you love her. But this is not the same W you married. This is a different person completely with different ideals and needs. You need to focus on yourself. Don't feed the irrational perspective your W has.
Follow DB again. Save yourself.
You know, I've been looking up a lot of videos lately on bipolar disorder lately (especially bipolar relationships) to try to figure out how to approach some of these issues with my wife, and I stumbled across some videos on borderline personality disorder in the process, which I watched. I have to say, it seemed like in many ways my wife's behavior seems to mirror BPD as much or more so than it does bipolar. It made me wonder if she suffers from that as well. In any case, I firmly believe that a good percentage of this behavior is due to mental illness. I think deep down she is scared and does not feel well, and she is trying to make sense of her feelings, and has decided to look at external sources as the "cause" of why she is suffering. Maybe because looking at her own responsibility for her happiness and well being is too painful to bear. I think the focus on race is just the latest thing she has latched onto to try to explain why she feels badly. I should hasten to add that I don't want to minimize the racial discrimination that many people in this country experience, and at least to some extent my wife may experience; but I think her seeing racial discrimination at every turn (especially in her husband) is a gross distortion of reality. I mean, I think it's certainly possible or even likely that in some cases I may exhibit behavior that is not racially sensitive; but I refuse to accept her assertion (which has been growing over the last year) that I don't care about such things, and that I am causing her major racial harm on a regular basis. I have spent a good deal of the last year trying to see her point of view and trying to figure out how to make her feel supported (as a POC, as a woman, and just in general). But it appears to have been all for naught, unfortunately.
