do what works for you to feel better. seriously. because your H will not so you have to rely on yourself. Sad, I know. wish it wasn't like that but we play the hand we're dealt.
pros-
you love him
cons- he's abducted by aliens right now
would you be standing until the little green guys return him?
when he returns, he may have all of those cons removed
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Same, I can't tell if my H is a WAS or MLC. He kind of shows signs of both. Is there a possibility that they're just somewhere in the middle?
Yes they are almost always somewhere in between. There are no set-in-stone criteria for WAS versus MLC so it can be very difficult to "diagnose" which they are.
Quote
Started writing a pros/cons list to make me feel a little better about whats happening. Heres the rough draft
That entire list, every single item, is about your H. Make another list focused on YOU. What is it you want from life. Where do you see yourself going. What are your goals and ambitions. Then formulate a plan on making those things happen WITHOUT your H. You've got to set your H aside for now both literally and figuratively. Leave him to sort out his mess while you focus on growth and progress.
Quote
This probably isn't a great way to think, but its kind of getting me through this separation period. Maybe we just aren't meant to be and we kept pushing for it anyway?
Once you start down your journey of growth and can remove your feelings and emotions from the M equation, THEN you can sort out the answer to that question. It's far too early to think about it now though. Get busy on yourself.
I deactivated my Facebook account because I just didn't want to deal with hurt I might feel looking at my H account. Well, just logged back in today, saw he removed his relationship status. I know it doesn't even matter. Its Facebook. Its stupid. But it still just hurt a little that he just removed it all together so it no longer says were married. Still has some photos, the ones we're tagged in together on his profile, but took off the rest of em.
I'm trying to be compassionate and remember that he's going through some real shizz right now. Deep stuff. Ive been reading some of the MLC posts and I can see a lot of similarities between his behavior and theirs.
His parents had a pretty nasty divorce when he was 6. Basically he was away for the weekend with his dad and when they got home, his mother had called the cops and had his dad detained while she took him and his sister and left. I don't think there was any physical abuse, but there was definitely emotion abuse on the dads side. His step mom tells me that he had been resentful for a long time as a child.
Fast forward to 6 years ago, he and I were living in Hawaii when his mother and step father asked him to move home to transition taking over the company, so he does. Then last year they accuse him of stealing 50,000 and sell the company out from under him. Now he's working for a major corporation with no real opportunity for growth. He wants to do something else but he's afraid of failing. He's never been able to talk about how he felt with his parents because all they say is "its a great opportunity".
This has to be hurting him a great deal. He tells me I didn't support him and I kept turning it around in my mind thinking really? I didn't? I almost believed him. But every day when he would complain to me about his work I would say "you should do what makes you happy, I don't care if we don't make a lot of money, I want you to be happy with what you do, whatever it is, and I want to help" I guess this isn't the support he wanted. I may never know the type of support he needed. I just know that I did the best I could.
And yeah, it hurts that he feels he can move on so quickly. I wish I could too. I'm still trying to forgive myself. Not because I feel that this is all my fault, because believe me, I don't. But i know some of it is. I made mistakes. I can accept that and eventually I will get to the part where I can fully forgive myself and grow from those mistakes.
Lost, I know you're spinning right now and confused and probably pretty scared, just try not to freak out too bad because in this state you can do far more harm than good. You've got to leave him alone. I know your instincts are to pursue and beg and plead and throw yourself at his feet but please don't! It may seem like things are happening fast but you've got a long, long road ahead. Take a deep breathe and settle down, you have the gift of time.
Originally Posted by Lost808
I deactivated my Facebook account because I just didn't want to deal with hurt I might feel looking at my H account. Well, just logged back in today
You're taking too short term of a view of this. "Let me change this for a day or two and see what impact it has on him." This is a marathon, please accept you have probably a year or more of long, hard work ahead before you even begin to see a change in him. And please prepare yourself, because the more attached you are to him the more hurt and pain you will go through in these coming months.
Quote
saw he removed his relationship status. I know it doesn't even matter.
I know that hurts and I'm sorry you're going through this! But this is pretty typical stuff for a WAS.
Quote
Then last year they accuse him of stealing 50,000 and sell the company out from under him.
Is their some truth to this? Don't take your H's word for it that there's not. His own mom groomed him to take over the company and then basically fired him, that points to your H having done something very nefarious. And now he's doing this to you, seems to be a pattern there.
Ok I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’m spinning and scared. Not to sound too defensive, I deactivated it a couple months ago and happened to log into it last night (I accidentally reactivated it with one of those stupid “Login with Facebook” options on an app )and had to go back in to deactivate it again. Yes, the mistake was when I clicked on his stupid profile.
Was feeling kinda ok until that. It was just kind of a shot to the heart just when I was feeling ok. I’m definitely not chasing or persuing. I don’t really feel like having that rejection in my life right now. I think I saw him for maybe ten minutes in the past two weeks and texted maybe 3-4 times about our dog? That’s about it.
As far as the money stealing goes, I definitely know he didn’t do it because it was a miscount and they found the money after they redid their math (why that wasn’t the first solution, and not accusing, I don’t know) HOWEVER does my H have the audacity to lie about spending and taking money? Absolutely. He did “borrow” (steak) $2,000 from work and I didn’t even know about it till he got caught and told me we owe his office the money. That was a socker, and relatively recent. But not the only time. He really wanted to buy a brand new snowmobile because his friend bought one too. I negotiated buying a used one for now because we really didn’t have the money. What does he do? He goes behind my back and buys a brand new $30,000 snowmobile anyway and doesn’t tell me about it. I have to hear about it from my neighbors a week later. So money issues, yes. Not sure what that says about him.
Ok I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’m spinning and scared. Not to sound too defensive, I deactivated it a couple months ago and happened to log into it last night (I accidentally reactivated it with one of those stupid “Login with Facebook” options on an app )and had to go back in to deactivate it again. Yes, the mistake was when I clicked on his stupid profile.
I understand, we all do it! It's like having a sore in your mouth and you know not to touch it with your tongue or it'll hurt, but you find yourself doing it anyway. That's OK just learn from it and keep moving forward!
Quote
As far as the money stealing goes, I definitely know he didn’t do it because it was a miscount and they found the money after they redid their math (why that wasn’t the first solution, and not accusing, I don’t know)
There's just something that sounds very fishy about it, like maybe there was other activity that already had then on high alert? I'm just looking for signs of MLC because usually there's a pattern if you look back, signs that at first didn't seem like anything but bad judgment but when you start adding them together you see it differently.
Quote
I negotiated buying a used one for now because we really didn’t have the money. What does he do? He goes behind my back and buys a brand new $30,000 snowmobile anyway and doesn’t tell me about it. I have to hear about it from my neighbors a week later.
Woah. Yeah, like that. That is a classic MLCer move there. I'm not saying he is in MLC, but sometimes if it waddles and quacks like a duck....
Feeling a lot better than I did a couple days ago. I like the up days.
I got invited to a friends birthday "party" just some pizza and beer. I kinda went back and forth about whether or not I should go. I didn't want H to feel like he couldn't go because I would be there. But in the end, they're my friends too and if he's not gonna go just for fear of running into me, than thats his own issue to sort out. He briefly came home yesterday, for about 10 minutes again, and asked if I would be going and I told him I would. Then I asked him if he would be going as well? I got a quick response of "No I have other plans" and then he left. This is a group of friends that we've hung out with for the past 6 years, and its a "couples" group so I can see why he is kind of avoiding it. But at the same time, some of the people in that group he's been friends with since he was 14 and he's been avoiding them too. I think it's all part of his self reinvention. Its just kind of sad to see him drop his old friends for his new ones, but thats his choice.
I also hung out with his step mother last night. She seems to think there isn't an affair based on how often he's at her house hanging out with his dad. His dad tries to get him to open up about it but he just responds with "I just don't think I can fix what happened right now" Which is fair. He's in a personal internal crisis. Its gonna take time for him to sort these things out. He's still in the part where he's avoiding his problems so, its going to be a minute. Everyday I understand a little bit more about why I just need to keep walking in the opposite direction.
I am really sorry to hear what has happened, and I am no good at advice . But I kinda checked out of my relationship in the same way your husband has . I think you should focus on you and if he sees you being happy and fun to be around it may draw him back , but it sounds like he has things he can’t express , understand or share . Us humans are funny things no ?
1 Week from move date. Getting pretty excited. I don't think it helps for my H to "see me" having fun, I deleted my FB account and he doesn't follow me on my instagram, he hasn't been home for almost a month and rarely talks to me SO he doesn't really have any idea what I'm up to. Its pretty safe to say he's moving in the direction of moving on. Or he's doing some real deep thinking, I don't really know or care honestly.
So some people on this site would probably advise me that this is a bad idea, but I did end up going on a few dates. Nothing serious obviously because I'm moving out of the state in a week, just casual drinks. But it honestly I was kind of eye opening and helpful to push me more in the direction of letting go. I was stuck in the mind set of "theres only him for me, I only had one future and he was in it, he was the best, etc" but after I went on these dates it was like oh wow, there are other nice guys on the planet I don't have to be so hung up on someone who doesn't even want me anymore. So that was good. Feeling a lot better about myself. Having a lot of girl time with my friends.
I can feel that I am changing and even one of my friends pointed out to me "I've never seen you like this before, I love it" that I just seemed more happy and positive and having fun. I could tell when I was married that I was kind of uptight and I've always struggled with anxiety (that was one of the issues my H had with me was that social situations made me anxious). Since this all happened I've been working to tone my anxiety way down and its actually working really well.
Probably won't post much after this because I don't suspect things to get any better or change. He'll probably just mail me the divorce papers and that will be that. From the guy who couldn't even be bothered to try.
