He's even saying weird things (that aren't necessarily important but makes me wonder what happened to his memory) like "I didn't know you drank red wine!" ...we've been together for ten years... We've drank many bottles of red wine together. Or commenting on a pair of headphones that he didn't know I owned when he was there when I bought them.
Oh yes, that's my ex too. Stories we used to laugh about before BD like "Oh remember that time you did XYZ" she has completely forgotten now. It's weird. Even stuff we talked about for decades is suddenly zapped from her mind. We talk here about how it's like an alien personality has been implanted in the body of our old spouse but man it is true in so many ways. They are often not who they used to be.
Well that happened to me when I was into the fog. I don´t have memories of many things. The fog is real, it wrecks minds. Things I did, things I said. Things OW put into my mind to be delivered to W. Really a f@cked period of my life..
Alienation, inexcusable alienation.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Should have made plans this past weekend because I definitely fell into the rabbit hole of loneliness and abandonments and "what ifs". I guess I have to be proud that its the exception to the rule and for the most part I've been successful in changing my attitude and my outlook, which was a part of my 180 plan, to not be so critical and negative. Next week I will be better and make plans to go out.
Despite that, H seems to still move farther and farther from me. I think he just got so used to living a parallel life from me that this doesn't seem any different to him. The avoidance just continues. I think I saw him briefly (like 5 minutes) last week and haven't seen or heard from him since. Reading these posts that other people have written and taking advice from my mom has really helped. My mother (the DB) gave me some really good advice. She told me that regardless of how I change and better my life and move on, he may never do the same. He may be so far gone in this version of himself that he can't pull it back and reconcile it with the person that he was before. And its not my fault and there isn't anything I can do about it. I can't wait around for it hoping that it will happen and crying about it if it doesn't.
He's not the man I married anymore. He's rewriting history. He's even saying weird things (that aren't necessarily important but makes me wonder what happened to his memory) like "I didn't know you drank red wine!" ...we've been together for ten years... We've drank many bottles of red wine together. Or commenting on a pair of headphones that he didn't know I owned when he was there when I bought them. Just weird stuff like that that I chalk up to him wearing the blinders on his life right now and choosing to only see what he wants to see.
Just a few more weeks here folks, and I'll be on my way
This sounds like gaslighting.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks guys. Yes maybe gaslighting. Early on when this was all in the early stages of falling apart I recalled to him something awful he said to me in an argument just one week prior that made me cry in a restaurant and I had to step out. He had zero recollection of ever even having an argument according to him, I just stormed out of the restaurant upset for no reason. So yeah maybe it’s gaslighting to make me think everything is my fault or maybe it’s the fog.
Thanks neffer, it’s reassuring knowing that I’m not crazy and this is something that’s actually happening. I’ll have to go through and read your past posts. I’ve also heard the ILYBNILWY and I haven’t felt I loved you for a year (even though it sure seemed like it)
ya those both hurt to hear Lost . I have heard both. I even heard looking back Im not sure I ever really loved you at all. Then later she said she never said that.
still don't know if my w situation if its ww,waw,or some crisis honestly.
still don't know if my w situation if its ww,waw,or some crisis honestly.
Same, I can't tell if my H is a WAS or MLC. He kind of shows signs of both. Is there a possibility that they're just somewhere in the middle?
Journaling..
Started writing a pros/cons list to make me feel a little better about whats happening. Heres the rough draft
Pros -he loved me, and I genuinely felt it up until recently -he was kind (up until recently) -he was my best friend, and for a long time I felt I could be myself with him
Cons -we don't want the same things, I’m ready for a family and our own home-- he “wont be ready for that for at least another 5 years, minimum, maybe more” -He has no ambition. As in, when I’ve asked him to look into the future with me and where do we see ourselves and his answer is always “I don’t know” -he cant put down his phone to pay attention to me, even when I directly ask him to. Even when I’ve literally spoken the words “I’m just asking for a little of your attention” in which I’m met with anger and frustration -I’m in charge of all the housework, even when I ask for help he wont help me or he’ll do it for the three seconds I’m in the room and the second I walk away he stops. -He’s terrible with money and I feel we’re financially moving nowhere -I feel like because of this, he holds me back and tells me I cant go back to school because we cant afford it -He criticizes me about my social anxiety and the criticism has gotten more frequent. (one of the parts of myself I’m working on) -He has a slight drinking problem -He’s emotionally unavailable, and has been for a long time. Which sometimes makes me question the genuine love I listed in the pros.
This probably isn't a great way to think, but its kind of getting me through this separation period. Maybe we just aren't meant to be and we kept pushing for it anyway? Maybe thats a piece to all this. I'm sure he's got a big pros and cons list for me too, so I'm not going to pretend this is all on him.
