Well I had been having a good couple of days recently and W called me and told me she had switched her direct deposit of her paycheck to her own bank account. We had discussed this previously and had agreed to it without setting a time frame. Now that she has done it, I'm spiraling a little. I know I mentioned this before, but I feel like it's just one step closer to getting D. Recently I have been having more good days than bad thinking that I would be ok with us getting D, but others days it crushes me to think about. I know that's just part of the journey we're all on, but it [censored].
Money struggles were always an issue during our M. We were never struggling to make ends meet, but W and I have a very different relationship with money and it caused issues with us. I am very cognizant of what we were spending and she spent liberally and whenever I brought it up it caused problems. I do wonder if her wanting to separate the finances is her way of dealing with the issues from our M.
I know it's a long journey, but to me this feels like a huge step toward the end of our M. On the other hand, she still has yet to bring up anything related to a formal separation agreement or anything else related to pushing this thing forward. I know Steve says WAW are usually lazy when it comes to the work of actually going through with D. I kind of see that with her. She says she's done with me and our M, but does nothing to move it forward. I guess I'm just tired of the limbo. I'm almost five months in to this, which I know is not that long, but it feels like an eternity. I think I would almost feel better if she would make a definitive decision one way or another, but I know it will take some time for her to get there. I'm going to continue standing for our M, but I almost wish she would make a decision one way or the other.
Don't worry about her getting that bank account, it means nothing. And you can't do a thing about it, so focus your energy somewhere else right this instant. Go run, go play a game, go to a friends house, go watch a game. Quit worrying about how she is dealing with the issues from the marriage. She is in a world of emotion right now too. You're 5 months into limbo. I'm 11 months into it. Check out MLC board, some are further than that by far. Take advantage of limbo.
I understand you want to know and you want to know now, but it aint happening, so you have to accept that and move on. How's your kids? How's your GAL? Are you still pursuing or pressuring your W?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
(((RVA))) My H did the same thing in late December and claimed it was a time frame we had agreed on. A conversation I do not recall having. Anyway...I know this is tough RVA but honestly, it might be a good thing if she tends to overspend. In my sitch, my H had already hit me with a formal SA so the separating of the finances was an obvious next step. Try to have some patience and work on yourself. You can't worry about what this means...it will be what it will be and you don't have any control over what she is doing. I wish I had figured that out sooner. I understood it on an intellectual level but almost everything I did the first couple months fell under the category of pursuit and only pushed my H further away. Now he might as well be in another country. Please, please, please listen to the advice of the people on here. If you are going to have a chance at saving your M, it is vital. Anything you intuitively want to do, you should NOT do. And do NOT try to convince yourself otherwise. It will only backfire in the end. Focus on you and doing your 180s and GAL activities. You will be glad you did. (((HUGS)))
I understand you want to know and you want to know now, but it aint happening, so you have to accept that and move on. How's your kids? How's your GAL? Are you still pursuing or pressuring your W?
The kids are actually doing pretty well. They adapted to the transition and have fallen into a routine. S5 has memorized the trade off schedule so he knows exactly what will be going on and when. The boys and I have definitely become closer through this, as we've been spending way more quality time together. GAL is going well, I've been running more, hanging out with friends, checked out a few new restaurants in the city. I think I'm going to take the boys to DC this weekend.
I have stopped the pursuit and pressure. When my sitch first started I pursued and pressured like a mad man. We now basically only talk about the boys and logistics. We haven't had any talks about R in almost two months. It has definitely helped both of us as our interactions are much more pleasant than they used to be.
Well today has not gone well. W stopped by to drop some things off and told me she had gotten an attorney and is working on a property settlement agreement. I was totally blind sided and the conversation didn't go very well. I got very emotional and angry. I think it was because I had no idea it was coming. I obviously wish I had been stronger but it hurt to be blind sided once again. She left and we haven't spoken since.
The rich part is that she said she did it to help me because I told her I wouldn't lift a finger to move the process along. She couldn't understand that it was not helpful to me to do something I didn't want
You have already gotten some excellent advice, so I am not going to give you the basics again about GAL, 180 and doing you, because you know that is what must happen, and the sooner the better.
I am going to tell you something, that you do not want to acknowledge, and if you did, you would have reacted completely different to the conversation you had today - And I am not saying this to hurt you in any way, it is my only intention to help you.
So, your wife, the person you want to move mountains for, because your glasses are rose tinted as of now (they are because we all wear those glasses in the beginning, no matter if we want to admit it or not, and they are really hard to take off, because that is the same as letting go), she is no more. I want you to understand, that this is the hardest thing, you will most likely ever do, but the faster you do it, the better you will feel, so do the following:
The GAL, the 180s the reflection on yourself, these are all to better yourself, to become the potential that you possess but somehow along the line, you let slide and maybe you ended up complacent? I know many of us did, and took things for granted. Now you want her to know, that you can change, that you can do all the things that she needed, but heres the catch: She is not interested anymore. You are fired, and ALL actions towards her will be seen as pursuit. So dont. Instead do it for yourself. Be the man only a fool would leave. Show her, but not FOR her, but FOR you. She might never leave the fog, and if you sit around, doing things for her to come back, you are wasting your life.
Instead you need to work on you for you, and in time, you will be detached, you will feel happy, you will be inspired to do new things to experience new adventures. Maybe you will find someone more compatible to accompany you on this journey down the line, but you need to love your self in order to love others fully.
Work on you my friend. She fired you, im sorry, but thats a fact, so honestly it doesnt matter if she separates the finances, if she push for selling the house, or if it ends in a divorce. Its all paperwork and material stuff, its not the end, its just a bump on the road towards a better life for you and her, but maybe not together - I dont know, but nothing is impossible my friend.
Be good to yourself, and let her come to you if she chooses, and if not, then be awesome, love yourself, because you will attract what you project, so project awsomeness - be the V8 Power boat .
/h
BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018. EA: June 2018 PA: August 2018 - ongoing Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
Really appreciate the advice. I think I realized today that I've been making changes in the hopes that she would return. After talking with her today, I realize that right now nothing I do matters to her so I need to focus on making the changes for me and my future with or without her. I have definitely been making strides on my 180s. These included spending more quality time with my boys and getting help with my anger.
I felt recently I had been doing a good job being detached. I wasn't letting the things she said or did bother me. I think the reason I reacted so poorly today was the fact that I was blind sided by the settlement agreement and her hiring an attorney. We hadn't discussed this at all until today.
The last month or so I had been feeling ok with where things are. Part of that, I think, comes from my holding onto hope that we might one day reconcile. This had been the cycle for me since BD, I feel like I'm moving forward, but then I get this twinge of hope that things are getting better. Then W crushes those hopes by saying there's no chance for us or she blind sides with the settlement agreement. I feel like once we sign that agreement it's over and there's no coming back. I know at this point I need to accept that I've been fired as H, but it's hard. Maybe signing the agreement will be the kick in the a$$ I need to become fully detached.
I know I deserve better than what I'm getting right now from W. I'm already seeing positive results from my 180s and my GAL and attempting the become a man only a fool would leave. I'm going to a great partner for whomever I'm with he it my W or someone else. I'm trying to get closer to acceptance that it may never be my W.
Looking for some advice. I read over the separation agreement today and had some ideas. If this ends I will be keeping the house and can assume the loan rather than refinancing so I won't have the cash to buy her out of her half. My thought was rather than pay her cash I would allow her to claim the children on her taxes for X number of years to make up for what I can't pay her in cash right now. Does anybody have any thoughts on this?
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