I wouldn't respond. I would go about my business and if he continues to talk about it, just listen, but do not beg him to stay or try to convince him that he needs to think about it. I want to share my experience because it was before I found this site.
My xh moved out on a moment's notice and returned 3 days later. He lived at home for 7 months acting out and reverted to a 12 yr old. Whenever I would ask him to do something, he would threaten me with "I'm thinking of moving out". Now, my requests were about taking the car in for an oil change on his day off while I was working, i.e., this such as this...nothing out of the norm. I would always thank him, but he just figured he would threaten to get me to stop asking him. So, one day, I asked him to do something at half time of a football game and here he comes with that moving out stuff again, but this time, he was thinking about doing it after Christmas. My response by this time was "whatever" and continued on about my business. Monday evening, when I got home from work, I told him that we needed to discuss his comments from the previous day. He had completely forgotten his threat. I told him that if he wanted to move out that he should do it now and not after Christmas as I did not want this uncertainty hanging over everyone's head throughout the holidays. He sat there and cried like a baby and when I asked why he was doing that, he replied that he was so confused and didn't know what to do. I told him that if my spouse opened the door and gave me my freedom, I would pack my bag and run like heck. He didn't respond. So, for two weeks he moped around and couldn't understand why I wasn't begging him to stay and I replied that I wasn't the one that wanted to move out...he was. It took two weeks for him to finally get up the nerve to leave before I got home. Once he left, he let me know when he got a place to live and I told him I was glad he was not homeless. He remained friendly until I have draft separation papers drawn up to his specifications....from that point on, he became a very angry man.
I have never, ever regretted opening the door and shoving him out. I rediscovered myself, knew where the money was going and I wasn't wondering each and every day he was off who he was with and what he was doing. His lead into crisis was questionable. He became very good at lying and hiding money and I discovered he was meeting women from chat rooms for over a year. So, when he left, I could finally leave the eggshells behind and put my life back together again and found peace knowing that I didn't have to deal w/his antics day in and day out.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Kate11, You've gotten some great advice above, I agree with other posters. I read somewhere once people do this, they've already decided to move out, even though actions and notes and daily interactions seem inconsistent. I want to say that yes, I got a note too. I ignored it. XH then texted it and said that I'd ignored the note and 'wasn't listening that he was moving out'. In my case, it wasn't an R talk he wanted (and we never did) he wanted me to become angry about it and start a fight, which he would then use to justify moving out. Be careful of this behavior. As I became more calm and neighborlike, the angrier he became that there was nothing he could point to to justify his leaving. Then he just found other things to try to get me to blow up about to justify his actions.
The other day he said he'd wished he'd never moved out. He totally forgets how he11 bent he was on leaving! He doesn't even remember the note. It's devastating to you now, but for me it was good, looking back. I couldn't have gal-ed with his very depressed person loafing around, texting all the time.
Last edited by job; 02/07/1901:26 PM. Reason: added spaces between paragraphs
I'll add a bit more, because I feel our sitches are very similar in many ways. Like you i didn't know about any affair, but as everyone says here, assume it is true, whether EA or PA doesn't really matter. With my XH, she was the fantasy, the texting partner making him feel appreciated and strong and good, he loved the attention. The only way he was going to wake up was a) to actually be with her in some reality that involved realizing she didn't pick up a mop or make dinner or anything, really and b) realizing what he was about to lose (in my case, lost). You can't control either of these things! Maybe the faster he gets to it the better- let him go, let him meet his new reality. You take care of self and kids. GAL, etc. He might have a long road ahead of him to get there, you not being the problem, not being the one to blame can happen, over time. Be patient, listen to the vets. Patience is key. I remember reading on here how long it can take MLCers to come out of tunnel, if ever? Job scared me with her numbers. Take care.
One of the hardest things I am finding about my situation is that even if he moves out we can never just move on independently because we have children together. And young children to boot! That means we will have to see each other and often. It's something I think he doesn't realize at all. I can tell that he wants to run away from me/our life but unless he completely abandons our children (which, at this moment, I don't think he will) he is still stuck seeing me. At every life event (big and small) of our kids. I have this horrible picture in my head of every event in their lives being marred by the horrible awkwardness of their torn apart family. Mom here. Dad over there. Both of us there but never together. Forever. I think that my husband doesn't realize that this is the life he is trying to condemn all of us too.
That being said, I do realize that I can't make him understand this. I can't make him do or see anything. I am trying to keep the door open for reconciliation. I would like for him to come to his senses before he shatters our kids by moving out. I know that is unlikely though.
My husband took off the day after BD for a week and I read the Divorce Remedy immediately during that week. So, aside from the crying that definitely occurred during BD I have never cried, begged, pleaded, followed, yelled or tried to talk about any of this. I gather this is somewhat unusual. I hope that it is helpful in the long run. It's so different that other situations I read where everyone says they did all the wrong things and then DB'd and they could see a difference. I have no compare/contrast available to DBing and not DBing. Has anyone ever DB'd right from day 1?
I appreciate the wisdom of all of the veterans here and the time you are taking to share it with me.
Right now the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence. He thinks that by leaving you, the children and home, that life will be better. He is seeking freedom, fun and yes, even experimenting with the life of a teenager/young adult that he thinks that he missed out on. They don't think of the consequences of their actions at this time. All they want to do is run fast and far away.
I hope that I am wrong, but if he does move out, he will distance himself from you first, then the children, pets and home and his family and friends. He will see the children, but it won't be like it is today. He will whine about money and become very selfish w/money and his time w/his "past life". All he wants to do is have fun and have no responsibilities at all.
If you have not done so, start squirreling money away, purchase gift cards that you can use later. Watch your bank and credit card statements. You may even want to look over your phone bills. It's better to be prepared when they start orbiting earth in the crisis.
I hope he comes to his senses, but it sounds like he's been thinking about moving out for quite some time. Listen to what he says and if he wants you to respond, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way". He needs to figure things out for himself and right now, he looks at you as an authority figure (mom to his being a son).
kate, I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Continue as you have been, come here for support and advice. Just remember, he will try to push your buttons to justify him walking and feeling the way he does. Do not take that bait...leave it on the hook for him to ponder why you aren't.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Kate11, I feel like I could have written most of your posts -- at least the part about your fears. This about you imagining all the life events, that is me.
All I can say is that I have had some peace with it now. I wrote about this in a post on my thread last night. The point is that all we can do on this Earth is stay in God's will. God's will is the same for you no matter what your circumstances are, and even when terrible evil is done to you and your children, you can keep walking in the light, and you will have a lot of peace from that, even if you are carrying a heavy sorrow and burden for your kids and for your H. That is a kind of DB that will allow you to not think about strategizing too much.
But then when you get confused, you can use what you learn here to figure out the daily intricacies of survival through this, and to get reminded that there is nothing you can do to change him, when you think you can. These two systems combined have gotten me through almost six years and counting. And I still have hope. Not delusion. Real hope. And I am even looking forward to some time apart if my H ever actually moves his fanny out of here.
What it will do to my kids is extremely difficult to make peace with. But if he wants to go and he doesn't, you could end up in a situation like mine where it starts to seem that it would be better for the kids to have a more peaceful household -- because remember, most kids see a lot of misery and tension when a spouse moves out, but yours will see more peace and they will see you continue to be kind to your H. That is life changing. They will see you standing for your M even when he moves out, and to see how you handle his rejection with grace -- including at those events! And to see you continue to invite him to those events! These things are very powerful acts of mercy and grace for your kids to witness.
There are many many stories of spouses leaving and then returning one day. You can see a lot of testimonies at Rejoice's site. Sometimes reading them is too difficult for me, but mostly I do read them so I will remember that anything is possible esp with God.
As HB always said, where there is love, there is hope!
Last edited by Gerda; 02/07/1901:44 PM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Kate, I also could have written what you wrote word for word. All you can do right now is try to focus on you and your kids and to act in way that fits with your values and beliefs and honours the love you had and still have for your H. Try to stay in the present and not spend too much time predicting the future. Life is full of twists and turns...you don’t know how things will turn out. (((HUGS)))
Kate, the folks here will provide you with much wisdom. I am in the middle of a situation very similar, as most here have been themselves..
You are both torn apart. The difference is that you possess logic and reason. He does not. He is filling his thoughts with emotion, fantasy and only for the very short term future. That is his portal, whether it is healthy or not. He will do things you never thought possible, clothes, working out, spending, etc.... some go on to do drugs or abandon their families in order to live out what was missed.
The best you can do is 'do for yourself.' He is now selfish, narcissistic and is doing everything for HIM and HIM only.
If you seek reconciliation, I suggest one of the coaches on this site. I had success with them. If nothing else, you will learn important life lessons, learn about yourself and some human management skills. Stuff you will carry forward in your personal and professional life. I had an early reconciliation (2 months after BD). It lasted about 6 weeks and ended in catastrophic failure.
This takes time. I don't know how long but plan for a long haul (years).
Do not engage in emotional talks. He will try to troll you into battles to justify why he is leaving. Deflect, ignore and use phrases like "that must be difficult for you" or "I'm sorry you feel that way."
Do not get caught up in what he says. Believe nothing. Watch his actions and buy into half of those.
Do for yourself. Be a person only a fool would leave. In the end, you will grow and be ready to move on, in one way or another.
Pour yourself in to your children. Get help from family and friends. They don't need details and are gold mines of support. He will likely surround himself with yes men who support (or are ignorant of) his fantasy. My W has abandoned her entire family, so that may happen as well.
It is a bumpy, emotional ride. Feelings come and go. With time, they will space out and you will be more level. Please continue to reach out to the folks here. They are invaluable and deeply care. You can PM me as well if you need anything.
