I originally posted about my situation back in 2015. I read Michelle's books, been following forums from the sidelines, worked with a coach, and went to therapy with my husband. Short story - We were married 28 years when I discovered his affair with a younger woman. He moved out 3 years ago. During this time, we tried off and on to work on things, but his heart was never really into it (even though for some time we continued to sleep together - there is a huge physical attraction). Last Christmas, I'd had enough and said I was done. I pretty much cut off all contact except for conversations related to the kids and house. We saw each other a few times at family events. A few months ago, I asked him about proceeding with the divorce and he said to leave things status quo. This is perfectly fine with me as he pays for everything (I control all the accounts) and I get free health insurance. As far as I know, he is still seeing the other woman. And I've been going on with my life. Traveled, starting trying to date, all in all doing much better and starting to think I'm better off without him. (Although I still think about him frequently.) Well... the other day he came over to pick up some stuff before an overseas trip and gave me a huge passionate kiss. I asked what he was doing and he said he wanted to kiss me since he was going away and would see me when he returns. I'm floored. Is it possible that my version of the Last Resort worked? I don't know what to do. I've often thought about whether or not I could possibly take him back - but I don't think he has what it takes to actually work on things and make me feel special. On the other hand, I haven't had much luck meeting anyone else. I'm afraid to sleep with him as it will open up old wounds. I also feel he's playing with my emotions. I'd love suggestions for how to proceed when he returns. Thanks!
I never wanted the marriage to end and was willing to do anything to save it. But I spent the past 9 months convincing myself that it was over and started focusing on all his negatives as a self preservation mechanism. To some extent it worked. I don't know how to bounce back, even though I want to. And if I am to follow DB approach, how do I handle this latest turn of events? I think I need to tell him that I won't put up with being manipulated. I refuse to go back on the roller coaster. I also want to tell him what I want from a marriage and if he can't provide those things then I'm fine with a divorce. But will all that scare him away?
[censored] his bullshit you sound like an extremely intelligent and wonderful person I think you should shut him off completely do not let him kiss your mouth out of his guilt. Get strong and GAL because you can do that easily. I wish you all the best don't take any crap. He is cake eating.
He is eating cake. Do not let him. When he is ready to R you will know. He will make it crystal clear. Do not allow anymore passionate kisses AND NO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM.
Stay NC. Let him do all the work. You will know when he has changed when his actions are consistent over a long period of time. Believe nothing he says and only half of what he does.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Steve. I think that's what I needed to hear. In my heart, I do want him back but I need him to prove to me that he can take the right steps. So what do I do if he initiates the relationship discussion? Do I lay my cards on the table right away or just listen?
Normally the answer is listen and validate. However, your sitch is in the advance stages, so I would say, lay those cards on the table. Set the expectation. He'll either eventually get on board and do it right. Or he won't.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
That's what I'm thinking. I just want to be prepared for the conversation. Who knows, I may be reading too much into the kiss. For now, I'm proceeding with what I've been doing in terms of GAL. This event side tracked me and I need to stop thinking about it.
