Back Again

[Jim1234]

From my perspective, the hardest thing you're going to have to deal with is lack of detachment. It's hard to detach when you see/interact with her every day. As long as you're still attached, you're plan "B". No one wants to go with plan B. I don't have any answers as to how to do that. GAL helps.

[Shrike]

From my perspective, the hardest thing you're going to have to deal with is lack of detachment. It's hard to detach when you see/interact with her every day. As long as you're still attached, you're plan "B". No one wants to go with plan B. I don't have any answers as to how to do that. GAL helps.

I re-read the detachment post after you replied with this and you are correct I am having a very hard time with:

"The Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

And:

Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life."

I feel as if I am doing well with the rest of the list. But those two parts have a profound affect on me through out the day. For almost 7 months now. I have been unable to let go of her.

I have GAL, I have been doing every 180. I have validated my brains out. But I am still unable to protect myself from her emotionally. I am still allowing what she does to have power over me and my thoughts. I don't like it. I do want it to go away, but I remember from the first time around being told this was like a broken arm, and that I would have to let it heal.

Keep being mindful of myself. Change my reality with purposeful and consistent action. Raise my children. And eventually get to where she doesn't have the ability to affect me like that anymore.

My mistake the first time was rushing to take her back the instant she asked. No questions, no boundaries, nothing worked on. I do not want that to happen again.

[neffer]

So you must let her go, but not like the first break up. You must go on with your life and she must know that. No more cake eating. Game is over. It’s gonna be her loss and she must face that reality. She has a long road to ride to mend your MR.

You need to be strong and face your fears.

[Jim1234]

I have been unable to let go of her.

My threads are long and probably pretty boring. There's no need for you to read them, but to summarize, I have/had a hard time letting go, too. Our D has dragged on a long time, and I've found those periods where I have less contact with her are the times I gain the most emotional distance. You are seeing her every day, so it's going to be hard for you, too.
Eventually, you will get to a point where you are just tired of being in limbo, and are ready to move on. You are doing most things right, and it will just take time.

[Shrike]

Trying to get some stuff out of my head.

had a pretty big step backwards this week. dropping kids off with her Monday night at her place, was waiting for her to get home. she had told me the night before that it was ok to do so.

she gets home and loses it on me. she got passed up by the owner of her restaurant for a bartending job that went to some new girl. and she is crying and screaming about how they only chose her because she had a bigger bra size. how her job was the last place where she felt like she belonged, and how it was where she went to get away and now everything was wrong and she had to quit.

She goes on and on about how no one cares about how she feels. everyone just wants something from her, me included etc etc. That I forced her to take kids that night and she never gets alone time. she goes into how terrible I was in the marriage and how I deserve everything I'm going through. how I'm not a man. that a man takes what he wants but treats his woman with respect. How there's so many other guys out there that will give her exactly what she wants. and some other stuff that I don't really remember. But it just kept coming, on and on, she just beat me down. I basically just listened not really sure how to react. I did not want to validate, because most of the things I felt like where hysteria.


I am aware that I am supposed to be detached and not believe anything she says, and I tried, but that combined with everything else in my life, the depression, taking the kids on alone every night, my daughter struggling in school, her being involved with OM, debt, basically felt like my whole life fell apart. I felt like I had no control over anything. I ended up getting really suicidal and having to go to the emergency department, where I spent 48 hours on a psych ward.

I never really thought I was the type of person that this sort of thing would happen too. My whole family found out, they called her family and called her. She came over crying on Thursday morning but I just had nothing left for her.
I didn't want it to seem like the suicidal thoughts where to guilt her into coming back.

So here I am now, back at work. Trying to focus on myself. I have an apt with a new therapist next week and I'm starting some new anti depressants today. Thoughts of hopelessness still come and go. As do thoughts of her and the life we are leaving behind. Hard to see past all of this. But my family is being super supportive. My mom has been helping with the kids a lot the pass few days, so I am grateful. I just hate that I had to put all of this on them.

Praying to get through this. Thank you all for being another voice of support.

[equalzr]

Ill keep you in my prayers Shrike. I know exactly what your going through, and how tough it is. There are a lot of dark days, but as time goes on more and more good ones will start appearing. Like me, you really have to let her go for now simply tp focus on you. Build the best life for YOU that you can regardless of your sitch with W. Hang in there!

[Davide]

Shrike,

Hang in there. Almost all of us understand how emotionally turbulent this can be under any circumstances. You need to take care of yourself at this point. It sounds like you have the support of your family which is huge. Use them. Be grateful for the support. Meds have helped a lot of people here through tough times, so I hope that they help you get out of the depressive fog. Working with an IC is super helpful as well. You are so young and have a bright future in front of you. You just need to get through this.

[Shrike]

Thank you guys. Sincerely. Reading the encouragement really does help. Knowing others are on the same path, makes it more real. I hate the fact that good people have to go through this too. But, that others are ahead of me on the path, brings some sort of odd comfort, because you can see where I am at behind you and can call back and tell me its ok to keep moving forward.

I am systematically cutting her out of my life and will reduce the amount of time I have to see her to hopefully only once or twice a week. I will be here for my children and getting caught up in everything doesn't allow me to do that.

I never want to feel that low again. But I will be better prepared if it does happen. I wanted to do this without medication. But several people I talked to, told me all it can do is help. I have a history of depression, but this takes the cake.

I am trying to figure out why this is so much harder the second time.

I know this is a process, I know that this cant last forever. But dang is this painful journey.

[Jim1234]

It sounds like its been a really tough week for you. It's not fair, it's painful. But it will get better. Some days will be worse, but the overall trend will get better.

My only advice is when your W goes on a rant and you can't validate, and she's blaming you for everything wrong in her life, you don't have to listen. Just leave.

Take care of your self.

[Shrike]

Update I guess. Been a while. I had been basically no contact with her, unless it was about the kids or shared debt/money. Psychiatrist is still working with me to find a medication that she thinks will help me the most.

Last night she had mentioned she wanted to talk to me and so while she picked up the kids I listened to what she had to say. It did not go as I had hoped. But I suppose as I suspected it would.

Basically more of the same. I think she has a lot of healing to go through as well and just inst there.

She said that she doesn't see herself being happy if she were to come back to me. That what I bring to the table isn't attractive to her. My life and what I bring to a relationship is too much work for her, and not something she wants to be a part of.

She cant forget or forgive me for ''abandoning'' her with our second child.

All of our marriage was a waste of time to her. 10 years just thrown out. It was all bad to her. Nothing good came of it. And she cant open herself up to more of that with me. Its all she sees when she looks at me.

The only time she really loved me was when we were dating.

Our sex life was boring for her and she was never satisfied. She did the things she did with other men, because she just wanted to feel loved.