Hi everyone, I’m new here and I apologize in advance for the long post- a bit about my story...
Almost 2 months ago (on the last day of vacation) my wife of 2.5yrs said she doesn’t want to be married anymore. We are 31 and have been together on and off for 10 years. We broke up for a couple months at the end of college and then for a year - it’s been about 6 yrs since. Both breakups were driven by her bc she wasn’t having fun...She stated we are too different, there is no spark, and she doesn’t have fun/isn’t herself around me. She added that she doesn’t like my family (they had a fight earlier in the year due to something my wife did but they always treated her great otherwise). As you can expect, this destroyed me.
I started doing what I shouldn’t, making a logical case as to why we can fix this and should remain together. Spoke about the good times and what we could do to get out if our funk and have more fun. I offered up couples counseling as we owed it to ourselves and the marriage to see if we could help the situation. She said ok but it may have just been to let me down easier.
She is right in that she is more adventurous than I am and maybe I lost my focus, but anything I did was for us - landscaping, most cooking, household shopping for us and our puppy. We both have busy jobs - she’s in medical sales and I’m in finance (commuting to NYC). She also doesn’t deal with stress well. The spark is a legitimate issue that she’s mentioned a couple times before. We should have talked more openly about this and would go way too long without being romantic, sleeping on diff ends of bed, her sleeping on couch bc puppy was crying, or laying down on separate sofas. I owned up to this ,but it’s not one sided- she could have tried harder too (she wants me to initiate).
Ever since she said she doesn’t know if she wants to be married, a wall has come up and we are basically in an in-house separation. She keeps herself busy out of the house on weekends with friends and family. We don’t talk much in the house besides stuff around the dog or whether she wants dinner- I push the vast majority of conversation, and we sleep in different rooms.
We have been to therapy for 4 sessions and it hasn’t really helped. She isn’t truly trying even thought she’s clearly holding back emotion/has cried (still has reiterated she wants a divorce despite therapist trying to keep her open minded) and in the last one she told the therapist she doesn’t really like her and doesn’t think she listens to her. Throughout therapy, I admitted to most responsibility- more than deserved, until the latest session when I said I just want us both to be happy, whether together or apart. Mentioned that she should have told me about being upset a long time ago and that I was frustrated bc this could have been fixed before it was too late. She apologized for that. I said maybe we should do separate sessions going forward as it may be better to work on each other and we have our best days after therapy..
For the most part it’s BAU in the house aside from Wednesday after therapy where we go out for drinks and have a good time- sometimes talking about what we did wrong to get us here. I am mostly taking care of the house and dog, as she has partially given up. Any time it seems slightly warmer, it goes the other way. Last week I thought things lightened up slightly until she went off that she can’t believe my family hasn’t reached out to her (her grandmother wrote me a nice letter) and it only reaffirms her decision and shows how disconnected we are. She said what are you holding on to let’s sell the house and get divorced. Not sure if the blowup was related to pressure from her family for doing this + me acting as if I was happy.. who knows.
I’ve been reading a lot and have tried the 180 for a little while- been doing things to improve myself and stay busy. I’m in my best shape since college (she has noticed and weirdly mentioned that she told her friend of course he will find someone he’s a catch- and it will bother her ....but not enough apparently) At first she may have thought the changes were on purpose - things she wanted to do like concerts and late nights with friends in the city that I usually don’t do as I try to get home to her. I was clear I may have in college but I’m doing this bc it makes me happy and it’s unrelated to her.
It’s been awhile now and I guess I’m hoping for the best still but losing hope...thanks for listening.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
JCQ50, sorry you are here but welcome to the board. Great group of folks with valuable insight.
First, stop MC. Being in MC with someone that isn't invested in the MR is a waste of money. Keep going to IC. Don't even bother her about IC.
Second, pay heed to all of the reading from Cadet, and his advice in his response. Your motto should be "Let her go to get her back."
That means stopping all pressure and pursuit. Back way off. She has essentially fired you from being her H so stop all husbandly actions. Do not do her laundry. Cook only for you. Stop cleaning up after her no matter how bad it bothers you. Be busy from the minute you get up until the minute you go to bed. Even in house, you are busy busy busy.
Do not start conversations with her. If she starts one participate but do not be overly eager. Read sandi's rules every day. Study them. Learn them. Know them. LIVE THEM!
Keep 180ing on any destructive behavior. If you were controlling, stop. If you are a yeller, stop yelling. But also stop taking all of the blame. it takes two to tango and she is as much a reason for the failure of the marriage as you are.
GAL. Sounds like you are doing this. Ramp it up. Don't tell her where you are, or what you are doing. If she questions you then you answer with "I was out." Remember, she is firing you, you owe her nothing.
Finally, are you sure there isn't an OM? In my experience most Ws don't move on from "a catch" unless there is someone waiting in the wings. It really doesn't change anything you need to do, but just be aware that likely there is someone else, even if just a male confidant that is advising her she should leave you, that she deserves better, etc. An EA essentially.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
JCQ50, sorry you are here but welcome to the board. Great group of folks with valuable insight.
First, stop MC. Being in MC with someone that isn't invested in the MR is a waste of money. Keep going to IC. Don't even bother her about IC.
Second, pay heed to all of the reading from Cadet, and his advice in his response. Your motto should be "Let her go to get her back."
That means stopping all pressure and pursuit. Back way off. She has essentially fired you from being her H so stop all husbandly actions. Do not do her laundry. Cook only for you. Stop cleaning up after her no matter how bad it bothers you. Be busy from the minute you get up until the minute you go to bed. Even in house, you are busy busy busy.
Do not start conversations with her. If she starts one participate but do not be overly eager. Read sandi's rules every day. Study them. Learn them. Know them. LIVE THEM!
Keep 180ing on any destructive behavior. If you were controlling, stop. If you are a yeller, stop yelling. But also stop taking all of the blame. it takes two to tango and she is as much a reason for the failure of the marriage as you are.
GAL. Sounds like you are doing this. Ramp it up. Don't tell her where you are, or what you are doing. If she questions you then you answer with "I was out." Remember, she is firing you, you owe her nothing.
Finally, are you sure there isn't an OM? In my experience most Ws don't move on from "a catch" unless there is someone waiting in the wings. It really doesn't change anything you need to do, but just be aware that likely there is someone else, even if just a male confidant that is advising her she should leave you, that she deserves better, etc. An EA essentially.
Thanks from the advice much appreciated. While I don’t think there is an OM, I can’t be 100% about anything anymore. I do think your 2nd point may be on the money. She mentioned she has had crushes at work etc. I’m sure there are guys who she is attracted to and has hand good enough times where she thinks she has other opportunities at least.
JCQ50, I was in your position for a pretty long time before my husband left. If I had done some things differently I think I could have changed the dynamic of the marriage and we'd most likely still be together although I don't know if we'd be reconciled. Your wife is still there, so there is more hope and more to do while you're still together. Once she leaves it gets harder to reconcile. It seems all of the DB guidelines will help you. As your wife sees your changes and you make real genuine long-term changes then we can all hope she'll see you as an attractive option again. It sounds like you may be feeling defeated because you've already doing that and it hasn't worked yet, but there appears to be a trend and a statement in the DB book that says it takes a long time to fix these kinds or problems. I guess we all expect to make those changes and we'll get fast results but it may not work that way. Other times if the other person wants to leave and we allow them to do so graciously then at least they'll respect us and see we weren't trying to control them so there's a higher chance they'll return later. If you become a roadblock it will further increase resentment. It sounds like you're on the right track.
JCQ50, I was in your position for a pretty long time before my husband left. If I had done some things differently I think I could have changed the dynamic of the marriage and we'd most likely still be together although I don't know if we'd be reconciled. Your wife is still there, so there is more hope and more to do while you're still together. Once she leaves it gets harder to reconcile. It seems all of the DB guidelines will help you. As your wife sees your changes and you make real genuine long-term changes then we can all hope she'll see you as an attractive option again. It sounds like you may be feeling defeated because you've already doing that and it hasn't worked yet, but there appears to be a trend and a statement in the DB book that says it takes a long time to fix these kinds or problems. I guess we all expect to make those changes and we'll get fast results but it may not work that way. Other times if the other person wants to leave and we allow them to do so graciously then at least they'll respect us and see we weren't trying to control them so there's a higher chance they'll return later. If you become a roadblock it will further increase resentment. It sounds like you're on the right track.
Thanks Nicole. You are right in that I’m somewhat defeated. It’s awkward at home and I don’t seem to ben getting very far. But as you said said its a process so I’ll keep it up.
Finally, are you sure there isn't an OM? In my experience most Ws don't move on from "a catch" unless there is someone waiting in the wings. It really doesn't change anything you need to do, but just be aware that likely there is someone else, even if just a male confidant that is advising her she should leave you, that she deserves better, etc. An EA essentially.
Tarzan (WalkAwaySpouse) never lets go of one vine (LeftBehind) until he has a firm grip on another vine (NewPerson).
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
...but anything I did was for us - landscaping, most cooking, household shopping for us and our puppy.
Women are attracted to men that strike a good balance of alpha and beta qualities. It sounds to me like you are very heavy on the beta and light on alpha. That happens to a lot of us in a long-term R and M. Beta is not what attracted her to you in the first place. A big part of turning things around is getting back in touch with who you were when the two of you started dating. You were probably strong, independent and were interested in her but didn't particularly NEED her in your life. Now you are sad, desperate and trying to attract her back by cooking and cleaning and doing laundry. But all of that is very unattractive to her. So get out, GAL, find yourself again. Give her time and space.
Quote
I owned up to this ,but it’s not one sided- she could have tried harder too (she wants me to initiate).
If you haven't read DR please do so. Your W is done (for now), she's not going to try AT ALL. It is completely up to you to put in the effort to try and save things. There's a whole chapter in DR called "It Takes One to Tango" that goes into this.
Quote
I push the vast majority of conversation, and we sleep in different rooms.
Quit pushing conversation on her. Pull back. Do your own thing. Who is sleeping in the master BR? Hopefully you.
Quote
...until she went off that she can’t believe my family hasn’t reached out to her (her grandmother wrote me a nice letter) and it only reaffirms her decision and shows how disconnected we are.
Eh, don't pay any attention to that. They all will bring up the craziest stuff as justification for D. Just listen and validate, nothing more. "You sound very upset that my family hasn't reached out to you, I'm sorry you feel that way."
Quote
She said what are you holding on to let’s sell the house and get divorced.
Tell her you have no intent to sell the house or get divorced. Tell her if that's what she wants then you won't stop her, but she shouldn't expect you to do the work for her.
...but anything I did was for us - landscaping, most cooking, household shopping for us and our puppy.
Women are attracted to men that strike a good balance of alpha and beta qualities. It sounds to me like you are very heavy on the beta and light on alpha. That happens to a lot of us in a long-term R and M. Beta is not what attracted her to you in the first place. A big part of turning things around is getting back in touch with who you were when the two of you started dating. You were probably strong, independent and were interested in her but didn't particularly NEED her in your life. Now you are sad, desperate and trying to attract her back by cooking and cleaning and doing laundry. But all of that is very unattractive to her. So get out, GAL, find yourself again. Give her time and space.
Quote
I owned up to this ,but it’s not one sided- she could have tried harder too (she wants me to initiate).
If you haven't read DR please do so. Your W is done (for now), she's not going to try AT ALL. It is completely up to you to put in the effort to try and save things. There's a whole chapter in DR called "It Takes One to Tango" that goes into this.
Quote
I push the vast majority of conversation, and we sleep in different rooms.
Quit pushing conversation on her. Pull back. Do your own thing. Who is sleeping in the master BR? Hopefully you.
Quote
...until she went off that she can’t believe my family hasn’t reached out to her (her grandmother wrote me a nice letter) and it only reaffirms her decision and shows how disconnected we are.
Eh, don't pay any attention to that. They all will bring up the craziest stuff as justification for D. Just listen and validate, nothing more. "You sound very upset that my family hasn't reached out to you, I'm sorry you feel that way."
Quote
She said what are you holding on to let’s sell the house and get divorced.
Tell her you have no intent to sell the house or get divorced. Tell her if that's what she wants then you won't stop her, but she shouldn't expect you to do the work for her.
Appreciate the advice and I’ll do some reading. I am in the Master and she’s In the guest room. Will keep working on going out and staying busy. Sometimes ya just want to lay around but I know it’s counter productive right now. While I do the lawn (figure it keeps me busy anyway), I started only buying groceries for myself and have done my own laundry since this began. I’ll keep up the good fight.
