For sure, guys. Like I said, we're definitely going to take things very slow. The exception being the house, obviously. Honestly, I really don't care about that. I'll be fine no matter what. I know that sounds a little bit like throwing caution to the wind, but something I realized when telling her she could leave the other day is that anything can be rebuilt, no matter how bad circumstances get. Obviously, you want them not to get bad, but it's not the end of the world if they do.
Really, we're going to have to learn to trust one another again. She's got to trust this new behavior in me is real, and I've got to trust she's committed. The only way that those things happen is with time, work and patience. I'm not going to be the farm on this, but yesterday two things happened which make me really think we're headed in the right direction, at least enough for me to give her the opportunity to show me she's committed. The first is that it was the first time in 3 months that she actually gave me a definitive yes or no about wanting our MR. The second is that it was the first time in 3 months that she brought up our MR and dove deep into the nitty gritty unprompted. Really, the first 45 minutes were her going through everything while I listened and validated. When I finally started to speak, she listened and validated, too. We both thanked the other for doing so at the end.
Does any of this mean that I'm running full speed ahead? No, I already got burned a couple of weeks ago doing that when it seemed like she had come out of the fog, and I told her as much last night. She said she understood, and felt the same way, but on a much broader scale since I had previously made temporary changes to my behavior when she would express being unhappy in our MR. The point is that we're both in the same place, but taking it slow to feel things out.
She did express a bit of surprise at one point. I divulged a little info from my IC sessions, one thing being that my C was a little surprised that I knew more about the Gottman Method of MC than he does. I brought it up in the context of what I have been learning these last 3 months about having a healthy relationship. At first, she didn't say much about it, but her eyebrows definitely raised way, way up when I told her about his comment. After a few minutes, she finally said that it makes sense that I'd learn so much in a short period of time. She knows that once my mind locks on to something, I learn all I can about it, almost to the point of obsession. I'm a very, very, very details oriented person (one thing that also works against me, especially trying to analyze her behavior these last 3 months). In fact, I'll even bet you guys can probably see that based on my writing here on the board (just go look at my first post if you need a reminder).
Anyway, caution is definitely warranted right now, but I think I'll have to find a healthy balance of optimism to go with it. Otherwise, I could smother the spark that's seemingly ignited right now, and that's not good either. Actually, that's a pretty good metaphor for piecing/reconstruction, at least how I see it... It's very much like building a fire. DBing is like using a flint and steel to start a fire. If you don't do it properly, you get no spark and no ember in your tinder (and sometimes, the tinder is too wet to begin with). If you do get that ember to smoldering, dumping a ton of fuel onto it will smother it. You have to gently ignite it into a flame. There's no guarantee the flame won't go out because you didn't feed and nurture it properly, or that you have enough dry fuel to begin with. But, with time, patience, and care, if you have enough dry fuel, you can build it into a fire that's nice and toasty.
but something I realized when telling her she could leave the other day is that anything can be rebuilt, no matter how bad circumstances get. Obviously, you want them not to get bad, but it's not the end of the world if they do.
This is awesome commentary. It reminds me of the end of the film The Money Pit. (If you haven't seen it, Tom Hanks and Shelley Long buy a house that needs to be completely refurbed. The refurb almost breaks them financially, and definitely destroys their relationship.) At the end the head project manager makes the point that it wasn't an easy remodel, but the foundation was solid. And as long as the foundation is solid the rest can be rebuilt.
Obviously he was talking as much about their R than he was the house.
Also, I am living proof, while we are still fairly new to our new house and anything is still possible, that it can be successful. My W and I are closer now than we have been in 19 1/2 years of marriage. So you can make it work. Like I said, keep your R above the buying/selling/moving fray.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well, things have been crazy the last couple of weeks.
We made it all the way to the inspection of the new house. W was on a business trip in Philly the day it happened. The next day, she backs out.
Later that night, she calls me at 11:00 letting me know she was back from dinner, and was going to her room to crash (we had been up until 1:30 a.m. that morning, so I know she was tired). At almost 2:00 a.m., my phone rings. It's her calling. Apparently, she butt dialed me. As I'm trying to get her attention, I hear a TV in the background, and then her saying something about it taking all week to set something up. I then hear a man speaking to her (as in, not on the TV). Fuming, I say her name louder, a which point the phone hangs up. I call back and immediately ask WTH is going on, and who's in her room with her. She proceeds to tell me it is her boss, and that he's not going to the meeting she had set up for him in the morning. I ask her if she's having an affair, to which she responds that she doesn't know what to say, until she finally says she doesn't want to have the conversation right then. I told her we either have it right then, or I would file for divorce and full custody in the morning, as well as let her HR rep know what's going on. She yells at me that she doesn't owe me anything and hangs up.
I called the hotel, and spoke to a lady working the front desk. After getting some info from her about the room (actually, two rooms rented in W's name), I called W back. She proceeds to tell me that her boss called her and woke her up, had her meet him in the lobby, and the TV I was hearing was in the lobby. He wasn't going to the meeting because he was sick as a dog, and had been the whole trip. She offers to send me a copy of the email he sent to the person they were meeting with, as well as a receipt for some Nyquil she bought him. She swears up and down that nothing was going on.
I called the hotel back the next day and verified that there was indeed a TV in the lobby. I also spoke to the same lady from the night before. She confirmed that there was no one in the lobby right before I called, and in fact her and her security guard were eating dinner when I called, and were sitting in front of the TV W said I heard.
W gets home that night at 11:30 (late flight), and is immediately ill towards me. When I ask what's wrong she says I threatened to take her kid and her livelihood. I proceeded to ask her to explain why she was lying. She admits to it, admits it was wrong, and that she only did it because I would have totally flown off the handle. She then proceeds to let me look through her phone at the email that was sent, as well as through her text messages. I found some pretty inappropriate ones between her and her boss. Him referencing his "big D" and her saying he looked hot in the security line at the airport... stuff like that.
We had at it until 2:30 in the morning. I can't even remember all the details, but somehow ended up in a good place at the end. We slept in the master bedroom together, snuggled up. The next day, she stayed home from work. We talked, and talked, and talked. By the end of it, things were good. I confronted her some more about what I'd seen, and she explained why she did what she did, and again said that there was nothing going on.
As of now, I mostly believe her, but I'm still looking for evidence to be sure. I know that doesn't seem logical, but I've never seen my W cry the way she did when I confronted her after she got home. Also, I know she was on her period when she left, and I've seen the blood stains in her underwear where she was throwing them away when she got back. That doesn't mean nothing happened, as there are other things you can do sexually, but it's part of the reason I'm inclined to believe her. I also know how she is about getting sleep, and I don't see us being up so late the night before, and then her being up at 2:00 a.m the following night. Again, that might seem thin, but her words and actions these last few days make me inclined to believe her.
Currently, she's actually seeking my affection, we're flirting, we've had sex every day except yesterday (even this morning), and she's applying for other jobs like crazy. Some she's shown me, some I've been snooping after the other day and seen the emails about. I know I shouldn't be snooping, but after that incident, I think it's justified. We're making plans to move close to her aunt, and she's making plans to go back to school part time. She actually gave me a big hug and kiss yesterday morning before leaving to go to work and told me that she was going to miss me that day.
IMO, I think if there was an A, it's over. I can't prove it happened beyond a shadow of a doubt, but definitely still have my suspicions. Like I've said before, I can forgive an A since I understand the part I played in pushing her towards it, but she is responsible for her actions, and it will be a while before my trust is rebuilt, whether she admits to one/I catch her, or she doesn't.
I've also seen texts to other people where she was talking about how she felt like things between us were really good, that we've hit a new level, and she just hopes that they last.
I know you've looked at my sitch. I don't know if it was helpful. This is literally the first post I've made that wasn't about ME. I want to help you not be me.
What I'm going to say may be entirely wrong but here it is. You are exactly where I was at the end of May. You're going through what I've learned is called "hysterical bonding." Some people call it "false reconciliation." Like I said, maybe I'm wrong. I'm just telling you what I went through. It was the best few weeks of my life and I thought we had it made.
My sitch is slightly worse than yours. I'm envious, but that doesn't help. About 2 weeks into our "trial" (separate houses) separation, around the beginning of July, I got really accusatory toward W about whether her A had resumed. I had convinced myself that that was the reason she wanted the S.
I made it become true. She lost her mind, told me "You can't control me!" and within a week she was back with him. Just for the one time, but that was the beginning of the end.
Please, if only to make me happy, do EVERYTHING you can to just let it be. The thought of W with someone else horrifies me, but it's not NEARLY as bad as the thought that she will forever be with anyone except me. Don't be the one to make your fear a reality.
Please, drop the snooping. You're only hurting yourself. Ask me if I'll ever forget the picture in my mind of her car parked next to his at the motel. Ask me if I wish "Share location" was never an option on our phones. Ask me where I'd be right now if I had just swallowed my pride and just let it be. You can't stop her from doing what she wants to do, but you can definitely make it worth her while by pushing. Do whatever it takes -- phone a friend, stick some thumbtacks in a rubber band and put it around your wrist and squeeze really hard when you just want to scream. But don't show her that it bothers you. At least, if your sitch is anything like mine, and if you're anything like me, you may well regret it.
If I had read DR and had been on these forums at the end of June, I might still be exactly where I am. But I wouldn't be blaming myself quite so much. You're here and it's not too late. Muster up every little bit of strength you have in you and remind yourself that SHE is more important than HIM.
Focus on her. If she has/had an A, you can't change it. You'll get over that, believe me. It'll be a lot harder getting over losing her.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
She offers to send me a copy of the email he sent to the person they were meeting with, as well as a receipt for some Nyquil she bought him. She swears up and down that nothing was going on.
She then proceeds to let me look through her phone at the email that was sent, as well as through her text messages. I found some pretty inappropriate ones between her and her boss. Him referencing his "big D" and her saying he looked hot in the security line at the airport... stuff like that.
I cant be the first to say that this makes absolutely no sense. No person in a management position needs their subordinate to get them NyQuil at 2 AM. I cant understand any professional relationship where there is a need to be together in a lobby of a hotel or in a hotel room at that type of hour. Whether she is lying or not, there are some incredibly clear boundary issues. Add that to the texts which are clearly inappropriate and I cant understand how any of this is "OK" with you.
Originally Posted by crouton
We had at it until 2:30 in the morning. I can't even remember all the details, but somehow ended up in a good place at the end. We slept in the master bedroom together, snuggled up. The next day, she stayed home from work. We talked, and talked, and talked. By the end of it, things were good. I confronted her some more about what I'd seen, and she explained why she did what she did, and again said that there was nothing going on.
It SOUNDS to me like she got caught and is trying to "throw you off the scent." If her boss was with her at 2 AM, and there wasnt nothing going on, why lie about it?.If MY boss woke me up at that hour, I'd be PISSED and be complaining to my partner about the ridiculousness of needing to buy someone NyQuil at that time.
Originally Posted by crouton
I can forgive an A since I understand the part I played in pushing her towards it, but she is responsible for her actions, and it will be a while before my trust is rebuilt, whether she admits to one/I catch her, or she doesn't.
What are YOUR boundaries? You say "she is responsible for her actions", but what does that mean, exactly, to you? How is she taking responsibility?
Hi crouton. Just remember "believe nothing that they say..."
In your first post you told us she stayed in a hotel instead of her grandmas...You know, It“s a similar MO... I“m sorry to tell you this man. I“m a WH, I used to have those behaviors...I“m sorry man. That“s a red light for me...
Just get some boundaries, as Amoafwl says. Get your respect back.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Things are going fantastic! We're moving to Southern California on 12/26, W quit her job and is now working in a complete remote position for another company (actually the company she went to in Philly). Over the last 3 months, I've done some snooping and not seen any evidence of an A, and in particular almost no contact with her now former boss. What little there was was all very innocuous. It bugs me that she had it in her archived messages, but that could also be a sign that she's either trying to protect me from accidentally seeing it, or that she did have an A and is putting it behind her. Her actions, OTOH, have been super consistent the last three months... she can't seem to get enough of me, physically and emotionally.
There are still days I struggle mentally with everything that has happened. I actually had to take one of the "I'm stressing out too bad and need immediate relief" pills a couple of times, though it's been less than 5 times over the last 3 months. The new job will require some travel, and it's closely linked with her old job (though, from what she told me, her old boss doesn't want her working on their account because it could be seen as unethical), so I have a slight bit of nervousness about that.
That being said, she's told me and many other people in my presence that things are better now than they ever have been. I'm certainly not one to look a gift horse in the mouth.
As for the meds, I'm on Zoloft daily and they also prescribed Hydroxyzine for those freak out moments. It's actually an antihistamine, but apparently works well for treating anxiety, too. Oddly enough, it's also what the vet prescribed our dog, at the same dosage, when he had an ear infection...
