Wife is not who I married...Pls Help Pt5

[RR17]

I will pray that God will soften your heart with regards to your Ss R with his mother. The fact that you hold a grudge from long ago says you will need it.

TRUE has nothing to do with grace.

[Davide]

LoneWlf,

I hear a lot of resentment and anger in your post. I get that as well. It's a normal part of the grief process. I am trying to recognize that anger, sit with it, but then also let it go. Feeding it doesn't help me at all, but neither does burying it. Given the sh#t our Ws have put us through it is a completely normal response, but we can't hold onto that anger forever. It will curdle us and make us bitter.

Hang in there.

[LoneWlf]

Nicole - thanks for the support. I may be progressing but I wish it were ALL positive steps. Often times I feel I'm not going anywhere. I will just stick with the plan DB, GAL focus on me and S.

RR thanks for all your prayers- Like every good Christian we must all look to extend grace willingly. Thanks!

Davide- I agree my last post was filled with anger. A place I find myself at often. As you pointed out- I need to process that emotion and then put it behind me on my path to healing. Thank you also for your words of encouragement.

[Rose888]

LoneWlf, can you write your marital history from your wife's perspective? How would she describe your relationship?

I know people are sometimes very different in real life, but what you've written here on the boards paints a picture of someone who is very convinced he knows the right way to do things, and probably expects his family members to follow his way. My impression is that you express that to your family members in lots of little ways that probably add up to them feeling judged and controlled.

Do you think what I wrote would resonate with your wife?

I think your son is probably a lot like you, and that, combined with the natural black-and-white thinking of teenagers, is causing him to judge his mother harshly. And I think that pleases you, because you think it strengthens your position as "the good guy."

It would be healthier for your son if he saw you modeling compassion and understanding of others.

If your wife were on the board, I'd be saying different things to her, but you are the one who is here. Only you know what rings true when you give it serious consideration.

[cdn2a]

LoneWlf,

Something resonated with me about your stitch, You mentioned NGS. I've been reading the book, no more mr nice guy. I fit lots of the traits. Giving to get, avoiding conflict, etc.

Something to perhaps look into.

[burned]

Rose, that was beautiful.

LoneWlf, 1 Cor 13:4-7.

[LoneWlf]

cdn2a - I fit the NGS traits and have looked into it and looking to better myself. Thank you.

Rose- this is me giving my wife perspective the way I see It. She met me at the church and persued me. I kinda liked she took initiatve. I was and currently an usher at the church along with my S. She often said on the onset she was impressed with how I interacted and was humble and friendly with the whole congregation. She mentioned that I spoke clarity and intention. She often growing up in a small city she was used to dating uneducated men so it was a welcomed change. We both attended mas regularly and often volunteered at church functions. Things were amazing! My W was separated at the time and it was around Christmas time and all her family was at least 4 hours away and she was working. So following what my mother taught me ( be kind to everyone)- after clearing it with my oldest brother and his wife (It was to be held at his place) . I invited her to spend Christmas with me after 1 date. I come from a family of 4 brothers and 2 sisters. She fit in quite nicely - they all welcomed her. My family at this time were unaware she was separated. We took time to get to know one another and she like I, could not get enough of the time we spent together. She would often say my quick wit was definitely a sign of a sharp intelligence which she fully enjoyed. We had what we believed was the foundation of solid structure with a strong belief in the church. At the time my W worked in a group home for men with aquired brain injuries . Things like car accidents and strokes where she would help the men with their daily function. During this time my dad had his 2nd stroke that rendered his left side paralyzed. Now my W with out missing a beat said let me move closer to your parents so that I can take care of your dad. This is when i truly fell in love with her HEART. I took it as a sign fro God that he sent me my W to be with me to in turn also help my dad. My dad lasted about 2 more years losing his battle on his 4th stroke. In the 3rd year of my dating with my birthday coming up . i asked the priest a friend of mine if I could go into the empty church with my then girlfriend to say a birthday prayer. He said yes. Having the church to ourselves we said some prayers at the alter and then i took to the very spot where we met. This is when I asked her to give me the best birthday present by accepting my marriage proposal. From there we worked together with the priest to get her previous marriage annulled. We then choose the next the closest available date to be married. On my wedding day I bawled like a baby the moment I saw my W enter the church ( the only other time I bawled like Niagara falls was when my S was born). We were very blessed in that we were able to take a Caribbean cruise for our honeymoon. Almost 9 months to the day we were wed - My S was born. I often refer to him as my Caribbean souvenir. Having a strong faith and belief we had chosen his names straight from the bible. I wanted to share this because I feel it she was a gift from God - it could not get any better than this.

After my S was born a lot of our focus turned to him. Dates nights were a thing of the past. I had changed careers and so did W. At times we struggled but we mad out ok. Sex became less frequent and I became hurt. It was only after BD that she told me she found it painful at times - I never knew. Both her and I were conflict avoiders. She moved up the ranks in her job while I took a job from a start up company that we both felt would help with me working from home - less childcare cost but we both thought it had the potential to make us wealthy. After 5 years and a lot of heart ache the company shut down. Again things got rocky and at one time she mentioned that I was not doing enough.

In that time period she became pregnant again became very ill and she had a miscarriage. It set us both back. Initmacy and communication deteriortated. Every thing was being swept under the carpet. Now this is where I feel I kinda lost her. We were drifting apart. She has an older sister who was dating a man ( her sister 5th relationship since I have been around)> This man was into this reiki ( healing hands) and the so called spiritual belief system. Along with her best friend from work who is into fortune telling , tarot cards and womens rights. At this point I feel she is goestto a fortune teller and with the influence of her sister says it is time to make her self happy.

This is when my W let me know that she thought I was too controlling. That I was no longer funny but that my jokes were hurtful. That she has not been happy for a long time. And that she was tired of being a mom and a wife and needed to make her self happy.

In regards to my son - I have forged a stronger bond with him based on the things that we did and continue to do together. I taught him all sports and even coached his teams . Taught him chess, potty trained him alone, how to ride a bike . Spent time with him when he was small and even now emphasize that we need to spend time to connect. My W on the other hand would do limited things with him. Mostly having him do things that she would want to do- not necessarily his choice of activities. If you are asking me if I take delight in my S seeing me as the good parent. I feel it is in my actions that have spoken. I have gone to all his practices and games and his swim lessons and to all his chess tournaments all his computer lessons. W only chose to go to a couple outing each year. Having spent that time to bond and have these experiences with S has united us. I also fully accept that this is his mother and it is to his benefit to have a R with her. I am doing my best to stay clear and give them space.
Having both S and I speak to my priest on separate occasions . My priest says that S is old enough to formulate his own views and opinions and needs to heal on his own time. My job is merely to provide him a soft place to fall should he need it and surround him with love and understanding. Not once have I ever used a derogatory term to describe my W to him or for that matter to my W. I have never yelled,screamed, not to even swear at my S as to give the mother of my S the respect she deserves.

So here I am now- taking full ownership of all that I have done and all that I have failed to do. And having done all that I could (NGS) to make her happy to keep peace. I find myself possibly facing a D in the future. I am in the process of making myself better for me and my S and pray that God grant me Peace in whatsoever comes my way.

Sorry for the long post - I hope it helps you to understand my position.

[Rose888]

LoneWlf, it does help me understand your position, but it doesn’t help me understand your wife’s position, which is what I was curious about.

Side note: she moved closer to your parents to take care of your dad after his stroke and you say she has given you fewer than 5 gifts? I guess acts of service is not your love language.

[LoneWlf]

Rose thanks again.
My W love language is quality time and words
My languages are physical touch and gifts.
guess we both learned this lesson a little too late.

[Rose888]

So, how would your wife describe the history of your marriage?