Thanks V. Appreciate your feedback and means a lot that you think I handled it well. Always difficult to know, and you just tend to react in the moment and hope what you are doing/saying is the right thing.
You are right though - I'm being friendly and helpful, partly because of my NGS - it's what I do.. - and partly because I am consciously thinking I want to get on with my W in front of the kids, having just told them we are not arguing and are getting along fine. But you are right - there is a fine line, and at the right time I will state my boundary, which you put very succinctly and clearly above.
Today it has been more of the same. Her being upbeat, chatty, behaving like this is the best thing since sliced bread. I continue to go along with this, for the kids sake, but it is hard to behave like this is what I want too, when it so isn't.
We are starting to have to manage telling friends about what is happening too, and I'm finding this very difficult. The party line is that we have grown apart, that this is a mutual decision, and if anyone asks, there was no third party involved, and for those friends who know us well, this makes absolutely no sense. They are just confused, as they'd never have put us down as a couple that had grown apart and mutually agreed to separate. And I can see the look of disbelief of their faces, as I say with a straight face that we both thought this was best for all of us. But it can't be said any other way if we don't want the kids to learn the truth (which I really don't... at least not yet). So hard, but we just have to get through this next phase where people are inquisitive, gossip and want to know more. Eventually they'll move on, we'll just go our separate ways and things will get better. I hope.
In the meantime, detach, GAL, 180 etc. I suppose I never know if, at the end of all of this, my WAW will have a change of heart. I think it very unlikely, given how delighted she is with the current status quo, but hey, if she does, she does, if she doesn't I will be fine anyway. I really do believe that.
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
The truth is always better than a lie. Your kids are all old enough to handle it. You pretending just to appease her and save her face is some BS in my opinion.
M: 40 W: 37 T: 20 MR: 13 S13, S9, S4 BD: 1/29/18 Sep: 4/23/18 (I moved out) 8/24/18 I come home, she moves out
If you want to get out of the hole, drop the shovel.
I hear you Hongaku, but I genuinely think it's unnecessary to give the kids such details. The point is, we are done. They are going to have D'ed parents who will get along and make things as easy as possible for them all, and the fact that the reason for this situation is that their mother is a cheating, lying, b*tch isn't something that is going to help anyone. Maybe me for a very short time, but other that, I feel it's just not worth it, and I need to be the bigger person. And eventually, when the fog lifts and my WAW thinks hard about what she has done and how I have behaved with dignity, maybe she will show some remorse and respect for me. That's all I want. We are done and moving on, so hurting her through the kids really helps noone.
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
Thanks David. I see where you are going. Of course I'm tempted by (A). I would like nothing more. I say that to her in my head all the time.
But (B) isn't really what's happening. She actually had the temporary feeling that everything was great yesterday, and yes, I did facilitate that, but reality is very much sinking in today. The kids are of course now starting to struggle, each of them differently. D12, whilst originally putting on a brave face and asking good questions, is now confiding in my W that she wants us to stay together and she can't sleep. I came home last night from some GAL (having just told a friend what is going on), and found W and D12 snuggled in D12's bed to help her sleep. S17 has reacted with belligerence and anger, and S15 doesn't want to talk at all and takes himself to his room whenever possible. W is seeing this and it is hitting home hard. She caused this. She is the one that drove us to this place - not me. I supported her decision, but it wasn't what I wanted. She can see the destruction she has caused and it is killing her. The euphoria of house hunting yesterday has gone. For now. I'll let that sink in for her.
So in fact (A) is happening without me having to do/say anything. I know it's not me vocalizing these things, but she is feeling them away.
I still don't feel I want to tell our friends the full story. It hurts, but I think it's the best way for me and my kids at the moment. Perhaps not textbook, DB-style or even fair, but it's just how I feel. I am so focused on the kids and their well-being that nothing else matters at the moment. How I feel will come into play as things settle down.
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
My little kids cried their eyes out pleading with all of their hearts with W to give me a chance. W promised them she would... that night in bed I was thinking to myself that I was so so thankful... and then I overheard her the next day on the phone saying to her parents "That's the plan, that's still the plan". W left days later.
I still don't feel I want to tell our friends the full story. It hurts, but I think it's the best way for me and my kids at the moment. Perhaps not textbook, DB-style or even fair, but it's just how I feel. I am so focused on the kids and their well-being that nothing else matters at the moment. How I feel will come into play as things settle down.
I highly recommend NOT telling others about your situation. Especially anybody that is close to your wife. You see how difficult it is for your W to decide what she wants. If everyone that knows you guys (and trust me, word travels FAST) knows she is an adultress it might mean that is too much for her to overcome and come back to the MR. It may force her into a cut and run mentality so that she doesn't have to face all of these people again.
40 I'll have to catch up but why did you guys tell the kids? Was it her idea or yours? Kids at your ages have so much on their plate, I would have avoided this until it was no longer avoidable. (Maybe it was unavoidable, like I said, I am behind on your sitch.)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Wow, that was quite a turnaround. From her wanting to work on things to you guys telling the kids you are done. Likely that was where she was having her hangup, knowing that was going to be difficult. I struggle with how to handle all of that. On one hand you want to keep it between you and W, keep it to the script as you and her laid out, and not burdne the kids with details. On the other hand, making it to easy on her results in exactly what you are seeing. W is let off the hook, doesn't have to face her actions or the face consequences for it.
However, if your ultimate goal is still R, then taking the first tact (which you did) is probably the best approach.
40, is your W's A still ongoing? If so, people are not dumb. Once she is on her own and in the arms of OM, people will put 2 and 2 together.
I still agree with your approach on friends. No need to out her as and adultress right now. That will keep the chances of R open. The truth will come out in time if R never occurs.
40, a bit of hope. My W early in our sitch was like your W. She was very excited to be looking at apartments. Discussed logistics about furniture with me. "You were going to get new family room furniture anyway, so I figured I could take the furniture in there for my apartment." She also threw herself into finding jobs, though even that showed WW fantasy fog as she was convinced she'd find a work from home job that completely supported her. But I just validated her feelings in all of this. As reality started to set in her excitement waned. She asked me how much utilities were. She asked me how much we budgeted for this category or that category. She started to realize that work from home job weren't paying nearly enough for her to be self-sufficient. The idea of having to get up early every day and drive into an office (and as an introvert, interact with coworkers in person) started bringing her back to earth. I saw the wind go out of her sails. And she did go into a bit of a depression for a few weeks as she felt "stuck" and "trapped".
That is where my positive changes came into play. As she started to see staying less "stuck" and "trapped" and more of the brightest potential for a happy future. That took some time (thought it was quicker than most people see it occur), but she eventually embraced that bright future as one she wanted and wanted to work towards.
Your W has a lot of "reality" to come to grips with yet. So there are still a lot of opportunities to wake up and reconsider. I am not trying to give false hope, but I am trying to show you that you should still have some hope of R. I know it feels so far away with telling the kids and her seeming excitement at looking for a house, but I do not think this is the end yet.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hi 40. My son was 11 when I did all the stupid thigs that I did. Then I left... I was going to be free and live hapily ever after with OW and her son...I was going to be happy...
Fortunately I could reverse my course. So here I am...
Your W must find her own answers. You canīt control what she wants, does or dreams. But she must face reality. You say you both are done. Are you?
Detach, GAL and let her go. She must feel the loss of what she had/has. Donīt be her friend now. She must respect you. She hasnīt.
Be strong, you can do it.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Neffer - I think you are right. I need to be friendly but not her friend.
Aside from the guilt she is clearly experiencing regarding the kids (not about me and my feelings though), she does need to face the reality of all the other things she'll have to do on her own. I'm trying to be strong, I really am, but reality is hitting hard for me too, and in my quiet moments, when I'm on my own with my thoughts, I do have meltdowns and the tears flow. I guess that's only natural and healthy to let it out, but it shows I'm still in a lot of pain - not just because of what's happening with the kids, but because of what her leaving means to me and about me, personally - how it means she no longer loves me, and she'd rather cause all this pain and suffering than spend any more time with me. It hurts. It does. But I do pick myself, I am trying to move on, GAL, detach etc. It's just at the moment, it's all in my face the whole time - she walking around proud as punch, the kids in pain, she's house-hunting, I'm working on getting a larger mortgage to keep our house and buy her out... planning for mediation..I don't know whether I'm coming or going.
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You say you both are done. Are you?
I think she is. Completely. The way she is carrying on. I said I was because being with her behaving as she was towards me was just untenable. It had to stop. Had to. I was miserable, and so was she. At least this way there is hope for us both. And if she does get her freedom and it's not all that its cracked up to be, maybe she'll come back. But I really don't think so, and I'm not holding on to any hope at all. OK, maybe a tiny bit, but that will fade with every day that goes by I think. I will let her go. I will. It makes me so sad, but I will let her go.
I'm trying to be strong for my kids. They need to see I'm ok. We're ok. So they'll be ok. And we will be. It's just going to take time.
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
