My wife's midlife crisis

[kiro]

Great to hear you are in a better place.

Detach...Detach...Detach. It's the best thing for you now. And surprisingly, it's probably the best for your relationship in the very long term...

Keep hope and love somewhere distant in your heart, but have no expectation. Most probably, things will get worse since you are still relatively in the beginning. But nobody really knows what she will do.

Stay strong for yourself and for your kids. Regain your confidence. Don't let anything she says or does affect you. Seeing you strong, confident, and detached will rock her boat and make her look at you differently, but don't get fooled if this happens. At this stage, you cannot trust anything she does. If your confidence and detachment draw her closer, it's your decision. You could let her get closer or you could pull back, but regardless be a gentleman and remain calm.

And GAL. Go out. Meet new people. Try to smile and do fun things. See a funny movie. And exercise. Sport is a great way to get some of tension out.

[sjohns6]

FaceMan, thanks for checking out my sitch. Our Ws are saying a lot of the same things and it helps to see how similar the script is. Makes me feel less crazy. Also, the way we see it and describe it is a little different. So I can read through what you write and say, yeah...mine said that too and he describes it so perfectly!!

We are here to support you in all this, but know that your posts are helping us too.

Again, sorry you are here, but I'm glad to have some good company being that I have to be here too. Sometimes I really wish I could meet up with some of you guys in real life. I bet we'd have a great time showing each other our battle scars.

[FaceMan]

Sjohns6. It is comforting to known the scipt is similar. It makes me feel like I’m not going crazy listening to her. I’ve managed to get away for a few days. I feel like a different person being detached from her drama. Also some physical distance really helps too. Becoming detached makes me feel like I’m not interested in her anymore. All the pain and hurt she has caused me when she doesn’t seem to care makes me feel like I should just move on myself. It hurts to feel that way.

I took some time to read another website. The blog about the emotional bomb drop. I could have written it myself. It was so expertly written and not only described what happened but also how it made me feel. I couldn’t have described it any better myself and it’s inspiring to know that if there is love, there is hope.

I can see how the downward spiral has developed in her mind. She is unhappy because she believes the marriage is making her unhappy because she feels no longer in love. She has withdrawn physically, emotionally and sexually. But that is still not enough. She needs to move out because she feels that that is the only way she can become happy. In her words, she needs to find herself and establish her own identity. Whatever, that means.

If there is love there is hope. There is lots of love, but only shown one way. I don’t have much hope.

[MarvinF]

FaceMan: for what it’s worth there is live, but they push it down and away. Hope is that when they finally confront their demons it may come back.

[sjohns6]

I feel the same FaceMan. My wife has now been out a month and a half. The longer she is gone, the less I feel like there is hope for us. Not after 18 months of treating me like crap first (BD, EA, cold/distant, etc).

But, I still think that time may help. Not sure about that, but so far, with time I keep evolving how I feel. I have never really experienced an anger stage, and I'm not certain I will. I am kind of thinking that this detached feeling I have is how anger plays out in me. If that is the case...then it may pass as a stage of grief. Who knows for sure. Time just keeps ticking and I'm still waking up each day with a new perspective.

We're in this together my friend.

[FaceMan]

Life does indeed continue and I realise there is a great deal else I have to be thankful for. Time is a great healer and I live in hope that over time she will realise the damage she has caused her family and the people who love her the most.

Being away makes me realise what great kids I have and also that there is more to life than someone else’s desire to run away from a great marriage. I’m starting to awaken to the fact it’s someone else’s desire for something different than the fact my marriage is failing.

I asked her if she feels she has done everything possible to save her marriage and her reply was “No. I haven’t done anything because it’s not what I want anymore.” I can’t even attempt to compete or understand that mindset and that is one of many baffling and conflicting statements.

I need to live my life as if she is not coming back and that hurts.

[Irish M]

Hey FM,

That's the secret.. live your life..

And for her obscure answers.. It's not easy to grasp because you are thinking rationally. Your W is not.

Keep those great kids of yours love and safe. It's a bumpy ride for them as well.

you got this

[FaceMan]

Thanks Irish.

None of this makes sense. None of it at all.

Whilst on vacation, I have found an inner peace. Relaxing, being with kids, reading, swimming, having fun, having a laugh, enjoying the great weather.

I don’t want her to leave but I’m counting the weeks until she does, so I can be at peace with my new life. I can’t be at peace whilst she is around. I find her a source of stress and confusion.

I don’t believe my marriage has failed. I believe one person changed their desire to be a part of it.

[kiro]

I asked her if she feels she has done everything possible to save her marriage and her reply was “No. I haven’t done anything because it’s not what I want anymore.”

My W said the same almost word for word. They can't be making that sh*t up. They must be reading that stuff somewhere, on a forum for MLCers or something. It's just way too creepy how they all say the exact same things and none of it makes any sense.

It's either that they all follow the same source (books, articles, forums, ...whatever) or this MLC thing is a real psychological disorder that must be officially recognized by all therapists and psychiatrists.


Anyway, I'm happy you're starting to detach and find yourself in all of this mess. Just remember it's a bumpy ride. Your feelings will still betray you at times. It's difficult especially at the beginning to always stay in this detached state. You'll always need to remind yourself that you cannot control her and that you need to focus on yourself.

if there is love, there is hope

I always liked this quote. But the more time passes and the more I detach and she detaches, I realize another quote, probably from the same writer, that says that we must accept that our old marriage is over. Any reconciliation, at least for my part, will almost be equivalent to marrying a new person. That's the idea of moving forward. Once there is BD, it's over. There is no going back anymore.

[FaceMan]

It's either that they all follow the same source (books, articles, forums, ...whatever) or this MLC thing is a real psychological disorder that must be officially recognized by all therapists and psychiatrists.

Personally, I don't think she is sick, but I do think that judging by her behaviour, the conflicting things she comes out with and the confused state she is in, it could possibly be a psychological/emotional issue.

From an early age my wife has bottled up her emotions and feelings; her coping strategy is to forget about things and pretend they never happened. The issues are wide ranging and the worst you can imagine. From little things like the kids being kids to major life issues.

I've read suppression makes you loose all feelings, including the positive ones of love, joy and happiness. I cant remember the last time I saw her smile. Her EA/PA made her happy. I guess it was like a drug, giving her a new high. Escape and fantasy.

One person no longer wants the life they have had for 25years that has made them happy.

She thinks she would be better off without me and living alone sharing the kids will make her happy? I cant see it at the moment and not sure I ever will.