WW in MLC in need of advice-Part 2

[Ginger1]

let me get this straight? She is active with OM, but she is saying it is YOU who does not want to make it work?!

So, she is only willing to drop OM if she can ensure you back?

What you need is boundaries. "I do not want to be back with you as long as you are involved with OM" Simple. "we can entertain family parties together if there is no OM and you re willing to work on the M"

But right now, as she is in an active A, she has cojones to say what she did to you. IMHO.

[Natash]

Natash, I didn't successfully reconcile with my husband when he returned the first time so I'm not an expert in this area. I'm curious to see how your situation plays out because you're taking a strong approach and your wife is probably a bit surprised by how you're speaking to her now compared to previous times. She probably didn't expect when she left that she might not be welcome back. Or maybe she didn't think about it at all and now she's surprised that she wasn't invited to the party and your texts have a cold tone. All I can say is if I were in your shoes, I'd do whatever puts your daughters' best interest first. The best outcome for them would likely be two parents who reunite and love each again as husband and wife, but we all know that your wife would have to want that as much as you and work towards proving herself again. Currently it seems you and your wife are both not sure if you want that.

One mistake that I feel I made when my husband returned the first time was talking about how much work it would take to fix our relationship. I didn't really accept my husband's apology and I kept punishing him when he came back while I waited for him to show true remorse and work to fix everything. Now I know all this approach did was create tension and further resentment. You have an opportunity to hear to avoid the mistakes that many others have made. It's worth taking your time to think about what actually happens during the reconciliation process and whether you really want to go through it. It's both a blessing and a curse because you dreamed to have your wife back but you also don't trust her at all during the early stages.

If you and your wife want to try again, and remember many of us dream to be in your shoes where your spouse reaches a turning point and may be considering reconciliation, it seems conversations might be best focused on re-connecting in general at first. You two could have lunch to talk about your kids' accomplishments, funny things they've done, the great hobbies you've been pursuing since she left and how you're doing much better now, stuff happening with mutual friends and in the community, etc.. You could always switch gears and say you don't think either of you are in a position to get back together right now nor divorce, so you prefer to see how it goes by just spending time together as a family, for your daughters' sake, and perhaps lunch once a week alone to talk in person instead of all the texts. Perhaps removing the pressure and seeing if the interest is there on both sides based on light conversation and body language might be helpful. Maybe your wife will really want to talk about the relationship and you can always listen and consider what she has to say without making any decisions at this stage.

I agree you shouldn't entertain cake eating behavior nor should you allow yourself to be trapped or guilted by your wife after all that she's done. That's so unfair when someone who walks away tries to make you the bad person or takes advantage of you. It requires a lot of emotional intelligence and a delicate approach trying to navigate communication with your wife at this stage. I really do hope it goes well and she does the right thing to win you back. It would be amazing if you could be a family again someday.

This was great to read Nicole, I feel you were spot on in every way and appreciate your insight and advice. Thank you. I may invite WW over some night after work for a BBQ and swim with the girls and I. We can see how it goes spending some time together as a family. I have always been hesitant about this as I do not want to pursue but I want to show her that I am a husband only a fool would leave.

[Natash]

let me get this straight? She is active with OM, but she is saying it is YOU who does not want to make it work?!

So, she is only willing to drop OM if she can ensure you back?

What you need is boundaries. "I do not want to be back with you as long as you are involved with OM" Simple. "we can entertain family parties together if there is no OM and you re willing to work on the M"

But right now, as she is in an active A, she has cojones to say what she did to you. IMHO.

Yes, as far as I can tell you got it right. I agree I need a boundary or two and plan to send her a message tonight stating that boundary. I have been thinking about it and now after reading it, I think it is exactly what I need to do. Two simple sentences and put the ball in her court while I continue GAL on days I do not have kids and enjoying the days when I do have my girls. Four weeks from now I will be having another Birthday party for D7 so it will be interesting to see where things go from here.

[arsh18]

She will probably bring up D7s bday party soon or to one up will actually organize one herself before you can start thinking and discuss this with the kids. It is okay to let her know that as long as OM is involved you are in no way trying to keep her, let alone win her back. She is no prize at this point in time.
How much do your Ds understand about the OM? They are still young but D7 may have some idea at her own level.

[NicoleR]

Somehow I didn't catch that OM is still in the picture. For some reason I thought I read that they broke up but I think I may be mixing up threads. If he's in the picture then everything I said was completely wrong so it's good you got other better advice!

[Natash]

How much do your Ds understand about the OM? They are still young but D7 may have some idea at her own level.

I don't think she understands. She has mentioned him as Mom's friend who we went out to eat with. I wouldn't be surprised if she has seen him a handful of times but she doesn't talk about it and I'm not going to bring it up. I do know routinely D7 wants friends to come over to BBQ or swim and it doesn't matter to her if they are her friends or mine. It's usually last minute when she asks so I ask the friends and they can't as it's last minute. So I explained to her we need to plan these things ahead of time so she won't be sad and miss the people that couldn't make it. I explained sometimes even when planned ahead they may not be able to one over and we'll miss having them and D7 responded "like Mom,I miss my Mom being here" I responded I understand pumpkin, we do miss Mom.

Somehow I didn't catch that OM is still in the picture. For some reason I thought I read that they broke up but I think I may be mixing up threads. If he's in the picture then everything I said was completely wrong so it's good you got other better advice!

Thank you for catching that and clarifying. I started to get my hopes up after reading your response and thought " she sees WW wanting to reconcile more than I do, maybe I'm missing something. No worries though as I enjoy everyone's input and realize most of us are in the same boat looking for support.

Tonight WW stopped by while I was giving D6 and d7 bath. She dropped off new bathing suits for Ds to be able to leave at summer care. I thought she looked terrible and aged. Still had no patience and was in a hurry as if she wasn't comfortable being in her own home. She didn't have her wedding ring on and I probably shouldn't have but I asked her as I grabbed my ring on my finger and said is this when we stop wearing these? Her response was I don't have any Jewelry on. WW left without hugging or kissing her girls. It was sad to see but as I witnessed it I was telling myself I can not and will not be in a relationship with someone like that.

On her drive home I got a text asking if the new suits fit but it started out with "he said..". I figured she typed a response on my name and meant to send it to someone else (like she was reporting to someone else something I had said) She blamed it on the iPhone corrections and admitted she was naughty and texting when she shouldn't and was not paying attention. In the past she couldn't stand people on their phones while in a car. Her 17 yr old brother was killed in a head on collision right around the time my wife was just getting to know him well due to the age gap. They believe he was distracted by messing with the radio and crossed the center line. I know since BD WW is texting and driving more than ever. D7 told me mom got a holder to clip to the vent in the car dash to hold her phone to make typing easier. I called her out on it one day and told her stop texting when driving while the girls are in the car. At that time she said she was at a stop sign🙄. So I didn't want her to think I'm being a fatherly figure as in the past that is what she'd say if I told her to stop doing something like this but, I need her to think about her life and my daughters lives are more important than any text. So without knowing for sure he was driving and texting I responded "you are smarter than that and know better" she replied yes I do, I was almost home.

These past few days have been downers for me and I think it is because I thought DBing and my actions were going well and I was sensing some change but then got the text from WW telling me the separation is pushing her further away. I'll give it some time but I deserve better. This weekend I'm heading to the driving range with a buddy and possibly for the first time in years, my dad. Saturday I got invited to a classmates home for an all day party. She is having a BBQ, Cornhole, swimming, drinks and a campfire. I look forward to that and catching up with possibly my best friend from middle school who might be there.

Oh, before I go, I read today that every once in a while a lbs should show an act of kindness or love to the ww so she knows she is still welcome. Do you veterans agree? Then I got wondering if that is true, after I plan out D7s BD party and assuming WW doesn't try to invite herself, should I invite her? It would be awkward for the friends and family that know the sitch but I believe my wife would love it if she could join and see it as a kind gesture on my part as i know she looked forward to these summer time party's. This does contradict the tough love/we are separated playbook IMO.

[NicoleR]

Natash,

I guess I got confused because I thought your wife was saying "I'm not dating anyone!" and you concluded that her affair didn't work out and she was starting to face the consequences of her decisions and hit rock bottom. How do you know the OM is still in the picture? Maybe he's not.

I think you could invite her or have at least a private family party in addition to the big one. Private meaning you, your wife, and your daughters go out to dinner together or have a cake and gifts together at home. I thought I read somewhere that family time is still acceptable.

I think your actions are going well. You do seem to be taking a very strong and cold approach though so I do think an act of kindness here-or-there might help. It doesn't mean you'd take her back easily. It just shows that you're still a good person and hopefully it'd be a reminder of what she's missing.

[Natash]

Natash,

I guess I got confused because I thought your wife was saying "I'm not dating anyone!" and you concluded that her affair didn't work out and she was starting to face the consequences of her decisions and hit rock bottom. How do you know the OM is still in the picture? Maybe he's not.

My w did tell me a few weekends ago she was not dating anyone and seemed she was struggling. I do not know the status of OM but I do know the night before D6s Bday party she called to say goodnight to the girls and when they asked Mom where she was she said watching a movie (OM name) house. This is the first time she has admitted to where she was when with him and I think she was doing it to try to get dig in on me as she was upset over not being invited to the party. It was pointe out to me this week WW removed her married status from Facebook. Childish games if you ask me, what does that accomplish?

I think your actions are going well. You do seem to be taking a very strong and cold approach though so I do think an act of kindness here-or-there might help. It doesn't mean you'd take her back easily. It just shows that you're still a good person and hopefully it'd be a reminder of what she's missing.

Thank you. A couple that is friends with my wife and I is picking my D's upearly from childcare and bringing them to my house to swim tomorrow afternoon. It is going to be like today, sunny hot and humid approaching 95 degrees. Then when I get home we will have a BBQ and campfire with smores if there s time.

I am interested in hearing from a veteran (Sandi2, Vanilla, AS, etc) if inviting my WW to the BbQ would be a bad move? I have very little interest in her being here but since i never use to coordinate a cookout I am thinking she would be able to see what she is missing out on and it would be a nice gesture on my part. I know the kids would enjoy her home but wonder if it would set them back after she leaves for the night.I believe when I have fun with my kids and their friends and parents it creates more resentment in my wife because she is missing out and doesn't see what she has done wrong. Everything wrong in her eyes is because of me is the vibe I get.

Update on journalling: This past weekend was awesome. I got my groceries doe Friday night. Saturday morning I did some yard work putting down fresh mulch around the trees and in the back yard. Then I cleaned and detailed my truck inside and out. Saturday afternoon I went to a BBQ birthday party for highschool friend down the road. The food and people was great. So was the beer, fireworks, Cornhole and campfire. The only downside was two of the young boys asked me when they saw me if my daughters were with me and I had to tell them no they were with mom. That night I got to hang out with my first best friend who I haven't hung out with in years, A year ago he ended a 5 year relationship after finding out his gf had been cheating on him often and it was refreshing to catch up with him. I also meet a really nice couple and a nice single female while there.

Today I put our Seadoo in the lake. Last year w and I talked about selling it. Then I decided for sure I would after bd and be able to have the cash if I needed it. But after today I realized I really enjoy it and I don't want to sell it to hear ww start in about half is hers or say I'm selling marital assets so I look forward to riding on the weekends I don't have my girls. Tomorrow is a BBQ, possibly a second BBQ on Tuesday. The 4th I won't have the girls but I am going to ask ww if I can pick them up via boat to be able to watch fireworks out in the lake (My parents as well as mil/fill have places on the same lake and we always have been in or at the water for the 4th since D's were born). Then Friday thru Sunday I've got a camping trip booked with my girls along with my cousin and his wife and three boys. The weather looks amazing and I'm looking forward to a fun filled relaxed week!