Yes... I disagree with those telling you to take further initiative... And you have taken initiative. Concert and Vegas... Go do something with someone else... You overstayed Saturday... Let her miss you...
Thanks Arista. Now what about the texts she sends all the time though? I should still answer them no? Like the one she sent this afternoon. You'd think text would have come yesterday not two days later LOL! Whie the heck has a hangover for nearly three days LOL?!
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
I think you need to speak to a coach. You're in a unique position here compared to most.
You separated four years ago...your W or EX is pursuing you fairly consistently and you're at a loss how to deal with it. You don't want to push too hard, incase she bolts...yet you need to show strong leadership.
You say you don't mind her decision either way but you're on here telling us about her every interaction no matter how small...you are very invested in this.
The advice here I think has mostly been to get to know her again, go on 'dates' initiated by her (I'm in the minority as I believe it wouldn't have the sky fall in if you proposed a date...but as I say...a coach would know better...), no drunken sessions, show your leadership side, let it unfold in a natural way as if you'd met for the first time. And if you have something to say...answer those texts.
If you have no expectations, the journey could be a beautiful one. If you have expectations then all you're going to be looking for is those that go unmet.
My advice is to speak to a professional.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
Hi ItHurts, Only been reading recently but was just thinking and want to ask you, what do you want? DO you want a new relationship with your ex? Do you want a friendship?
I see alot of you questioning what she wants, but what do you want?
Thank you for the advice guys, it means a lot. Yes Caz I suppose I am in the exact quandary you describe. Part of me wants to cut to the chase and just talk to her about our future. But I am also impatient by nature and I worry that this tendency of mine to be impatient, even in other areas of my life, will taint my good decision making here. Slow and steady wins this race as one person said here...or go for the jugular and just ask her out and if she refuses then I know where I stand and I could start limiting contact with her.
Which brings me to Si07's post. What do I want? Well obviously I want to R...I have since the day she left. However when I say I don't care what happens either way, I guess that's a poor choice of words. I do care of course; but what I mean is I won't be heartbroken if it doesn't happen solely because I'm not fearful of having to live without her either. That part is a luxury I didn't enjoy when she first left. So it's not that I don't care, I'm just not afraid of a negative end result.
Also, I do update everything that happens here also because it helps newbies who are suffering through those awful post-bomb months. It gives them hope that anything can happen in the future. If me posting here helps these folks deal with that awful pain and despair a bit better, as many have posted that it does, that is also why I update as things happen. So my reasons are twofold really. For example, sure it's not a big update that WAW texted me a sentence yesterday saying she hopes I feel better; but to a newbie who would cut their arm off for their WAW to text them anything at all...it might make a difference. This plus I want to be sure you guys know everything...you never know if there's a nuggetbif info to be had from what seems like a very trivial and insignificant update from me.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Personally, I think you are playing it safe, showing her the best parts of you but not generating attraction or tension. I did this many times in the past, showing how great a guy you can be then watching her go off with someone else. My coach (female) has helped me understand this alot. When you play it safe, you are generally not generating attraction.
How about trying 1 of these 2 ways: 1. I would tell her that if you continue hanging out together alone, it's under the intention of getting to know each other in the direction of a relationship. If she is not interested and only she's you as a friend, then you know what to do and it's your choice. 2. If you don't want to go that strong so soon, invite her to things you are already doing. If he says no, what does it matter, you are already doing it. Also, invite her to things you are doing as a group, but tell her she is only invited if she brings bundles of energy. This way it's less 'date' like and more about how she fits into the new life you have made over the past 4 years for you.
I would treat her like any other potential girlfriend, I learnt through my coach that we often play it more safe with the girls we are interested in than the ones we are not. The flip side is we are not staying true to ourselves and give off a different vibe.
Don't get me wrong, I enjoy seeing your posts and updates, no matter how small the exchange. It wasn't a dig or gripe at how much you post...I can just see how much it means to you.
In which case I wouldn't want you to miss out on what could be a fresh start due to ill advised or confusing advice. This is a forum and the people are great with wonderful support but at the end of the day, they are only voicing their opinions.
We're all rooting for you both, it would be lovely to see another success story unfold so many years down the line.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
Well WAW just texted me about 5 minutes ago just sharing a funny picture. I suppose I will just reply with an LOL unless you guys think I should do otherwise. Thanks again also for your invaluable insight...you are all such great people here!!
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Hmmm not a bad idea! I haven't replied yet. So funny she texted as we're talking about her here. Maybe her ears are ringing. Yeah I generally wait a bit to reply to see what you all have to say first. This is getting to be a daily thing with her now. Funny because two months bagi she said she didn't think it would be healthy for either of us to talk everyday. Guess she threw her health consciousness out the window LOL!
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
