It sounds to me like her boyfriend dumped her so she has to return to her husband so she can be the bird in his cage. She's playing you. I hate that sh*t.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ THIS * INFINITY
Likely he got tired of waiting or had no intention of it becoming anything permanent or found a new side piece, or any number of reasons why AP's dump the WW. Regardless, this is going to last a while (her sadness). She was addicted to the A and it will take her a while to get over the addiction. Detachment means what it always means, remain calm, cool. When she wants to talk, listen and validate her feelings. And make sure you aren't sitting around waiting for her. That means GAL like a madman. Stay as busy as you possibly can, even if that is just being outside doing yard work.
In 2005 when my wife went through her EA withdrawal, it was a good 6 weeks before she was back to any semblance of normal.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
If you search it will come up. Go through all the search results.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
It sounds to me like her boyfriend dumped her so she has to return to her husband so she can be the bird in his cage. She's playing you. I hate that sh*t.
This is definitely a possibility, but I think it had more to do with me telling her I didn't want to divorce the day before. She wants out and I'm not making that easy for her. She thinks I am not respecting her decision, and that I am being controlling. Maybe I could ask her what happiness looks like to her, and what steps she needs to take to get there. I think if she is too depressed to file for divorce on her own, she is not ready to divorce. It is her choice to make though.
I've been wondering if it would be appropriate for me to call her therapist (our former marriage counselor), or one of her best friends to ask them to call her this morning. I have a strong urge to do that, but I think that would be an emotional response out of my own fear and discomfort in seeing W like this, so I haven't contacted either of them. My other fear is that W would think I am trying to exert control over the few safe relationships she has right now. If I am to prioritize detachment, I think I should not contact anyone. I feel scared doing that though.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
I think she needs to feel free to make choices about her life. If she feels traped and sees no way out of a miserable existence, then it could cause her to be more depressed. However, I don't understand why she wouldn't just leave to be with OM. Is he M with kids? Why is she still living with you? Usually, the OM is seen by the WW as an escape route for her dreary life.
Maybe she sees this as you not cooperating and more of your controlling behavior.
I don't think it is wise in every single case to refuse to cooperate. It doesn't mean you want the D.
If my S wanted away from me bad enough to threaten or hint at suicide, I believe I could let him go.
IDK, it may be a trick, but I would not call her bluff. I mean......who would want to live with that type of responsibility, to think she'd see suicide as her only escape.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think she needs to feel free to make choices about her life. If she feels traped and sees no way out of a miserable existence, then it could cause her to be more depressed.
Except that this is standard play from the WW/WAW playbook. Almost all of them say "I feel trapped" especially if they don't get their way with the LBH leaving the house, the MBR, doing the D work, etc. No one can make her feel trapped except herself.
My wife played the "trapped" card early on. Even started saying things like "I don't know, maybe I can be ok with it if we sleep in separate beds". I never tried to stop her, if she wanted to sleep somewhere else she was free to, but I wasn't leaving the marital bed.
Either OM dumped her and she is in the grieving process of losing that R, or she is trying to manipulate and control him. Time will tell.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yesterday W was admitted to ER after her regularly scheduled therapy appointment. And she is going into a partial hospitilization program next week. I really hope it includes medication, which she has been resistant to trying, and I don't think anyone has ever recommended to her. One thing that has kept me hanging onto M is believing things could turn around if she really got effective treatment for her depression. At this point though I don't expect it to bring her back to me. Probably will just get her the strength to divorce me.
I don't know what to think about W's depression. I am ashamed that my behavior worsened her depression, and that I didn't help her when she was depressed.
I'mhanging my signature from "PA: 5/6/18-..." to "PA: 5/6/18?" because I don't know exactly what happened when she was out of the house that day, and haven't found any concrete evidence since then. Focusing on A isn't helping me either. Taking care of myself is going to be more difficult with W in the hospital next week, but this seems like special circumstances I am willing to make sacrifices for her during. As she was telling me when she would be gone next week, I told her we could make plans together for making sure our son was taken care of, or I could even take a week off of work and watch him, or just take care of all the arrangements for him myself. Her reply "I have to say I'm surprised to hear you say that." That's been a good 180 behavior for me, to be flexible about my work schedule and making W a priority over my work. Not the first time in the last six months W has been surprised by that and said so.
She just shared an article on Facebook today (publicly, not just with me) about Love Bombing, which was described as manipulative behavior of showering someone with love at the beginning of a relationship to establish dominance in the relationship, and then punish the victim by withdrawing the love. W has often shared articles like that in the past, and I don't know if I should talk to her about them or ignore them. I always feel like she is accusing me with them, and reinforcing her victimized feelings. A 180 for me would be to ask her about the article instead of ignoring it. I could just ask her if Love Bombing has been her experience. Of course that opens myself to more attacks and criticism, or could trigger more pain for her.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
Yeah, don't touch the subject of that article with a 10 foot pole. When spouse want out and don't have a good reason for that want, they will find anyway they can to justify that. This love bombing thing is a crock. Falling in love at the beginning of a relationship is natural. And that limerance phase doesn't last. Eventually you settle into a deeper loving relationship, which doesn't require constant affirmation of love, affection, and all the rest of what goes with the "falling in love" phase.
The problem is that many people are addicted to that phase. And once that phase naturally subsides they go looking for it elsewhere. That isn't love bombing, that is a natural maturation of a relationship.
Now, it is true that dominant and controlling people will eventually show their true colors after the limerance phase, but even that is overblown. Could you have been more loving? Understanding? Caring? Probably, since we all could be better about that. But that doesn't mean you are guilty of what this article is suggesting.
Let it lie. Keep 180ing, GAL (yes I know it is tough with kids), and being the best STH that you can be.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
From someone who was in the same place as you this time last year. Your W doesn't give a damn about your feelings. No amount of begging, pleading or applying logic to the situation is going to change that. Forget being cordial or kissing her butt in an attempt no to upset her. Because she still won't care. You need to solely focus on yourself and your child. Consider W a loss and prepare yourself mentally to move on.
Your W had an A and probably hasn't even really offered an apology for it. But is walking around like her stuff doesn't stink. You want to feel better, then let her see you getting ready to move on.
Except that this is standard play from the WW/WAW playbook. Almost all of them say "I feel trapped" especially if they don't get their way with the LBH leaving the house, the MBR, doing the D work, etc. No one can make her feel trapped except herself.
Correct, when she is "pitching" her excuses as to why she wants out. I was referring to the WW's depression and truly feeling as if there is no escape for her. I felt it when I made the hard decision to end my A. I immediately felt as if I was doomed to live in an unhappy M. And, I might add.....it was before the grieving process even had time to begin.
The WW in this case, is suffering from serious depression. She had not been grieving the OM, if she was preparing to be with him. If the OM dumped her, or something else happened to end her plans to be with OM......then she could feel trapped in the MR. Thus, her desperation to end it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
