Making every effort to save marriage pls help pt2

[raws]

Well, thats it guys. Its all over. Hope is lost.

Neighbor let me know the sheriff was at my hoise looking for me. Probably to serve a TRO, papers or both.

I also came home to a chamge of address notification from the post office for her.

Thats it. It wasnt a game or a bluff or an attempt to gain more control in the relationship. I'm so completely lost and shocked at how fast this is all piling up.

Thank you all for helping me with this whole thing, the last time and this time. I appreciate everything. I'm totally lost right now.

[Maika]

Listen, nothing is lost. I know that on the surface it looks all catastrophic, but in a way it's a blessing in disguise. I don't know you don't want to hear that, but I reckon it's very true, and here's why.

She has basically forced No contact and going dark for you and make this separation very real. She's not leading you around or coming back for cake or giving you mixed messages. What she has done is drastic and dramatic and there is no other interpretation other than that she needs to be away from you and needs her space.

I know it's a horrendous feeling to see that your loved one put your aside like trash and took everything out and just left. As others have noted, she's being vindictive too.

The only way this is a complete loss is if you sink into a depression and not get out of the grieving process. She's forcing you to let her go and drop the rope. Take it.

Yes, it's happening fast, but instead of her waffling around not sure what to do and being indecisive and taking advantage of you, she's just gone ahead and pulled the band-aid off in one shot. She's not letting you down easy or whatever.

Take this opportunity to get emotional and mental grounding. This alone time for self-reflection and self-care is extremely important.

[OrangeK]

Hey man, im dealing with a BS TRO as well.
Honestly its been a blessing in disguise.
Before it got placed on me in Jan i was doing all the wrong stuff.
Begging, pleading, getting angry, confronting her about OM and so on.
Since the TRO i have been able to step back, give her the space (because i had to, literally) that she had asked for (to continue her affair). This time has allowed me to focus on myself, which has been a huge help.
It has also allowed me the time to study up on the best DB techniques to work this situation as best I can.
I know I am in a much better spot to deal with this correctly now that ive had this time to step back, reflect and form a strategy.

It [censored], it still rips me up inside sometimes, but its useful.
Use it. focus your emotions on self improvement. dont let it take you down.

Between Oct and Jan/Feb I lost 40 lbs, i was sick all the time, barely sleeping, a mess.

Once i embraced the distance time and space, and used it to learn and improve myself, things have been a lot better.
Not great, but noticably better, and improving daily.

dig deep, be kick@$$.

[AnotherStander]

Well, thats it guys. Its all over. Hope is lost.

I wish everyone here could go to Retrouvaille, if for nothing else then just to hear the coach couples talk about what they went through before reconciling. This one older couple looked like a kindly, elderly couple that had probably been married for 50 years, the kind of peaceful, loving marriage we all wish for. But man oh man! The husband had left, burned through all their savings, took up with a number of women, and spent most of his time in a drunken state, all while his wife stubbornly refused to give up on their M. I doubt she knew what DB'ing was but she gave him time and space and let him act the fool. He actually begged her to divorce him, by his own admission he was too lazy and self-absorbed to do the hard work of a D himself. But she just left him alone. At some point she talked him into Retro and it was an absolute disaster. He ranted and railed the entire time calling it all BS and a waste of his time. Eventually his insane MLC lifestyle just about killed him. He hit rock bottom, and he begged his W to take him back. She had a number of requirements first, one of which was going to Retro again. This time he went with a humble spirit and that made all the difference. Now they are happier together than ever before (this all transpired 15 years ago). When they recounted their story he was brought to tears many times over the horrible things he did and how in awe he was of this rock of a woman that behaved with the utmost dignity throughout.

My point is hope belongs to YOU. It's there as long as YOU choose, and gone when YOU choose. Your W's current actions are a reflection of how she feels RIGHT NOW. That could change in a week, month, year or longer. No one knows what the future holds.

[raws]

AS- When I wrote this last night I was in a really bad place. I think I'm just frustrated at this point. I'm going to need to get a lawyer to deal with whatever allegations she came up with in order to get this TRO in the first place. On top of that I may have to deal with any criminal allegations she may have made up as well. The fact that that is a real possibility, a real thing I even have to write that is unbelievable.

How are we supposed to move on from this? How can I ever trust her again? Even if she did want to fix things (she's made no contact and theres no indication she does) how do we move forward from here? It's one thing to be a drunk or a party person or a womanizer, its completely different when the legal system gets involved.

I'm sorry, man. I'm just frustrated. Nothing she's done thus far shows an indication of wanting to halt the direction she's going. Everything she's done, she's done knowing it would get to me. Now she's coming after me with what I'm assuming is a TRO. I haven't tried to contact her in the week she's been gone, what does she need to restrain me from?

What a mess.

[raws]

Here's a bit of an update. Got the TPO on thursday. I'm meeting with a lawyer tomorrow. I think she was looking for a way out of our marriage and the TPO was her way. She probably expected me to go get my vehicle and pets from her and violate the TPO. I didn't do anything. I've gone dark and haven't tried to make any type of contact. At this point I don't think this marriage is salvageable, even if I wanted it to be. And for the first time in the 9 years I've known her, I don't think I want it to be with her.

I didn't leave the house today, other than to mow the lawn. I worked on a statement for the lawyer detailing our marital issues and how we got to where we are now pretty much all weekend.

I know I should be working on me and GAL, I've just got no motivation to do so and I'm exhausted both physically and mentally. I went over to a friends house last night and hung out with him and his girlfriend. It was nice but I couldn't think of anything but coming home.

I don't know I'm probably just in the depression stage of grief, but I feel completely indifferent to just about everything. This is the longest we've ever gone without talking and its going to be at least 10 more days before were even allowed to talk, depending on what happens at the TPO hearing. Everything reminds me of us. Whether I'm in the house or not. I miss her and I miss my pets. Maybe not her now, but when things were good. I miss that version of her.

Is this normal? I'm thinking about going to the Doc tomorrow and trying to get something to help me with anxiety and sleep but I also think there is value in feeling this. When I quit drinking I grew so much through dealing with our issues and I know I wouldn't have grown as much and learned as much from that experience if I wasn't sober. Will I lose the growth part of this experience if I am medicated?

I just needed to get this off my chest.

[JujuB]

Being with her is not an option. Maika used a great analogy with the bandaide being ripped off. Your forced straight into grief right now. But you know what? Hope will make you crazy. Once you give up hope, it's much easier to move on.

She discarded you. That says more about her then you. Why would you want to be with someone that does this anyhow? She's not a committed person.

Can't answer about the meds. I never went on them. I probably should have though.

[Maika]

JujuB summed it up pretty well.

All I can say is that you need let yourself feel your emotions, physically. Listen to your body and allow yourself to be overcome with emotions. Let it all out - it's going to be very cathartic.

Don't suppress your emotions and how you're feeling. Give this a week and then start picking yourself up and your journey of healing.

My W just walked out - not in the same dramatic fashion as yours - but she didn't want to take a look back and try to repair anything. She was DONE and is still DONE!. It came out of left field. So, I know what it means to feel like you've been discarded - it is immensely painful to be rejected. You can't intellectualize your way out of this. You have to let your emotions drive your healing first, so that it catches up to your mind. Your mind can understand and metabolize logic, but until your heart is in sync with it, you'll stay stuck.

I'll second JujuB's questions. Again, don't know about the meds, but maybe someone who did take some can provide answers.

Hang in there! I know it's excruciating. Man, I still have some painful days, like today when $hit hits you like a brick out of nowhere. I let myself feel the emotions at the end of the day and had a good cry and let it out, and now I know how to pick myself up for tomorrow.

You can do this.

[AnotherStander]

I didn't do anything. I've gone dark and haven't tried to make any type of contact.

Good approach.

At this point I don't think this marriage is salvageable, even if I wanted it to be. And for the first time in the 9 years I've known her, I don't think I want it to be with her.

I think it's probably too soon for you to know that for sure, but it does happen a lot where the LBS becomes the WAS. Try not to concern yourself too much about the M right now, just focus on you.

I don't know I'm probably just in the depression stage of grief, but I feel completely indifferent to just about everything.

You may be in "situational depression". I went through it as well, the timing was really strange as nothing in particular triggered it. I thought I was doing OK and then about 2 months after BD is when it hit. I felt like a black void was inside me, like I had no soul. I lost all feelings for anything, even my kids. Started thinking suicide might be the best solution to things. I went to the doc and was diagnosed with depression (and anxiety attacks) and got on A/D's. They take a while to kick in but after a few weeks I felt like my old, normal self. I slowly weaned off of them after around 6 months (reduced the percentage once a week after consulting with the doc) and never looked back.

I'm thinking about going to the Doc tomorrow and trying to get something to help me with anxiety and sleep but I also think there is value in feeling this.

Go to the doc and they will give you a questionnaire to fill out and they will ask you followup questions too. Based on that they can determine if you are just grieving or if you are in depression. Depression isn't just a matter of "feeling bad" it is more of an illness that needs treating.

Will I lose the growth part of this experience if I am medicated?

Definitely not.

[Surfer]

Raw,

If meds work that's the right thing for you.

Personally, i believe exercise is 10 times better. You might not feel like it but run, gym, swim, walk. It all stops the churn in your mind. It is stopping the churn that is needed.Reading can help too I find. Talking helps with friends, perhaps over a drink or two, but IMHO you must avoid binge drinking etc. It will stop you thinking properly.

The upside is the churn will 100% go. But you need to let it and aim towards it.

You will get there. Just have faith in that for now and take each day as it comes. Live for surviving the day as such.

Surfer.