He moved back in last month and we are reconciling. He was out of the house for about 9 months. For the first 2-3 we were separated, then he said we were over and no coming back. I let him go. Two weeks later, he says it was a mistake and he wants to be with me and do whatever it takes to make it work... and from that point on, he had changed and was genuinely working on us.
So we started dating each other again... having fun. He traveled a lot for work (abroad) but we talked every day and spent lots of time together. Sex got better and is now better than at any other point in our marriage. He is communicating his emotions more than he ever did previously.
I have learned and grown so much over the past year to the point that it is kind of astounding. I have learned to be okay alone; learned to not rely on a relationship to make myself happy; learned about the importance of having space and friend time outside the relationship.
He admitted that it was working nights that really put him into such a downward spiral, and saw the difference in his quality of life when he was working abroad and able to have a more normal schedule. I think he has SAD and the working nights just intensified it. We hadn't worked on issues in our marriage -- we had just tried to suck them up and be positive. We didn't ever engage in healthy conflict. He felt emasculated because I was more successful in our jobs (now we are both essentially equally successful, which has helped -- he has gained confidence through promotions). He had a bit of an identity crisis too as an immigrant who'd changed drastically after moving to the US -- his belief system, his values, and his worldview are so different than when we first met that it also made him question who he was and my role in his having changed.
I know we aren't out of the woods yet. There still could be issues -- I mean, there will be for sure. But we are more connected, more attracted to each other, more excited to spend time together and plan for the future, more affectionate, better listeners, better attentive to each others' love languages than ever before. We both accepted divorce and then CHOSE to be with each other again and for the last few months, our relationship and marriage has been stronger than ever before.
I didn't follow all of the rules here, but the one that I found most helpful with other tools was the idea of detachment. Learning that it was my job to not be affected by his moods or what he said, and that all I could control was my own behavior and how I reacted? It was revolutionary. It helped me immensely, and made me a better partner. The idea of being the lighthouse was also a metaphor I kept in my head. I wasn't cold. I didn't say things that were hurtful. I didn't bring him down. I was lukewarm but didn't beg, didn't tell him I couldn't do it without him. I told him I was here and that I was willing to try. I tried to be inviting, I spent lots of time with friends and family, I had a work promotion, I worked out and ate healthier... The other take-away was the pursued/pursurer concept and needing a balance there. Absolutely. I never had a balance; I always pursued. That's changed.
So... we're talking babies (I want things to be settled down for awhile first since the idea of him leaving again if we had kids would be too much), a new house, travel (we both have had our income increase by 1.3x or more in the last 10 months)... It's totally, totally different. We have moments of joy. And I'm really happy about that.
Wow!!! What a fantastic update!!! That's the kind of story that is so great to hear. Very, very happy for you!!! Please stop by again sometime in the future to let us know how you are doing. (((HUGS)))
What an awesome update! It's stories like these that give me hope that things can turn around no matter how bleak they look now. Look forward to hearing updates in the future.
This is truly wonderful news, mybest. An outcome many of us hope for.
Looking back through your posts, I especially appreciate your healthy, mature integration of what works and what doesn't, in terms of advice on this board. Your approach makes sense: respectfully read what others say, ponder what is true to you, and don't fetishize "rules," or jump to conclusions based on other people's experiences.
As another member, FlySolo, said recently, sometimes people need us just to listen, not to "fix" things.
MyBest, that's a great update! It's wonderful you thought to return and let everyone know what happened. I'm so glad to hear you experienced such personal growth and now are reconciling and can build on all your progress. I hope you'll continue to keep us posted!
Just wanted to drop in for an update. Life continues to be mostly good and we are even trying for kids (!). Things have really turned around (knock on wood) - in the last 6 months, he has stopped working nights and received a promotion and two raises; I received a promotion and a raise. We are looking at a bigger house. He is sweet, caring, affectionate, and funny. We go spend time together at our favorite cafe after work a few times a week, go for walks at night, and are planning a much-needed vacation. Sex life is much better. Things that had previously escalated in tension, we are both better at giving each other what we need. Life isn't perfect, and things could always go downhill, but it just feels night and day from this time last year.
Hi Mybest, it's wonderful to hear that everything worked out for you! It's great to hear that success stories do happen every-so-often! Enjoy each moment with your husband!
