I’ve accepted that the girl I fell in love with and married is gone and even if she does come back she will be different. I’ve been doing the 180, created distance and have gone as dark as I can while living together. I’ve stopped chasing for her attention and physical contact.
My husband sounds like the male version of your wife. It all started after we had our daughter four years ago. Suddenly he doesn't like his life, marriage is a trap, he lost all his freedom, etc.. He's had several affairs since this started.
When you say your wife went through a war, do you mean overseas? Like in a war-torn country? My husband is from Iraq and grew up amidst several wars. I used to think maybe that was a factor but here on this board it sounds like plenty of Americans and people from the UK behave the same way. Nevertheless, people who went through a war may feel like they missed out on life and want to make up for it in various ways.
It seems important to check and see whether your wife's desires are just in her mind or if she plans to act upon them (going out as a free woman, dating other guys, etc..). Perhaps she's just imagining all these things but won't ever act on them. It seems like what she actually does verses what she says might make a difference for you.
I hope your wife will pass this phase and the two of you can make things work for your child. My husband and I also have only one child and it seems like it's not an ideal for an only child to live in a broken home. It seems like a lonely life for that child, but maybe I'm wrong.
Thanks for sharing. My W came from a worn torn country as well but I really think it’s more about her parents raising her without any emotional support and boundaries that may have an effect. My wife has said a few times it’s just a phase and has said a few times I need to do this and then we can come back and live happier ever after. Yeah right!!!
I hope you resolve things with your husband. I’ve been using the motivation of keeping the family together as quiet motivation but have accepted that I won’t trash my values to do it and live in a loveless marriage.
I’ve been working hard at GAL and she has noticed but hasn’t made any major moves back towards working on our marriage. I’m looking for small signs as motivation but each day is a battle right now. My boundary is an affair and I’ve been willing to divorce over it from the start and I still do.
My wife never had an actual affair with a real person, that being said I am of the belief that their is always an affair that goes with MLC. I am not inside their heads but I would bet if I was mind reading for real that she had an affair with a character in a book or different ones from different books. No matter what she never returned from this in 9 years so far.
Ric, my husband said the same thing the first and second time he left. "I need six months to find myself and then we'll save our marriage...." he would say. There must be some common phenomenon happening here. If only there was enough research or data to understand the long-term outcome of this psychology. What happens to these people in five or ten years? If they get their freedom and still aren't happy, then what?
My opinion is that the high they are chasing is avoiding the low and pain that have to deal with. Kinda like a drug user. They won’t find it unless they address the core issue that’s causing their flight for freedom. But, we can’t force them and they have to go on their journey and leave us with the destruction.
Cadet, I get that the affair/fantasies are/have happened in her head and maybe she won’t ever let go of that until she gets to act it out. I’ve resigned to that fact that she will probably do this. It’s human nature I guess but I won’t wait around while she does it. I’m determined to move forward with my life.
Yeah it’s hard not to think about dating someone else, especially when you detach and you crave intimacy with someone, not just sex but closeness. I’ve had a few women try and get close to me recently and it’s really hard to push back. Also the temptation of filing for divorce is there when I hit my low spots and just want the pain to end.
