I’ve been scouring this and other websites in the hopes of finding a solution to my problem..
Married for 9.5 years, dated for 2 previous to that. We have two beautiful daughters, 8 and 6, and her son from a previous relationship. I found out on 12/20 that she’s been cheating on me for about a month with a coworker, and when I confronted her with it she told me she didn’t want to stop seeing him, that he makes her feel like she’s never felt before. She also tells me that she doesn’t love me anymore and stopped loving me about two years ago. Before the affair started, she said she had already spoken to a lawyer about divorce. Completely floored me, and I’ve been a wreck ever since.
Since then I’ve tried every way I could think of to convince her to stop the affair so we could fix our marriage, but she doesn’t trust that I’ll change and doesn’t want to invest the time and emotion to only be let down again.
I always thought we had a good relationship, with the typical ups and downs of any marriage. After the girls were born, we had less time to spend with each other, but my love for her never faded. Her issues with me were I was a bully when we argued (never physical, just an aggressive debater who always wanted to “win” the argument), that I never wanted to go anywhere with just her, and after the pregnancies I wasn’t interested in sex. She addressed these issues with me quite a few times over the years, and I would make the changes for a while but almost always fell back into my old ways. I was always affectionate with her and made sure she knew I loved her every day, but she wanted more. I don’t mean to paint her as a bad person, because I certainly accept responsibility for the marriage being damaged. But I never knew it was divorce-level bad and feel like if she had told me of her plans, I would have done everything in my power to fix the marriage and make her happy again. But now, there’s an affair to contend with and she is sure that whatever I do she wouldn’t change her mind anyway.
I’ve already notified the OMS via email, and from what I understand from my wife, the OM is going to leave his wife.
I'm still living at home, doing my best to 180 and detach. Overall, I think it's helped our interactions as there's a lot less tension between us, we joke with each other more, and there's some affection as well. But she still texts and sees the OM regularly.
I was served divorce papers earlier this week, and we've agreed to discuss how we want to handle everything, including possibly bird-nesting or double-nesting to minimize the impact of the divorce on our daughters. But all I want, more than anything in this world, is to not get divorced and eventually repair our marriage.
I hope that if I continue the 180 and detachment, she'll eventually realize that she'd be a fool to leave me and would end the affair. But every day is an emotional roller-coaster and my conviction wavers at times, making me want to beg her to stay.
I'm hoping for any advice from this forum, on what I'm doing wrong (or right) and what else I should be doing.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I'm just starting bird nesting next week. We're trying to minimize the impact to the kids, too. We're not filed, but W is not interested in saving the marriage.
It sounds like you're doing the right things. Posting here about specifics is good. Make sure to GAL, as it helps with the detaching. IC can be useful in helping you sort through your thoughts, get off of 'spinning' mode, etc. You want to hash those out with somebody who is NOT your WW, so that is a big benefit of IC. You're still very early in the process, and it's easy to go off the rails. So keep posting, venting, here, and keep working positively at home.
Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s M:11 T:13 S, D, both 7-10 BD : 11/2017 Separation : 1/18
I'm still living at home, doing my best to 180 and detach. Overall, I think it's helped our interactions as there's a lot less tension between us, we joke with each other more, and there's some affection as well. But she still texts and sees the OM regularly.
Coping,
I am really sorry you are here but this place can really help you if you truest in the process.
First please resist all the things you feel like doing e.g. begging, pursuing, affection ???. Why on earth do you want to show affection to a woman who is having an affair and has filed for divorce? This is a very typical actions from newbies who come here but the problem is it actually makes things worse. It makes you look very weak and needy.
Think about it the woman who vowed to you for better or for worse is breaking the most sacred wedding vow and you are rewarding her for it. I know your thinking if I would have just given her more of that then I wouldn't be in the position right now. Maybe or maybe not. It's too late for that right now. Maybe not in the future but as long as there is an OM you should refrain from any pursuit or affection.
Right now you can't make things better but you can make them worse. Print out Sandi's 37 rules in the homework page and start following them immediately. You use the words 180 and detachment but I am guessing you don't fully understand what they mean. Detaching takes a very long time.
Exercising is a must try to do it as often as possible. Get out with family and friends whenever possible. Take any focus of your W and place all of it on you and your kids.
This is a marathon and not a sprint so buckle up your seat belt and get ready for the ride of your life. These sitches usually take years to play out.The best DBers are strong and confidant and do things that don't feel natural. What kind of DBer are you going to be?
You mentioned that you're still living at home. I hope that doesn't mean that you're planning on leaving the home. If she wants out of the M and she wants a D, then she can go if she wants.
What are the current sleeping arrangements? Is she texting him in front of you and/or telling you she's going to see OM?
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Thanks LH19, I've been following Sandi's 37 rules throughout this process. Sometimes not as diligently as I should, but they always help to bring me back into focus. I'm sure I don't yet know what 180 and Detachment fully mean, but I'm certainly trying to learn for my sake. The affection is minimal, but I know I need to stop it altogether, for pride if nothing else. And I'm definitely finding the value of exercising regularly. Incredible stress reliever!
Coconut - She makes twice what I do, so buying her out of the house would not be an option. But that's down the road for now. We share a bed, our daughters share a room and we have a third room as a playroom/study. She's very careful not to text him in front of me, but I'm not stupid. She gets up much earlier than I do, and that's when she has most of her contact with him. They are both crane operators for the local union and work together. The last few weeks, she's been going down to the training site Wed-Fri to get more experience on different cranes, and he happens to live near there. No, she does not tell me that she's seeing him when she's there, but I know.
Short version, 180s are easy, look at yourself, what don't you do that the "perfect" you would do? Do you dress poorly, if so the perfect you would buy nice clothes and dress better all the time. Do you make your bed daily, if not the perfect you would so do it. 180s are simply getting rid of bad habits and picking up good ones.
Detachment is much more complicated and difficult to achieve, but basically feeling towards your wife the way you would a friend or child, and not letting their actions affect your emotions. You can love them, but not let their actions dictate your emotions. For example, if you had a son and they broke up with their girlfriend, you might be sad for them, but you would be ok and keep living your life, it wouldn't cause you emotional distress. Same concept, your wife does something crazy like have an A, you might say too bad, I kinda hoped we would stay married, but you move on and keep living your life.
As for the house, I'm not suggesting you buy her out, just that you not move out.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Thanks, that helps simplify detachment pretty well for me. And I agree that I’m not in full detachment yet, but I’ve been trying and it does help keep the emotions in check and keep me in a better state of mind.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
So keep posting, venting, here, and keep working positively at home.