Am struggling badly today. I missed DS4 very much - it was his weekend with WH. Today is Monday and I got to see him for ten minutes before we had to leave for school, and the last time I saw him was Friday morning. In that ten minutes, he just piped out from nowhere - "Daddy said he's always going to be with 'OW name'." My heart just died.
I asked him why did WH say that - was it because DS had asked him if he was coming home again? I said we don't ask WH/Daddy that anymore. DS4 just kept quiet. I'm guessing he did.
I am all over the place this morning. I have to see WH later today to talk about the divorce settlement.
My in-laws offered to lend me some money to buy WH out on the condition they have an interest in my house. This is my only hope of retaining the family home. I got a text while I was at lunch with a friend yesterday from MiL saying that they were still happy to help but would only offer me a reduced sum. I just cried into my soup. They know I can't proceed without the sum they originally committed just before Christmas. I feel I am being out-manouvered.
When my in-laws first offered to lend me the money, WH was really cross with them. I think the in-laws think this is their way of keeping both sides happy - well, keeping him happy and screwing me over but in a nice way - he gets his outcome in that my counter offer is now screwed, and they get to pretend that they tried to help me. They have access to the full sum - they've just withdrawn it.
I feel very frightened, and under attack. Close to tears. The stability of remaining in the house was the one thing I was clinging to - God has been nowhere so that's been no use.
My in-laws offered to lend me some money to buy WH out on the condition they have an interest in my house. This is my only hope of retaining the family home. I got a text while I was at lunch with a friend yesterday from MiL saying that they were still happy to help but would only offer me a reduced sum.
Your in-laws offered to loan you money for you to stay in the house? Can't say I've ever heard of an arrangement like that before! Is there a reason you want to stay there? I think I'd rather move out then be on the hook to my ex-in-laws. I had a lot of respect for them, but still that would be an awkward situation.
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They know I can't proceed without the sum they originally committed just before Christmas. I feel I am being out-manouvered.
My brother put his foot down about moving out of the house when his W left him. They've been D'd for many years now and that house has proven to be far more than he can afford. The utility bills, mortgage, upkeep and taxes have crippled him. His credit cards are maxed out and he lives paycheck to paycheck. All I'm saying is make sure that if you are staying there, you are staying for the right reasons and can afford to stay. Don't stay just as a sign of defiance to your H.
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I feel very frightened, and under attack.
Very sorry you're feeling this way. Do you think maybe your desire to stay in the house is allowing you to be controlled and is what is causing the fear?
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God has been nowhere so that's been no use.
It didn't seem like he was there for me either. Or maybe he was but it didn't seem like it because he wanted me to suffer and grow from this experience. We need to find the strength to get through these horrible situations. It's not easy, not at all. It's akin to going to war. You'll survive, but you'll have emotional scars, and a steely glint in your eye that will never go away.
Hello, I know is hard for us LBS, but don't lose Faith God is with us all trust me, maybe not today or tomorrow or years from now but you will see that all this is happening for a reason. Keep swimming here is a story, I and s9,d9 and s8 where going be homeless no home or a clue where we was our next home and literally 5 days before becoming homeless God came through my bf ask how do you keep your strength and faith I answer I don't know myself either but somebody is watching over us. And I knew that God had nothing to do with this so as hard things kept getting I keep praying and know that all this is part of his plan. So keep strong it may not seem like it so but you will be smiling again you will realize you deserve better.
Good day my friend.
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
Get a new place to live. It will be hard, but you do NOT want to be connected to his family any more than you already are. Especially financially. That's asking for trouble.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
Your in-laws offered to loan you money for you to stay in the house? Can't say I've ever heard of an arrangement like that before!
I think my in-laws offered out of guilt. Guilt inspired by my WH's own apparent lack of guilt. I was close to them - lived with them for four years. My culture says we should treat our in-laws as our own parents, and I endeavoured to do that. I don't have any family where I live - my family is continents away, a 13 hour direct flight, and I gave up a great life to join WH here. They are the closest thing I have to a family here and even if they don't treat me the same, I think they recognise I am alone and they feel sorry for me.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Is there a reason you want to stay there?
There are SO many reasons I want to stay in the house. I feel safe there. I have built up a network of friends who live close by who I know I can rely on. Last week my front door jammed and I couldn't get in. I was on the doorstep in the freezing cold with DS wailing. I panicked - I didn't want to call WH and he would take an hour to get there at least. But I knew I could call a good friend who lives minutes away - she got her husband to head straight down to us to kick the door in. Another good friend lives in the very next street - when DS was ill at school and I couldn't get time off work to collect him (yes my boss is that evil), I knew I could call her to pick him up. My next door neighbour has become a good friend - we hang out - watch movies and have dinners together. Stuff like that.
Second, we bought this house as a wreck and remodelled it over a year. I will never be able to afford a remodel again, for anywhere - I have literally built the closest thing to a dream home. It was a year of non-stop renovation - all my free time was spent deciding on tiles, flooring, light fittings, door knobs... Every single decision was made by me - WH was not interested and got stressed out by details. I've built myself into this house.
Third, my in-laws come all the time to visit and stay. They will continue to do so even if I have to move. I am beholden to them anyway - the culture bred into my bones doesn't let me reject them and be comfortable with myself. I don't see it as being on the hook to them. I see them as helping me secure something for my son and getting somewhere to stay that they are comfortable in. I bend over backwards when they visit - I stock the fridge with the favourite foods, prepare meals, take my MiL out... all they do is sit and enjoy being with DS.
This point is closely related to another crucial factor. I don't get to see my parents and friends from home very often. Now DS is in school, I can only visit my home country with him for 3 weeks in the year. So I figure, if I can't go home, then let's get home to come to me. The house is of a comfortable size for my parents to come and stay for a month, maybe two, without feeling cramped. They spent a month with me in November - it was wonderful. My mother is thinking of coming back and staying 3 months with me, with my dad and sister popping in - I would LOVE that. I have had friends from my home country come to stay and I love it, being able to say, I have space, come and hang out! this is super important to me. If I have to sell, to get a space of equivalent size where I live - wouldn't be able to afford it. I would have to leave the area, which makes daily commute to DS school difficult and creates an issue for catchment into secondary school later.
And finally, this was meant to be our legacy for our son. It was meant to be our forever home, and it would have set our son up nicely. It's in a good location, safe neighbourhood. I've worked with WH hard all these years to bring us to this place to secure this for DS. Just because WH's given up on the dream doesn't mean I have.
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I felt really low yesterday when I hadn't heard. I am trying to not talk about my sitch to people anymore because they are getting sick of it - people who haven't gone through this don't understand and I only know one person who's gone through a divorce - she is patient and understands but others are, "Why aren't you over it already?" Like it's a switch I can flick off.
I didn't get a chance to see any replies before I had to talk WH, but seeing them afterwards made me feel less alone, so thank you very much.
