I get what you are trying to say LH19... to me however, sex with her is something i only want when there is love involved.
You see, i kinda have a bad history with getting "used" for sex when there's no other emotions in it, and that doesn't sit well with me anymore so i'm not having any more of that! I mean sure, when both parties KNOW it's just sex like a one night stand with a stranger, then fine, whatever floats your boat, but in this case where i still love this woman and she just wants to have sex but nothing else, it's a pretty lonely feeling for the left behind party that you don't really want!
As for the boundaries, yeah, i feel like i am not sure how far i wanna go since i still love her and don't want to push her away... which might be exactly what will happen if i am not clear with her. Well, my method has had SOME success at least since we are still not divorced so... the thing is figuring out where to head from here.
As for MLC and responsibility yeah... sure they're responsible for their actions but so are Teenagers and yet they're often making terrible decisions because they just don't know any better at that time in their lives.
So you are going to compare a 16 year old kid w/o life experiences to a forty year old mother of a young child? Fine! How do you control at rebellious teenager? With boundaries! Right now you are enabling her behavior and affair!
No one will ever treat you in a way that you don’t allow them too. IMO if you don’t set some boundaries, you are in for a long period of soul sucking limbo.
can you post a short summary on your profile? I only ask b/c it would help me recall your backstory without having to go all the way back to the beginning.
More later...and thanks
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I read thru your whole thread. What LH says really rings true to me. Sorry, but your situation is Not that uncommon around here, and it hit me the same way it hit LH.
You feel some responsibility for the messy issues in the m, which you helped create in b/c evidently you had some deficits as a h. You describe them as "many" and as fairly serious. Okay, I get that. It is NO small thing.
It's hard work to SEE our flaws, CHOOSE to change, and then MAKE the changes, AND KEEP them.
I know this from personal experience.
If I were you, I would absolutely work on those traits, b/c they are not desirable in you, according to YOU.
We all have our "stuff" to work on and sometimes we can be brought to our knees realizing our part in the pain we feel.
But not changing is pretty crazy, (against our own interests), it's selfish b/c it hurts others, and it's cowardly not to work on those.
We all have to face ourselves and "man/woman up" to be our best selves - or at least not our mediocre selves.
Having said that^^^, and stipulating that ^^^^ it's a big deal, there is something else going on here.
You & your w are not behaving like a married couple.
Your marriage started out in an unusual way b/c you said you only married to purchase a home, so the relationship sounds as if it began as less than a committed marriage usually begins.
So maybe there has been a lack of clarity about what your relationship really is, for some time.
For a marriage or R to last, the people in it have to have similar views of what that relationship is, and what it takes from each to keep it going.
Seems you two have different views of what you each committed to, and what you are each willing to do for the relationship itself.
She's got one foot out the door and has said as much. In some ways you do too.
You are there as a father to your son, as a housemate and sometime companion to your wife...
It's almost as if you have put yourself into the role of a gay friend.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I do not know why you'd enable her to go on a trip with a man.
I don't care if she says he's gay. First, 1) I do not believe he's gay, and
2) second, even if he is, it's very inappropriate for a married woman to take a trip away from her son and h, with another man. Period. (Maybe she's laying the groundwork for other trips with other men, or maybe this is the OM.)
Certainly I don't think rolling over on that will re-attract her to you. I think just the opposite.
Of course you cannot stop her. You are not in control of her.
But what is with the wishy washy response when she asked?
IMO, when a wife asks her h if he's okay with her going on a trip with OM, she's practically begging for a boundary (AND OR consequence) to know how far she can push you
and you just said "farther...maybe"
I like she wants to see IF there are any limits to what she can do around you. Any boundaries.
Boundaries are about what YOU will tolerate, what YOU will accept. You are not drawing boundary lines around her, you are drawing them around You.
If she brings him into the home and says he's just giving her a "massage" in the bedroom, what then?
If she doesn't come home at night, and shrugs when you ask her WTH is going on, what then? Is there anything she could do that would cause you to leave the home or marriage? I am asking if you have any internal boundary or line beyond which she cannot go.
Think about it...
As for the sexual interests she displays to you and which you reject (& it IS rejection, whatever the reason),
I am not very clear about your hopes with this course of action. What conditions are you attaching to intimacy, a deep emotional connection?
I certainly get that. But I'm a woman.
I don't get what you expect or want to happen because of this rejection.
Is it that you think she'll 1) realize that she wants you,
2) and then she will spontaneously decide to recommit to the marriage, and
3) after a period of some undetermined time, IF you feel safe enough, then you will resume an active sexual life?
I'm literally just asking.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
As far as the marriage thing is concerned, we have been together for 10 years before marrying and it was always clear to both of us that we were boyfriend/girlfriend, and that we'd stay together forever... we felt no need to marry, then when the thought came up of buying a house together, the idea came from HER to marry to make things more official and because it had some legal benefits. So generally speaking this should NOT have changed a thing within our relationship since it was just a formality basically.
Fast forward to a year ago almost now where her MLC started and where she's telling me that she feels constrained by our marriage, but really i think it was more the daily routine that she couldn't take anymore, note she has always been depressed once in a while too over the years, so that kinda feeds into it.
As for the sex thing, it's simple really, it was always an issue between us that she wanted to have more sex than i did. Her libido is just greater than mine. So a couple months ago i tried to give her that and it just didn't feel right to me. I felt like i was being used for sex since at that point she was already in full MLC mode with basically a broken empathy chip. I have realized that most of the time i DO want the love component when i am sleeping with her so that kinda traumatized me i suppose.
And yes, the idea is that we need to rebuild TRUST between us since right now there isn't much trust left on both sides. I love her and still want this to work and i have told her as much but i don't see a way if she doesn't change.
As for boundaries, it's really not that easy since the whole reason for her MLC IS the fact that she feels constrained and that i am holding her back from realizing her potential. (of course that i just a facade for deeper issues) she is projecting her issues onto me which i guess is absolutely typical for a spouse in MLC, it's textbook really.
Of course i wouldn't admit an other man in our house, but she still has the sense to not even go there.
Interesting though that you say she is ASKING For boundaries... i haven't seen it like that yet, and maybe it is time for me to make a statement now. Though i WILL wait with that until we have both signed the "post-nup" agreement so that our finances are separated nice and cleanly if things were to go south after all.
Re sex, I understand what you are saying in the reverse in that my w has said the same to me. I don’t know if now is the time to address your sex life but I think it must be at some point. She is frustrated because she isn’t getting what she wants. You are frustrated because you aren’t getting what you want. This is a common and bridgeable gap.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I read over your last post (still wish you'd put a summary in your signature block to remind us of your history).
So, when a woman does not feel desired by her h, it's a bigger blow to the ego than men realize. And
It's unusual, and the rarity of it makes it harder on the ego, imo.
I think it's ironic to hear you say you felt used for sex, as opposed to her really needing and wanting more intimacy and more passion. Many people feel closer with sex, as it's a bond.
Food for thought.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Before MLC, whenever we slept together it was good for both of us, it just wasn't often enough for her. During MLC though (when we were still intimate which we haven't been now for more than 2 months mainly because i don't allow it under these conditions) it didn't feel "right" as that "passion" or feeling of vulnerability/love that was always present in our earlier relationship was gone. It was like i was a one night stand for her and that is simply something i will not accept! I am her HUSBAND, not some affair or whatever that you can treat like that. So yeah, as you can tell, that incident really turned me off and i kinda vowed to not sleep with her again until we had a sort of actual relationship going again.
Which right now, is looking very unlikely i'm afraid, since most of the time she has no empathy towards me at all... I mean there is a moment here and there where it would seem she is looking through her MLC, but those moments are rare.
Without empathy, there can be no love. It's as simple as that really.
So i now have the choice to stay the course and hope things will improve over time OR i could take the risk and be intimate with her hoping it's gonna change things for the better. If it won't though, i will have lost ALL credibility since once again i won't STICK to a decision i made
It all is really confusing in my mind and i am at a loss here...
I think there's been a pattern of behavior and a resentful dynamic in your m that got you here. No forgiveness asked for or given.
Also, the DB principle about doing what works, is being lost here.
In The above post I asked about your expectations of your w, what you thought would happen - given your refusal to have sex without conditions precedent.
Can you answer those questions?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
the thing is figuring out where to head from here.