Since my last post, W has initiated talks about the past. She brings up events that I feel were non-issues, but seem to be now. I feel she is initiating the talks to justify wanting D. I do feel she is revising history on the things she brought up. I didn't tell her that, but tried to take everything she said as being true, listening, but then giving her my perspective. She reiterated multiple times that she still wants a D. Talks were calm.
She also brought up that she was asked on a date. She asked me whether I was mad. I said "No, I can't blame the guy if you aren't wearing your ring." I asked her if he was someone I knew. She said "No". She then proceeded to say that she's not ready to date yet, but that it's going to happen for the both of us. I take her telling me this as her being open and honest and/or preparing me for things to come.
She said that people tell her I'm an attractive guy. I told her I'm not even thinking about seeing other people right now, and I told her it is going to be difficult to see her with someone else. She volunteered that she hasn't been "physical" with anyone.
For Valentine's Day, I had the kids make her a card. I'm going to buy a single rose to include with the card. I'm ready for here to react negatively and possibly take it as pursuit from me, but I want to raise my kids to love their mom.
This morning, she said that she is having anxiety not being around the house more for the kids. I asked her whether she thought I was preventing her from having access to the kids. She said "No", but she got a bit uncomfortable based on the tone of her voice, and said that when the house is sold and she's able to buy her own house, the boys will be with her half the time. I tell her it will be difficult not seeing the kids half the time. She says that she made a doctor's appointment and wants to go on anti-anxiety meds.
I'm starting to think more that she hasn't finished her MLC starting back with BD1 like job suggested early on. The title of this topic shouldn't include "second cycle". All of this time, she's been in replay and possibly entering into depression now.
No 2x4's from me today. I think you are teaching your children what Valentine's Day is all about and they should give their mother a card and the single rose is nice. Let the kids give her the card and the rose. She won't feel any pressure if they are coming from them.
They do tend to revisit the past quite often because they are searching for what they think that they missed. Listen to her, but don't offer up any comments and/or advice unless she asks for your input. Revisiting the past is one way that they are working on themselves and reflecting about what happened.
Being a good listener, friend and finding more patience is difficult, but you are doing a good job.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just to update, Valentine's Day itself went well. She was very appreciative of the rose and card. The next day there was spew though, so reaction may have been delayed.
I'm guilty of snooping today. I find out that she was prescribed Lorazepam and Lexapro. Anyone have experience with these and have thoughts on whether it is a good thing that an MLCer is on these?
Been awhile since I've posted. It's been a roller-coaster with days where things seem normal and others where she is raging. What has been constant is her saying that she still wants D.
It seems like she looks for excuses to come by the MH. She comes by pretty much everyday. Today, she cooked lunch, did laundry (mine included), and cleaned the house. I've come to recognize that when she does nice things like this, I need to be prepared for some spewing. Sure enough it happened. Is this what they mean by MLCer going back in tunnel? She seems happy doing all of these nice things while she's doing them, but then it seems like she catches herself and is like "what am I doing?" and then the spewing.
She prompted a R talk the other day. I've held back criticizing her in past, but I told her that I thought she walked out on the family and that she could be more present for the kids. I expected her to get angry, but she seemed receptive to the criticism and it looked like she felt guilty. She agreed to a degree with what I said. I was surprised that she didn't spew after my comments. I'm hoping this shows growth on her part, but I am also second-guessing myself on whether I was too harsh.
She also says that she is going to get counseling. She has said this in the past, but hasn't gone. I'm hoping that she means it this time.
I am much more detached now than in Feb. When she gets angry I feel like I'm dealing with an unreasonable kid, and it doesn't affect me like it used to.
Should I continue to guilt my W with her actions and its affect on the family? I read that you can't guilt a person back into a relationship, and have followed that approach, but if she needs to hit rock-bottom before getting better, is guilting an MLCer a good tactic?
hispeed, guilting an MLCer. I have wondered about that as a tactic, as a way to facilitate their transition to rock bottom. I think it is best to not involve yourself in any guilt trips. Leave them to their own actions, karma, divine intervention, a higher power, or whatever - but we stay out of it.
If they want to talk about or discuss topics that are guilty, shameful, etc... proceed with caution. You do not want to be blamed for them feeling bad.
When they get to a place or time when guilt or remorse can start working on them, the MLCer has more than enough bouncing around in their head to cause overwhelming guilt. Us adding more guilt is like adding gas to an out of control fire; they are already struggling far too much trying to get their feeling under control.
I would say patience is the tactic to employe. Go slow and at their pace, the journey out of their tunnel is a long one, and they need to lead the way.
Stay strong. Stay patient.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
hispeed, DnJ has given you the truth. No guilt will work on them, because they are incapable of seeing that what they've done is wrong. Give it to God and let him fight for you.
Continue to detach and increase your GAL activities. Find the guy that you might have forgotten during your marriage. We all did something or had an interest that we let go during our relationships. Find that passion again and it will help you detach and keep your mind moving forward.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Thanks DnJ and SBJ. I agree to proceed with caution. Also, best to be detached if that is something one is going to try, as if it does fan the flames, be prepared. While I was doing it, I expected backlash from her, but to my surprise, I feel like some of it sunk in with her and she did seem guilty. Hoping that it is her fog lifting a bit.
Should I continue to guilt my W with her actions and its affect on the family? I read that you can't guilt a person back into a relationship, and have followed that approach, but if she needs to hit rock-bottom before getting better, is guilting an MLCer a good tactic?
My personal opinion is that guilt and shame are very strong and toxic components of what people who are suffering from MLC experience. So guilting or shaming them is both destructive and may indeed drive them away (even if it works in the short term). So I guess it depends on what is your goal. If you are looking for short term fixes or to gain something it may very well work, but I suspect it causes significant long term damage to the person and probably to the chances of a restored relationship.
Sorry for the blunt opinion, and keep in mind, it is simply my observation and opinion here. But I would not touch guilt or shame as any kind of tactic in this situation.
Was thinking along the same lines MarvinF. If short-term it helps things, long-term it may damage chances at Recon.
Yesterday, she came by the house when I wasn't around and did three loads of laundry, including mine. Usually she does the kids and lays mine out to fold, which I find somewhat childish and amusing. She cleaned the floors and pruned a few dying indoor house plants. Like I mentioned before, when she does nice things like this I await for some spew to follow shortly. So far nothing, yet, but all of these nice gestures still bewilder me, coming from someone who keeps saying she wants D.
