A new year... A new beginning

[OwnIt]

Lana, I keep writing responses to you and then deleting them. You are so sweet and so kind. I hate saying anything to you that is at all negative, but I don’t think the situation is a good one. The fact that he gives you nothing and doesn’t even attempt to see or interact with the kids unless you poke him is very troubling. This has been going on a very long time with no apparent progress.

Now he does apparently confess to another woman. In my limited experience, and as confirmed by several counselors I’ve seen, there is generally significantly more than they confess to.

He doesn’t tell you when he loses his job or moves to a new continent?

Lana, you can’t save him. You really can’t. I think you need to cut him loose as your gut is telling and move forward. You still have time to find the great love of your life and maybe someone who can be a father figure to the girls.

Maybe he will “recover” someday, but it seems a very long way off.

[Lana_71]

Thanks Own thanks Job
Today I was so upset too many emotions.i feel the need to know more details when what how long who many .. just like the early days ... I know this is not right and not good. I have been praying God to show me the way and I think it is clearer now.


Apparently he did tell his brother and that also made me angrier ... according to him he asked him and ofcourse the whole familia was pittying me I feel so humiliated once again. What was I thinking ... stupid me... and as you said is it only one? Or I will know of more...


I guess my only scare now is financial and hopefully will do it one day. Unfortunately there is nothing he can offer us. Neither now nor ever. He said we will talk on Thursday. I will not poke and if he ignore it , that will be better . But I hope he will be able to help in the future...

Thinking more I don’t even want to live in Europe . He has nothing appealing to us. My life with him was a bunch of struggles that will always be the same. I think he was pushing for me to file , he didnot have the courage to do that But most probably divorce would release him.

Looking at it I w I’ll still go ahead with Divorce after kids exams as planned. .

When I find a job things will be much better.
Hopefully I’ll be better tomorrow ...

[OwnIt]

I’m sorry this has brought you pain. I have found that my grief is very like an onion. Always another layer when I think I’ve reached the bottom.

You still have lots of time until May, and even more if you need it after, but I do think you have to be honest with yourself about what he is capable of and what he is not.

Given that he has contributed nothing financially, how will it be worse? I don’t know where you are, but you may be entitled to some social services or something to help you. I would start gathering information, that is empowering and future looking. You don’t have to take any decisive action until you are ready.

I would try to find an attorney to consult with where he is located so you can find out what they would need to enforce a judgment there. Maybe there is money you can get from child support or spousal support. I think in some places you may be able to get something from the country where he is located. European countries seem to have better social services.

Also you will need to talk to an attorney where you are. If he lived there before taking off, then it may be where jurisdiction lies since the kids are also there.

Take it slow and easy. Absorb the pain. I think everyone reacts viscerally to finding out about an affair, but in time even that pain lessens.

I’m sure his family doesn’t think ill of you, and if they do, they aren’t the kind of people who matter anyway. Change is initially hard, but living in limbo is the worst. You have been taking care of your girls by yourself a long time. You can do this.

[Lana_71]

Job , Own
Thank you for being there . Yes he is not ready and most probably will never be. I think this somehow was good for me although devastating. Now I know I will be in s better place without him. I don’t want him in my life no more. I keep thinking of our phone call and just recalling the way he was talking nothing changed , still twisted mind who feels victimized . I didnot see any remorse just cold facts. And me trying to be supportive.


For a while I saw my self like a woman who looks for a broken guy to fix. Really why should I . I don’t think he can live anyone nor himself. He see it that leaving everyone like that is his right and he is not hurting anyone.


Own legally it is more difficult than you think and would be easier if he was sensitive enough to support when he starts earning. We both have different nationalities and he lives in a third country so too many issues. Finalizing divorce will not be that easy but doable.


On other note I am lucky to have a great family who support me with no complaints my part time job pays for our expenses , outing, schooling. I hope will get a full time job especially that my eldest would need to go university in two years.

[OwnIt]

Lana,

While I am a lawyer, I don't practice family law and I certainly have not practiced international divorce issues, but my guess is that it is harder than I made it sound and easier than you think it is going to be.

When we look for people to save, it is because we are codependent or think we are not worthy of whole people. Some counseling may help with some of those issues.

Your family is certainly a blessing. I am not so lucky.

I too have reached the point of not wanting this person in my life. If I were not getting good monetary support every month (which my lawyer is concerned a filing might affect), I would definitely be filing.

The first step in any of this is figuring out what you want. Sounds like you are beginning that process.

I hope that the path becomes more clear for you as you move forward.

[Lana_71]

Hello own
Yes the path is looking more clearer and I agree with you maybe I did have those insecurities of not worth of whole person.
Looking at things in a more pragmatic way now here are some of my thoughts.
- I don’t think he is one of those mlcers who one day will wake up because I know how stubborn he is. I never saw him apologizing to som one in good days hence I don’t see it ever happening. It is much easier for him to walk away even if he knows he is to blame. He is that type coward.
-even if ever this happened he will still be broke and broken . Need couple of years to stand up on his legs.
- I already stood for the marriage 4 years I think it is enough. No going back anymore
- it is easier now to move on rather than rebuild anything now from my side.. with all the disappointments I lost all respect I have for him.
- what if he is not finished can’t do this again
- he has no money . Not being materialistic but what’s good he is adding to us.
- I got used to now living with my mom and things are great she is great help to me and my kids and we fill up her life. Can’t ask for a better situation .

So here it goes once the exams done in my I will talk to kids then file and most probably will be done in 3 months.