Tread -- in your very first post you wrote that your W started an affair with her sister's cousin. Do you mean her half-sister's cousin? And so the man and your W are not biologically related, are they?
AS/Gordie -- there are reasons why WW/MLC's do what they do. They are hard, if not impossible know, at times but things happened in their lives to bring them there. They might be acting irrationally but something brought them to this point in their lives.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Apparently I am a MNG based in the fact that I am willing to put my W ahead of my own needs. Found $100 bill a few months back. My first thought was what can W and I do with this money. It never occurred to me for a second to spend all that money on myself. That is the type of thing that makes me a MNG.
I do not see how this makes you a MNG. I feel that the fact that you think of what wife and you do with the money is not putting your W's needs before yours. I feel disturbed when you even think its sacrifice that you spend it together with wife. There is no sacrifice there because you are enjoying it too. I think the problem comes when you consider normal things as favours to wife when in actual fact these are normal things. As a married couple it is normal to do things together and put the needs of your other before yours. Generally speaking this is a concept not understaood by majority of H and it frustrates the wife.
Originally Posted By: Tread
My moral compass is about taking care of others needs first and foremost. I need to seriously readjust my morals a bit to focus more on myself ahead of others.
I think that you need to sit and look at your character flows and try to read more on this subject. I feel that there is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself. I feel that sometimes we tend to paint ourselves positively too much. Looking at what your partner complained about as your flaws , what friends and family say will give us a more accurate picture of what we do. That way you get a more objective look at what you do right and what you need to work on.
M 11 Dated for 4 years before then Me 35 H 39 D 10 BD Feb 2016 A 2015 Dec I was never in a R with the OM. Had a one night stand & I stopped contact immediately I confessed the A to H and we went for MC
You are correct. W and SIL have different fathers, but we're raised together. No relation biologically, but the man is married with children. SIL was actually just finally getting to know her side of the family. And W decided to be selfish on the family cruise.
I have been working on those flaws. But from what I read in the MNG book, it seems as if I need to start addressing the issues of focusing more on my own needs. And stop worrying about my W. Seems to be what everyone is telling me here. Which is classic MNG.
What 25 and Lovely P wrote you is something you really need to focus on.
Thinking of others is not a MNG trait. it's a kind human being trait. If I found $100 I'd take my friends or daughter out to dinner and buy my daughter something special.
I baked an apple pie the other night. Apple pie is my ex's favorite. I brought him and OWW a piece at my D's football game. It was not at the detriment of myself, it was attached to no expectations, it was just a kind gesture.
Yes, MNG says you should focus on yourself more. Not to stop nice kind behaviors. It's when we do things for others and it is to the detriment of ourselves. Doing nice things for others shouldn't hurt us. It's when we attach expectations to them that they do. or when we neglect our own to fill another's.
When we say don't worry about your W, we mean you worry too much about what she does and why she does it. That has nothing to do with MNG.
Like LovelyP said, it you shouldn't find kind acts which are normal as a sacrifice.
You use others to guide your actions too much. If you didn't use others, I would hope your intentions and actions would still be kind acts. because that's what you want to do. Not because they make you some sort of martyr. They shouldn't feel like a sacrifice.
Apparently I am a MNG based in the fact that I am willing to put my W ahead of my own needs.
I assume when you are calling yourself a MNG you are doing it in the context of the book NMMNG? If so then I'm wondering if you've read it, or understood what you read. Because the premise of the book is that NG's are NOT nice. They do NOT put others' needs before their own. They only pretend to put others' needs before their own to get what THEY want, and they do it in the sneakiest, most passive/aggressive ways possible.
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Found $100 bill a few months back. My first thought was what can W and I do with this money. It never occurred to me for a second to spend all that money on myself. That is the type of thing that makes me a MNG.
You are most definitely not understanding NGS. NGS would be "woah, 100 bucks, I'll tell W I'm going to take her out to dinner and then she'll HAVE to give me the sex I haven't had in weeks." Then when you don't get the sex you expect after the dinner, you mope around all evening and every time she asks what's wrong you say "nothing". Later she is putting dishes away and you yell at her for making too much noise, but you're really yelling at her because you are mad you didn't get sex. THAT is NGS. There's nothing good or nice about it, other than the fake "hey I'm just a nice guy!" facade.
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I have questioned my moral compass quite a bit in recent months. And after reading the MNG book, I feel that it might be time to step away from my moral compass a bit.
If you have NGS then your moral compass is all screwed up and needs to be reevaluated as part of the reform process.
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My moral compass is about taking care of others needs first and foremost.
Is it? Or is it to take care of others' needs because you want something? Are your motivations selfish or selfless? I'm not asking you to answer, just to dig deep and work through that. I did, and discovered some nasty truths about myself (that book was a real eye-opener). I'm mostly reformed from NGS but it's still a work in progress.
I don't fit every example in the book. But I did find myself falling into the example of not asking for what I really want. I don't things for my W with expectations. But lately I have found myself bitter that my W is probably spreading her legs for men who haven't done 5 percent of what I have. I did those things with no expectations. But now I am wondering if I was a damn fool for doing so. W left this MR, because apparently I wasn't doing enough. But yet lays up with men who won't even give her a lift home. So yes I do feel foolish and used.
Which is why my W still called me a few weeks ago asking for a ride. And I came to the rescue with no expectations. Which folks on this forum told me that I shouldn't have done that for her. This whole experience is making me want to go to a version of myself that would have been moved on from this nonsense. My W probably would have been returned to that version of me, because that person simply didn't give a damn.
At the moment, I just need to reevaluate a lot of things with myself. And most important what I will no longer entertain. Also it occurs to me that we're plab B if the WS returns. They typically have their revelations when things go to hell for them. They come back apologizing, but that is only due to their plans falling apart. If I am confused about this please let me know.
But I did find myself falling into the example of not asking for what I really want.
Yeah that's definitely a big part of NGS. In my new R I've turned that around and it's amazing how when you ask for what you want, you mostly GET what you want
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But lately I have found myself bitter that my W is probably spreading her legs for men who haven't done 5 percent of what I have. I did those things with no expectations. But now I am wondering if I was a damn fool for doing so.
Why? How is that a reflection on you? That's a reflection on who SHE is, not you. Who is the fool in that scenario? Seems pretty obvious.
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Which is why my W still called me a few weeks ago asking for a ride. And I came to the rescue with no expectations. Which folks on this forum told me that I shouldn't have done that for her.
But did you really have no expectations? That's the key. If you can do that for her and not care if she thanks you, or drive's to someone's house to sleep with them, or whatever, THEN it's OK to do that. But if you do it and then later say "I was a damn fool" well then THAT indicates that you had some kind of expectation. I used to volunteer for Hearts and Hammers. Some of the younger people would complain about how the homeowners never helped or even thanked anyone. I would tell them that they need to reevaluate why they were doing volunteer work, because if you're doing it for praise or rewards of some kind then you'll be disappointed every time. You have to do it BECAUSE IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO. Nothing more, nothing less. That is personal integrity, when you can do something for someone and walk away feeling good about yourself no matter what they said or did in response, even if it was nothing.
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They come back apologizing, but that is only due to their plans falling apart. If I am confused about this please let me know.
That does happen sometimes, and usually when it does then the recon is a false one and doesn't last long. But sometimes the LBS walks away and the WAS realizes what they lost and comes back remorseful and truly repentant. Those are the recons that stand the best chance of lasting.
Tread, you are understandably VERY UPSET about the choices your W has made. It seems you're running on anger right now (I TOTALLY know how that feels).
But I feel like you want to even the score. You may regret that down the road. It's almost like you're asking for permission: "Hey, can I be totally immoral now, since W did?"
No one can tell you what to do here. You know what's right, and you know what you want. Be honest with yourself, act with integrity, and be authentic.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Never had an expectation for helping her out. But afterwards folks were looking at me like I was crazy for doing so. Asking me why didn't whoever she is laid up with picking her up. Started feelig pretty dam foolish after that. Like I am good enough to use even though she goes around claiming that I do nothing for her. Nobody likes the feeling of jumping through hoops whem the next man sits back and doesn't lift a finger. Why would she expect more from the guys she uses for sex, if I do all the serious stuff.
All I am saying is that I need to put a stop to that. Why would she return to the MR if things are this good for her? She actually needs to lose the benefots of being with me. And see what dealing with these other guys is truly like.
