What you are writing sounds exhausting. To have to be constantly on (Like we are at work) And perfect. At all times. When the kids are small, when we are sleep deprived, when we are exhausted. Chances are, our spouses were not perfect either. But we did not do things to betray or end or put at risk our families safety and security.
What makes marriage so much more difficult and perhaps sacred from other relationships like those in work and school is that marriage is supposed to be unconditional (with exception to betrayal and addiction) People, couples do lash out, and dress poorly, and smell bad and get sick and sad and nag. Its what we do because we are human. Our spouses might not like it, but they are just as imperfect and we dealt with them. Now this is not an excuse to not put effort into your relationship. But there should also be a grace period granted by our spouses. I notice a lot of the waywards on this board left after young kids, sickness, death.
Juju, I could not have said this any better.
I recently posted an update to my sitch - no sooner had I put this up did I get really, REALLY sick with a horrible respiratory infection. My W was stellar at first, getting my meds for me, taking care of me while I laid in bed. I mean, not only could I not breathe, I couldn't move. I felt paralyzed, super depressed, nothing was cheering me up. Within a few days, I could feel my W losing her patience with me, wanting me to go to the gym when clearly I was not in any condition. Trust me - I'm my own worst critic and I feel absolutely dreadful when I can't help around the house. But after a while, I began to feel like I was a burden to her. Like, at first it was great coming to my rescue, but now that I'm down for a few days longer, I'm noticing her staying on her phone longer, not asking me how I am....
I thought - maybe I'm being a pain in the butt. I point blank asked her, in my sorry state, if there was anything I was doing wrong, did I have unreasonable expectations? No, she said, everything was fine, and why was I so worried about things? I didn't want to tell her that when she distanced from me before, it was when she was in her affair with OM.
So I wrote it off as me being sick and probably over-sensitive. Within a week, I slowly recovered BUT she started getting sick. She waited until she could barely move when she finally went to the doctor, who diagnosed her the same infection as me, but worse because she waited longer. The beginnings of pneumonia. I went right into caregiver mode and put aside my job, my duties around the house, and waited on her hand and foot.
I felt like I was stepping up to the plate (something I would've done for ANYONE in my family) - as time went on, she was being sarcastic and constantly on my case about mundane things. I validated to the point where I put my own personal feelings aside. I was being berated and belittled at every turn while she was in bed. Not one time did I receive a simple "thank you" for getting her medication, waiting on her - if anything, I got constant selfish comments about herself. Good example is our daughter had a birthday. We were supposed to take her to dinner with her friends. I asked my W, "our daughter still wants to go out with her friends (she's an older teenager), what would you want? Should I cancel it and wait until you feel better? My wife pulled the "woe-is-me" and kept saying, "oh, you just go, don't worry about me".
Then it came to Xmas shopping. I told my W that I would rather wait until she got better so we could go together. I thought I was saying the right thing, then she asked to shop online instead. I had absolutely NO problem with that. She asked which credit card to use. I told her use her Amazon card. She then said, "I thought you closed it?" I replied, its yours, I can't close one of your credit cards. She got quiet then said (like I was some kind of child, too) I. Didn't. Ask. You. THAT. I. asked. if. you. CLOSED. it. down. like. we. agreed. Yes, she emphasized every word.
I'm exhausted, still drained from battling my own illness, and I feel like I've done nothing wrong. I expending so much energy on making her the top priority and all I'm getting is crapped on. This point blank reminds me of when she was in her affair land 2 years ago, when she found so many things wrong with me that she justified her affair.
And she's on her damn phone constantly. I'd like to think she's not hiding anything from me. At least I don't think so but I'm not as naive this time around.
If she is, I'm done.
Me: 52 Her: 48 2D 26 & 16 M: 25 years (together 30) EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016 Admitted SOME physical but no IC. We know that's a lie. Status - tryin to R
This point blank reminds me of when she was in her affair land 2 years ago, when she found so many things wrong with me that she justified her affair.
And she's on her damn phone constantly. I'd like to think she's not hiding anything from me. At least I don't think so but I'm not as naive this time around.
If she is, I'm done.
when you were sick, you asked her if you had done anything wrong... can you ask her again now that she is sick? i would... i would want to know why anybody is treating me the way your wife is treating you... don't let her treat you that way for any reason other than you killed her puppy...
Hey guys, I am listening and taking it all in. I have placed clear boundaries and will not tolerate any disrespectful or sarcastic comments from WH. He knows I filled my tank with his past bullsh*t and it's full, no more allowed. He has been attentive and helping with the kids, household shores, asking after me and overall making changes. We still disagree but now we do it differently. We talk about what we desire and how we feel when the other feels differently and decide what we're going to do about it. Do we still get irritable with each other? Heck yeah! But we no longer use each other as a sewage to dump our emotional waste on either.
I still get triggered about his past behavior but then I work on being PRESENT in the now. I need to focus on what he's doing now because if I start to ruminate then it brings me pain and anger. And what do I do with that? It just hurts me and retards our process of healing. It will never, ever be just. He will never, ever be able to "make up" for his past treatment. But he can be a better husband and father now and I can be a better mother and wife.
I have let go of the outcome and know that if WH ever cheats again I can hold my head up high and walk away. I have exhausted every.single.option. I feel more happiness than sadness, more peace than conflict, but it is a slow and painful growth for me. So many times I temped to return to my old behaviors, critical, sarcastic, rigid. But not only was I not happy in that state, my children and H were also being dragged along. I don't walk on eggshells but I do check myself when it comes to initial reaction.
Someone here has a tag line that says something like, "Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% how you react to it." That really struck a chord in me and I have tried to let it resonate. Anger may drive someone to accomplish a short term goal but it can quickly burn a person out in the long run. Initially the only emotion I could cope with was anger but it really came down to running away from my pain. I brought this up with my DBing coach a long time ago, he said that anger was not an authentic emotion, that it usually covered pain or guilt or shame. In my case it was definitely pain.
Today WH and I had lunch together. He was kind of quiet and withdrawn. I reflected his silence but in more of a calm, contemplative way. I used to feel pressure to fill up the silence so I am not perceived as boring or "less than" the OW. Now I know if he has something he wants to share with me he will share it in his own time. I also don't need to know All The Thoughts like I used to. There is a serious lack of sex but I am not sure I am ready yet. WH is making no moves and I am not sure how intimacy would be perceived by him. This is an area I find myself unsure of for the first time ever. Advice? I want that intimacy back but don't know how to broach this topic without making clinical and awkward.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
DD6 will be turning 7 this week and I've already done some online shopping to get her requested gifts. I plan on having some cupcakes delivered to DD school for her birthday and I am sure she will be stoked. She is such an easy child, I swear she was born smiling. She is exceptionally close to WH and resembles him the most out of the three children. She is extremely empathetic and gentle, I am blessed to be her mom.
I have surgery scheduled on Monday (complications from the STD I contracted from WH after his affair.)I am nervous but remain fairly stoic around everyone. This has triggered me pretty hard and I have regressed a bit back to mind movies and replaying the awfulness of the behavior of WH when he was in his affair. However I have not used WH as my spew container like I did in the past. Instead when WH looks devastated and says he's sorry over and over again I just tell him to make prayer that this will be quick and safe and that we never have to go through this again.
I've done something a bit different than before. Before when I underwent surgeries/procedures I wanted WH there to provide support and comfort. But he has shown to be kind of...awful about giving me what I need. Usually he becomes irritable and even nasty. It's not just me but also when the kids have had to undergo medical procedures (DD had adenoid removed at age 4 and he was a dragon) So I've asked my cousin to take me and WH will be allowed to pick me up afterward. While this isn't perfect I think it will give me the feeling of safety I need.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
I've followed your story all the way through. You are one of the bravest and most resilient woman I've seen on here. Thank you for writing about your experiences. It helps to read about a woman whose H didn't or couldn't express remorse but turned it around through their own understanding of their situation and H. You seem to have grasped what makes your H tick. How to bring out his best even when you were feeling totally betrayed. I thought I had learnt this, but no, I have a lot more introspection left to do.
You seem to have come to a moment of understanding about your situation and life. I thought I had but now I see I've more journey to travel physically and emotionally.
Good luck with your surgery, I wish you the very best care and attention.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
Thank you Caz. The reality of the situation is I expect that WH will learn remorse over time. He already has to face the severe consequences of what his betrayal has done to my body and mind. He knows I am not the same person I was before his affair. I am less and I am more, if that makes sense. The more I 180 the more he is left to face the fact that I didn't make him step out of the marriage, I am and have always been willing to change. He never gave me a chance to prove this before he rewrote our marital history and betrayed in the worst possible way.
If I unleash my rage and allow my reactivity to control my behavior then it will only last me a short time and then I am left with the ashes of my own destruction. If WH had come to me and told me how unhappy he was in our marriage (basically he just said not enough sex) and that he needed a change then I would have done whatever necessary. If he recommended marriage counseling, speaking with an elder, marriage retreat...whatever, I would have done it. He still leans on how I was "different" before his affair. But the more I show him my best qualities the more he realizes I was capable all along. He was the one that blew up our marriage and he will have to face who he is. I no longer let him see my reactive side as he uses it as justification.
I still struggle sometimes with ruminating thoughts and find myself sliding back into my rage. But then I do thought stopping and three things, something I see, something I feel, something I smell. Mindfulness is helping. I still have a long way to go.
DD passed her Islamic test after a semester of Sunday school, I was so proud of her. WH bought her an expensive gift she has been looking at for some time. She is ecstatic and playing with it now. DS5 also has been studying (too young to be tested) so WH got him a surprise as well. The kids are all bathed, in their pjs and watching a youtube video right now. I'll be tucking them in soon and then I have to shower and use a special medicine to sanitize my body for the surgery tomorrow, WH has to help as the entire body surface has to be wiped down. I'll be taking a few days off from work but can't stay out too long as my patient list will fall apart.
Say a prayer for me friends, I am kinda terrified.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
'I am less and I am more' makes perfect sense and it resonates with me.
Also I am the same as you, if my H had asked for changes I would have been willing to make those changes...my H isn't one to be introspective, ask for repairs to fix our broken marriage. He wanted what he wanted...wanted me to be happy, but happy with what we had and how we lived (which centred around his needs) and then coming back at weekends to have sex, spend lightening speed time with us and rush off again...all in the guise of 'I'm doing this for us'
I also try not to show my reactive side any longer...although I don't get much chance as we very rarely text and I haven't seen him for 6 weeks. My reactive side reared its head in texts and I no longer (or try my hardest) to not send any, other than money and children issues.
You talk about ruminating thoughts...this is me but I'm working on this too with a technique my IC taught me.
Well done DD on passing her test, you deserve huge credit for seeing her through that, so well done you too!
Please don't be terrified...you've been through the toughest times ever...this is a hurdle and you'll sail over it, recuperate and conquer that patient list. Be super kind to yourself, and allow your body and mind to heal. You're no good to your patients if you are not at your best. Give yourself time.
Thinking of you.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
Sara, you are in my duas for a safe surgery and speedy recovery. As caz says, rest and get yourself fully better first or you’ll only set yourself back. Masha Allah, your daughter has done amazing. What a credit to you these children are. They are thriving and achieving due to your strength and your ability to protect and constantly put them first. You are an inspiration to many with how you’ve approached this entire situation and put the time, and perseverance in to look inside and be the best you, and it pays off. You ARE the woman he would be a FOOL to leave, and i honestly pray that he sees this.
Sending lots of love across the shores. In sha Allah all will go well, have faith.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Sara, that is so great about your daughter. You must be proud! Currently I take my daughter to a church but may switch to a mosque when we move so I hope my daughter can follow your daughter's footsteps.
That's really unfair you need to have surgery as a result of your husband's actions. I hope it's a minor procedure and you're already recovering and feeling much better by the time you read this. With medical procedures it's better to get them over with ASAP. I can relate to how your husband deals with your need of comfort after a procedure. My husband in the past few years is annoyed and angry when anything is wrong with me. I was so scared to get an endoscopy in October because I had to go under anesthesia and my husband refused to even take off work that morning and I had no one available to come with me. I drove there alone and had to wait there until my husband had 20 minutes to leave work, pick me up, and drop me off at home. There was no kindness, no sympathy. Even with the diagnosis I received he had no reaction whatsoever. I hope though in your case your husband is better than that and you can accept his limitations without letting them get in the way of other progress.
I hope everything is going better than expected. It's so hard to be a mom and need any kind of medical treatment but if you're a physician at least hopefully you're treated extra well by the physician who's doing the procedure. I hope you'll post how it went when you're back online!
