Moving Forward - Continued

[Davide]

Benito,

Your words always seem to strike the right note for me. I agree 100% with what you are saying. The changes that I am making to my life are for me. I was always a negative person, mainly to myself, lots of harmful self-talk, self-deprecating humor. I let my inner critic take over my life. Later, I made taking care of my depressed wife the focus of my life to fill the hole that I had never addressed. You are right that I lost myself in that and my W even told me that I wasnt the same person she married. I couldnt accept that then, but I realize how true it was now.

That part of my life is over, regardless of the R. I have no desire to ever go back to being that person. Right now I believe that I have worth as a person, hopefully soon, like Maika said, I will simply trust that I am worthy. I am building to that. I like the new me so much more.

That said, I do still struggle to detach fully. I struggle not to care whether or not W sees the changes. I know that I dont need her to live anymore (unhealthy attachment) but I do still love her, and know that I would enjoy sharing my new life with her. I have flashbacks of beautiful moments in the relationship - because for the most part it was good and beautiful. Right now I am learning to accept those thoughts and then let them go. They will always be a part of me.

I truly appreciate your words and attention Benito. I wish you the best of luck in your relationship and hopefully you can keep inspiring me and others on our journey.

[Maika]

Good to see you pop by Benni! As always, love your updates and you sharing nuggets of insights with everyone. I am doing good - the MR situation hasn't changed, but I am hella better. Got some new ink finally done and improving my health every day. Kids are doing great and we tight as ever. So, lots of wins in my corner.

[Benito]

Davide

Your comment

I know that I would enjoy sharing my new life with her. I have flashbacks of beautiful moments in the relationship because for the most part it was good and beautiful.

Its easy sometimes to think that our eyes (the way we view the world) Is shared by other people as well. You obviously look back fondly at beautiful moments etc.. In the relationship I would wager a bet that your wife would have a slightly different view on those situations that yourself.

I dont mean that to sound negative in any way (I dont write this to upset anybody) but I know for a fact that a number of WAS have been planning their escape or way out for years. So times that you are day dreaming about are more than likely not to have been the same experience for your wife.

Its also a trap sometimes to daydream about how great it all was while conveniently forgetting the times that were less favourable. You will do this naturally as you are a little low and your familiarity (routine) has been broken. So its easy to day dream when your heart and future have been squashed.

You say that you would enjoy sharing your new life with her. My point of view (looking at the dates on your sig) would suggest that your still in that stage that feels like your falling off a cliff, scratching to grab onto any (branch) idea of positivity of recon to lighten the dark you find yourself in. No matter what any of us say, there will be a part of you that takes some advise, but you may think that you know something better, because in reality we are just a bunch of strangers on the internet, who you have never met you or your wife so what do we know? But in reality at the moment your wife wants space and time away from you. You are not a positive influence in her life and she obviously sees being without you a more positive step than being with you. Its coming to terms with that and feeling and working through that crippling low that will allow you to hit rock bottom and be able to build again.

If your wife came back today, even with what you know today it would potentially end up in the same situation.

You need to reset who you are. What your beliefs are. What you like, what you dont like, and really commit to carrying out a full and thorough investigation into you - Not just the story you have told yourself from being a child that you have bought into and then strengthened through your negative actions and behaviour.

Your Wife will not believe a word you are saying because she has witnessed you for 8 years act a certain way.

No amount of talk or promises will help at this point so being concerned whether she sees these changes or not at this stage is irrelevant as she simply wont believe you.

Im just trying to make you understand that this is ground work time. Youre an apprentice at the moment and like most apprentices you will work hard but with little reward... but over time your changes will be noticed.

Mine moved out, I probably saw her for 1 hour a week maximum.

There were months where not much more than a few words where spoken. And every time I would think - I should have said this, or.. If only I did this, or I would stress about how would she see my changes if she didnt see me.

But your W is not stupid and even reading your body language in the 30 mins you meet up to discuss selling the house etc.. Will be being watched and noted on. Do not underestimate how your behaviour in the small moments will affect what happens moving forward. If you are strong and genuine she will be intrigued.. If you are nice and courteous and just acting different, she will see right through it, and it will confirm to her that you are just changing to get her back and she wont buy it.

Maika .. I would expect anything else from you pal. Your
Definitely one of the good eggs on here so keep going my friend.

[Davide]

Benito,

Thanks again. You are correct that I am just a beginner in this. That is why I turn to the sage advice of you and Maika, and V, and everyone else who has put in the time and effort and can tell me how much more patience and discipline and focus on myself that I need.

I dont think that I am kicking and scratching to hold on at this point. I certainly havent reached the level of detachment that you guys have. I am working on it. My trip should help. My future isn't squashed - it is more wide open and optimistic than it has been in years. I am sad and lonely but I also feel unshackled from the chains of depression and low self-esteem, and I see a path forward that I havent seen in many years.

I disagree about the memories. My wife has been consistent before and after BD - our love was real, she really loved me, and she loved the beautiful moments we shared together. You are right that a certain point the relationship curdled under the weight of depression and codependency and a disconnect happened. If I look back and try to be fair about it I would say that the first 5 years the R was working well, that it was just in the last 3 that the wheels started grinding.

I don't think that matters in terms of what I do now though. Everything you said is spot on. I am working on myself, focusing on being the best man I can be, first and foremost for myself and secondarily so that I can be ready for a healthy relationship with her or anyone else. It is real. It is not a show for her, or a stratagem.

Thanks again!

[Benito]

Of course.

Every situation is different so not all advise is a one size fits all by any means.

Just know that your not alone, your not the first, you certainly will not be the last, your situation isn't unique and all of us here will try to provide whatever support we can for you pal.

[SJW]

Hi Benni, SJ's back and not good. I wish I had never come off the board and I was warned not to, my bad! Not started a thread yet but was looking for old friends first and the whole layout has changed. Tried to PM but can't?

[Benito]

Hi Benni, SJ's back and not good. I wish I had never come off the board and I was warned not to, my bad! Not started a thread yet but was looking for old friends first and the whole layout has changed. Tried to PM but can't?

Do you know what the wierd thing is..

Yesterday morning when i was replying to somwone else.i nearly referenced you and then thought i wonder what she is up to? Then this... hand on heart 100% genuine. Spooky.

Whats the problem pal?

[SJW]

Hey Benni, Hope you're well. I have been referred to as a witch on more than one occasion, lol, spooky things always happen around me.

I need to read all my previous posts and I've also started a diary of the past year to try and gain some clarity. On the plus side I start my new job on the 30th and am sooooo excited after a year out being a full time Mum I cannot wait! Hope you're well. Be in touch soon.

SJ x